Month: October 2024

Parenting your child as they hit their teen years can feel like riding a roller coaster. While wearing a blindfold. You’re never quite sure when you’re going to be faced with arguments, slammed doors and shouting over what feels like the slightest interaction. You may look back just a couple of years ago and remember the easygoing, kind kid and then wonder if you’ll ever be able to salvage your relationship. There’s no doubt that this can be a challenging phase, and you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, in spite of walking on eggshells and having no idea how to respond.

It is possible to rebuild your connection and establish a more calm and peaceful environment. Here are some practical strategies to help you navigate this rocky chapter with your teen.

Why Teenagers Become Aggressive and Rude

First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster of parenting a teen because adolescence is a turbulent time – for you and your teenager. It is perfectly normal for you to feel frustrated, hurt and confused by difficult teen behaviour.

I realise this can feel like an impossible dream when your kid is yelling in your face, but if you can keep your composure when things get heated, they are much less likely to escalate. This is challenging, and it’s tempting to match their energy, but there are ways you can keep your cool.

I always say that it’s the small steps you take regularly as part of your routine that help you remain calm (or calm enough) when things start to rev up. Also, you can take steps to prepare yourself for those situations you can forecast happening. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say – you know your child better than most and most likely know the situations likely to rile both of you.

Tips for Managing Aggressive Teen Behaviour

Focus on their behaviour rather than their personality: Try not to label your child as bad or difficult, but remember that it’s their behaviour that needs addressing, not them as an individual. It’s easier to diffuse tension and keep resentment in check when you keep this separation clear.

Setting Boundaries: Young people need firm and consistent boundaries that give them room to flex their independence. Overbearing and overcontrolling rules are more likely to lead to pushback. Too much leniency is similarly not helpful – teens need clear boundaries that they can push back on but that are clear.

Don’t take it personally: I realise this one can be difficult when it can feel very personal. Remember that your teen is working through a complex emotional roller coaster as they navigate identity, peer pressure and becoming more independent. Recognise that this inner struggle can manifest as rude or even aggressive behaviour. That’s not to say that you excuse it or ignore it, but understanding where it comes from puts you in a better place to respond accordingly rather than reacting.

Don’t lecture: it just doesn’t work and leaves them and you frustrated. Think about going into a conversation with curiosity and wanting to find out their perspective. They are much more likely to open up when they feel part of a dialogue than if they’re just being lectured or told off. If you can present the issue as something for you to work on and resolve together—’What do you think?’—you’re more likely to gain their cooperation and input.

Pick your battles: If you constantly nag about every little thing, it becomes harder for them to distinguish between big problems that need addressing and smaller ones that can be let go of. It doesn’t mean you can never mention leaving mugs in their bedroom again, but think to yourself, ‘Is this really where I want to be putting my energy, or can I let go of it, just for now?’ When the environment is more peaceful, there is less room for power struggles.

Connection, Connection, Connection: Maintaining a strong emotional bond is what makes all the difference. Find the small ways you can connect with your child, such as a comedy or series you enjoy watching together or those small in-jokes you have.

When to Seek Help for Teen Behavior Issues

If you feel that your relationship with your teen is negative and unmanageable, counselling can help. You are not the only parent or carer experiencing this. Your teen might find therapy helpful; they might not want it just now, but counselling for yourself can be a practical and supportive step you can take to address these issues.

It’s an old trope, but the one of the teenager staying up all hours and being nearly impossible to wake up is not far from the reality for many parents. It can be frustrating when you’re constantly battling your teen to get them up and out the door at a reasonable time. It’s also true that this isn’t about them being lazy; your tween or nearly teenage child needs their sleep more than ever due to the physical, psychological, and emotional demands of adolescence. 

So, how can you balance your teen’s sleep needs with their need to be up and out the door at a specific time so they’re not late for school? Let’s examine teenagers’ sleep cycles and how you can create a morning routine that works without setting off fireworks and gets them up and ready for the day.

Why teens need more sleep

Your child’s circadian rhythms (the 24-hour cycles of our body’s internal clock) change during puberty. This change means they become more like night owls, falling asleep and waking up later. They also need more sleep at this stage – 8-10 hours. These factors together make achieving the early start time schools expect harder. 

Also, if your child is in secondary school now, the lockdowns of the pandemic interrupted their primary school years. Remember to consider the impact these teen sleep problems and disruption will have on establishing a routine. 

The benefit of a morning routine for teens

A schedule around sleep, keeping broadly the same time to get up and the same time going to bed at night, and a routine around bedtime and morning are helpful for all of us –particularly young people. It’s tempting to have an extended sleep in over the weekend or holidays, but maintaining a consistent sleep schedule even during these times helps prevent ‘social jet lag’; when the natural sleep rhythms don’t match with the social demands of life, school or work, leading to irregular sleep patterns. 

Tip: If a regular sleep schedule for your tween or teen feels like a distant dream, try encouraging them to gradually adjust their bedtime by 15-30 minutes each night. 

Teen sleep solutions

Teens and school mornings are often a struggle and it’s important to remember that the way the morning goes depends on how the evening before went. You can reduce the potential for upset and overwhelm in the morning by taking a few steps in the evening:

• Encourage them to get their school uniform ready for the morning the night before. This reduces options and decision-making over what to wear or searching for a clean pair of socks in the morning.
• Suggest techniques to help them wind down, such as reading (a book!), taking a shower, or listening to a relaxing playlist they’ve downloaded.
• Avoid caffeine or large meals before bedtime, as these can disrupt sleep.
• Create a sleep-friendly environment – a quiet, dark, cool bedroom promotes better sleep.
• Limit screen time to at least an hour before bed. Screen time and teen sleep are linked. Do not use phones, televisions, or electronics in the bedroom! This goes for you, too – they are not conducive to a good night’s sleep.
• Set a positive example by demonstrating good sleep habits yourself. Teens often imitate their parents’ behaviours, and it’s much more challenging to have a meaningful conversation with your teenager when you’re in bed scrolling through social media.

How to help teens wake up

1. Involve your teen in creating a morning routine that includes their input and preferences. This is crucial. They are much more likely to stick with it if they have come up with the routine themselves. Tell them you’ve noticed the mornings can feel a little tense, and ask them what they think might help.
2. Get them an alarm clock that requires physical movement to turn off – have it on the other side of the room if necessary. This helps them take responsibility and ownership over waking up – you don’t need to be their alarm clock.
3. Let the natural noises and light of morning in your home into their room. Take them a cup of tea (an excellent start to anyone’s morning), and while you’re there, leave their door open and open the curtains. Exposure to natural light in the morning helps to reset their internal clock, making it easier for them to wake up.

Communication is key

It could be that anxiety, stress, or other issues are impacting their sleep. And remember to acknowledge their efforts and progress. Positive reinforcement is so much more effective than focusing solely on failures. 

When to Seek Professional Help for Sleep Problems

Change takes time, so be patient (with yourself and your child) and recognise the small wins. Some tactics will work better than others in your family, so it helps to keep your approach flexible. A good night’s sleep can make all the difference to your child, so if you’re noticing an ongoing issue with their sleep or you’re struggling, reach out for professional support. Counselling can be helpful for your teens, and counselling for parents can help you find strategies and the best ways to support them. 

Struggling with your teen’s sleep and morning routine? You don’t have to figure it out alone! Implementing these small changes can make a big difference, but support is available if you’re still facing challenges.

Book a counselling session today to get personalized strategies for managing your teen’s sleep issues and stress. Together, we can create a calmer, more peaceful home. Ready to take the first step?

Contact me HERE to learn more or schedule a session now!

As a parent or carer to a teen or nearly teenage child, you’re probably recognising just how quickly things can shift and change with them. You may have found that your relationship with them is also changing, and you’re wondering why you don’t feel as close as you once did. You’re not alone in feeling this! It’s a typical and to-be-expected part of life with an adolescent. It might not always feel like it, but it’s so important that your teenager feels connected with you during this time – they need to feel you present in their life. Being in the same room isn’t enough—you need a deeper connection to strengthen parent-teen relationships. But please don’t feel this is an impossible task; it’s about quality time with teens rather than quantity.

It can feel hard enough to remember what they’re doing and where they are, so how can you make the most of the time you spend together?

Why Quality Time is Important

• Quality time together helps strengthen the connections, empathy and trust between you and your child. It gives them (and you!) a strong foundation that makes all the difference during the ups and downs of the teen years.
• Teenagers often mirror their parents’ behaviours and values. Your teenager is watching and learning from you—more than you may realise. By keeping connected with them, you’re giving them a tangible, practical example of a positive and healthy relationship.
• A significant part of being a teen is experiencing emotions and stress – more intensely than adults do. When you proactively connect and engage with your child, you’re letting them know you have their back, meaning they feel more supported and less isolated.

Tips for Spending Quality Time

• Think about regular activities you can enjoy doing together. Again, small things can make all the difference here — you might take the dog for a walk in the evening or watch an episode of a light comedy you both enjoy. This is time together without intensity or anything too heavy and is a relatively quick win for connecting.
• Involving your teen in your interests, whether it’s working on a car, baking or break dancing. Let them see you paying attention to what you enjoy rather than keeping the focus on them.
• Show a genuine interest in the activities they enjoy. This might be sport, dance, or gaming. If you struggle to show an interest in watching someone on YouTube playing Roblox, remember why you’re doing this – to show them that their world matters to you.
• Ask about their day at school, feelings about a recent event, or thoughts on a current issue—anything to open a conversation with them.

Tip: Some/most kids don’t open up easily when asked about their day at school. Think about your timing for this – it’s not unusual for teens to be tired at the end of the school day, so give them time to decompress. Try asking them how their friends are finding school. This can make it easier for them to engage in a conversation. When they are speaking, let them lead the discussion and listen without judgment. There’s no need to jump in with a potential solution or your opinion; the idea here is to help build trust and open up communication.

Benefits of Quality Time

When you connect with your teen, they feel supported, which makes all the difference to their well-being and mental health.

Challenges to Being Present

Balancing work responsibilities with family life can be challenging, but prioritising quality time to engage with your teen will be worth it. Make the most of your time with them by minimising distractions like smartphones and social media. This goes for you as much as them! Put your devices down and focus on being present with them – a few minutes of being present with teenagers can honestly make all the difference.

Your teen will definitely notice and appreciate your efforts to connect, even though it may not look like it from the outside! I have been working with young people for a long time, and I can assure you that they do notice and they love it. Also, don’t underestimate the positive impact this will have on your well-being. When supporting teenage mental health, you also support your well-being. It really is a win-win situation. Remember that the effort you put into the relationship now will pay off in the long run, with a strong bond lasting well beyond their teen years.

Give some thought to how you can connect with your tween or teenage child. Remember, it’s about quality time, not just quantity. How often are you truly engaged and present with your child? Reflecting on this and taking proactive steps can make all the difference to your relationship.

As an added bonus, these tips for parents of teens about building connections also work in other relationships with people you care about. Give it a try and see the difference!

Are you struggling to find ways to connect with your teenage child? Are you worried about your relationship with them? Being a parent or carer when your child hits puberty can be hard! It’s okay to reach out for additional support to help you be the best possible resource for your child. Work with me to help you rediscover your emotional connection with your teens. You and your child will find ways to reconnect, build stronger bonds, and generally feel more positive about your relationship. Let’s talk.