Recognise your attachment style (the emotional bond we have with another person) and see the impact this has on your relationships.
Emotional bonds
When we talk about attachment in psychology or counselling, we're talking about the emotional bond we have with another person. Attachment can explain the way in which we get our needs met. Your attachment style in adulthood is directly related to the way your primary caregiver cared for you and also your experiences in adolescence and adulthood. It’s important to remember, though, that by being aware of these, we can change and develop – it’s not set in stone!
Babies and bonding
When we're born, we rely on our parents or caregivers to protect, care and look after our needs - emotional as well as physical. Babies bond with their caregivers when these needs are met and it is this ‘attachment’ that means children learn to regulate their emotions, to trust and love others, to become aware of the feelings of others and to develop healthy relationships in the future.
This notion of attachment was studied by British psychologist John Bowlby just after the Second World War by looking at the significance of the relationship babies have with their mother: why do they become emotionally attached and why do they become distressed when separated from them? Developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth then went on to look at three more areas: anxiety at being separated, anxiety around strangers and the way babies behaved when they were reunited with their primary caregiver. (I’d like to be able to say that no babies were harmed in this research but …poor babies)
A child may not form a secure attachment if they get no response or comfort when they cry, are hungry or need changing. This might be because their caregiver is being physically or emotionally unavailable, perhaps through illness or mental health issues. When this bond isn’t formed, children can go on to develop behavioural issues and as adults, they may experience difficulties in their social and intimate relationships as well as mental health issues.
What does this mean for us as adults?
So does our attachment history influence our attachment style towards romantic partners in adulthood? The patterns that are established in early childhood continue as a working model for our adult relationships, continuing to impact the way we relate to people - for example, the way we communicate and manage conflict. Often we will (unconsciously) look to recreate these familiar attachment patterns in relationships, confirming our model even though this may cause hurt and is not in our self-interest!
Which of the four are you?
Secure
Securely attached adults feel safe and connected with their partners. You go to them for comfort when they need it and you offer them comfort when they feel distressed or anxious. Their relationships are likely to be open and loving whilst allowing personal space.
Anxious-Preoccupied
Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment need to be with their partner all the time in order to feel close to them. You tend to be clingy and demanding, needing constant reassurance, which usually end up just pushing your partner away. You’re most likely to be drawn to someone who tends to isolate themselves and is hard to connect with.
Dismissive-Avoidant
The dismissive-avoidant adult is more emotionally distant. In order to get your needs met you act as if you have none and your defence mechanism is to shut down emotionally. You’re more likely to be drawn to someone who is demanding of your attention and is possessive.
Fearful-Avoidant
Those with a fearful-avoidant attachment find being too close AND too distant overwhelming. You have a fear of both abandonment and intimacy, so, while there’s a need to go to your significant other to get your needs met, there is a real fear that if you get too close you’ll get hurt. The best defence, therefore, is to try and avoid feelings and to keep them at bay.
Counselling and attachment
Counselling can help you to recognise your attachment style and to see the impact this is having on your intimate relationships. You can work towards changing your attachment style to help you move to secure attachments and to become close and emotionally connected to others. Having this knowledge can help you to be more aware of these patterns and can help gain clarity, which in turn will help you to develop and maintain healthy relationships with the people that are important to you.
If this has resonated with you and you'd like to find out more, get in touch here and see how I can help.