Author: jenny.warwick27@gmail.com

The pressure on teens to be ‘perfect’ is not new. They need to stand out, but not too much, to succeed in school, complete their homework, and participate in extracurricular activities, all while getting along with their peers, parents, and other adults around them. It also involves carrying a hidden weight that is hard for parents to spot. Whilst it’s not unusual for teens to want to excel academically, fit in with their peers, and feel good about how they present themselves, for some young people, the drive to succeed can easily tip into a more intense and unrelenting pressure to be perfect. 

Perfectionism in teens may manifest as a constant drive for better grades, maintaining an attractive and immaculate appearance on social media, or simply a desire to avoid disappointment. This kind of pressure is overwhelming, affecting everything from self-esteem to sleep, and, in some cases, can lead to anxiety or burnout.

What are some common signs that your teen might be struggling with perfectionism? Where is this pressure coming from, and – most importantly – what can you do to support them in finding balance, confidence, and being a bit kinder to themselves? 

Signs Your Teen Might Be Struggling with Perfectionism

• Fear of failure or intense reaction to even the smallest mistakes.
• Procrastination (how can I start when I know it’s not going to be perfect?).
• Spending excessive time and headspace on schoolwork or appearance.
• Constant self-criticism and low self-esteem.
• Mood swings, anxiety or issues with sleep.
• Constantly seeking reassurance and praise for every little thing.
• Withdrawing socially or from hobbies they once enjoyed.

Where the Pressure Comes From

• Many young people feel pressure from academic expectations, where failure is not an option and high grades must be achieved if they are to stand any chance of succeeding. Peer pressure involves another form of conformity, where individuals conform to fit in or to look or act in a certain way. This may sound familiar from your teenage experience, but it is now relentlessly amplified to the max by social media. Like it or not, your teenager is exposed to the constant comparison to curated lives and a culture of ‘likes’. 
• While you want only the best for your child, even unspoken parental expectations can feel heavy on young people. It’s worth considering the expectations you set for yourself as a parent. Your teen picks up on how you speak to yourself and respond to your own mistakes. The truth is no one is perfect, and, honestly, your kids don’t need you to be. They just need you to be present.

The Impact on Mental Health

There is a definite connection between perfectionism and mental health concerns, such as anxiety, depression and burnout. A constant feeling of never being good enough takes its toll, and for the developing brain, the impact of chronic stress is significant, let alone what it’s doing to your teen’s view of themselves. 

How Parents and Carers Can Help

Encourage open conversations about experiences and feelings so your teen feels comfortable sharing what’s happening in their life. When they express unhelpful thought patterns, such as berating themselves for receiving a ‘B’ on a test and calling themselves stupid, acknowledge their disappointment. Help them to recognise the effort they’ve put in and consider what they might do differently next time. Keep the focus on progress and effort rather than just the outcome to help them set realistic goals.

Final Thought

Perfectionism can quietly wear down teens, even when it stems from a genuine desire to excel. As a parent, your support, encouragement, and acceptance can make a huge difference.

If you’re worried your teen is under pressure or struggling to cope, you don’t have to work it out alone.

Get in touch to book an initial call session or find out how I can help.

Is One Session Enough? Here’s How to Decide

You don’t have to commit to multiple sessions from the start. Beginning with just one session to see how it feels is a great way to begin.

Many parents often wonder if they need one session or ongoing support. There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach – what works for you depends on your specific situation and goals.

This blog aims to help you determine the best option for you.

1. What Can a Single Session Help With?

A single session is ideal for addressing specific issues, such as a recent argument, a work-related concern, or seeking reassurance about a particular problem. It can help you gain clarity, feel validated, and build confidence in your next steps. This option is particularly beneficial for those who prefer short-term, solution-focused support.

2. When Ongoing Support Might Be More Helpful

• If the challenges you’re facing are recurring or long-standing rather than a one-off situation.
• When emotions (yours or those around you) feel overwhelming or hard to manage.
• If you’re stuck in unhelpful patterns, such as communication breakdowns or constant conflict.

Regular sessions allow space for reflection, trial and error, and gradual, long-lasting changes.

3. The Benefits of Ongoing Support for Parents

Parenting a tween or teen involves many ups and downs, and having a regular space to talk things through can make a significant difference. Many parents find that regular check-ins help build confidence over time rather than merely addressing one issue at a time. Many parents find that having these consistent conversations makes them feel calmer, more in control, and better prepared to support their children.

4. What If I’m Still Unsure How Many Sessions I Need?

You don’t have to commit to multiple sessions from the start. Beginning with just one session to see how it feels is a good approach. It’s perfectly fine to take it one session at a time and make decisions as you go along. The most important thing is to focus on what feels helpful and supportive for you.

Whether it’s one session or several, we’ll work together to find the pace and approach that best suits you.

Ready to get started?

Click HERE to book a short check-in call — a chance to ask questions and decide if this is the right fit for you.

We all know talking things through helps – it gives us space to process and reminds us that we’re not alone. But what happens when your teenager goes quiet? When you know they’re going through something, but getting more than two syllables feels like a win, how do you support them then?

When you see your child struggling, but they won’t or can’t let you know what is going on, how can you help? While this is not an uncommon experience for parents of teens and nearly teenagers (it’s not just you!), it is still a challenge. And how do you manage your own emotions around this? You can feel frustrated and hurt when your child seems to have gone inward and shut you out. 

Why Do Teens Go Quiet?

Whilst your child not opening up or speaking to you is upsetting for parents, it is not necessarily a sign that something has gone terribly wrong. It is part and parcel of the developmental changes of adolescence. 

• The search for independence starts early in the tween years (ages 9 to 12). It’s when you might first notice them pulling away or needing more privacy. It’s part of growing up, and it includes a need for privacy that can feel like a stark change from your happy-go-lucky primary-age kid who shared anything and everything with you. 
• Adolescents’ brains are changing, and their prefrontal cortex is developing (the part of our brains that deals with decision-making, thinking and planning). This means that emotions are often in the driver’s seat.
• Because your teenager’s brain is a work in progress, they are more prone to emotional overwhelm and less likely to have the language or confidence to express complex feelings.

What about your feelings?

How about my emotional overwhelm and complex feelings? I hear you ask.

It’s not personal (even if it feels that way)

Whilst it can feel very personal, it often isn’t. Your teen’s silence might leave you feeling rejected or shut out, but it doesn’t always mean they’re angry or don’t like you anymore. It doesn’t mean your relationship is over or that they’ll always feel this way.

Often, when your teenager goes quiet, they’re trying to make sense of what’s happening. That kind of inner work takes time and space.

I also often hear from the young people I work with that they don’t want to burden their parents. They sense the worry and want to protect you from it, so they keep quiet.

Common triggers for disconnection:

• Feeling judged or misunderstood.
• Repeating the same old arguments and high tension.
• Pressure to open up before they’re ready.

How to Encourage More Connection

• Let them know you’re available and there for them without pushing them to talk.
• Timing is everything! Pick a time when you can have a more casual conversation – in the car can work well for this, or during a walk. A direct ‘we need to talk‘ isn’t conducive to a chat.
• Listen more than you speak. Hold back, at least initially, on offering advice or solutions so there’s room for them to talk. 
• Use questions that open up the conversation. For example: ‘I’ve noticed you’ve been quiet – is everything OK?‘ Asking closed questions shuts things down: “Why are you always in a mood?”.
• Don’t underestimate the power of validating their feelings, even when you don’t fully understand them.

When to Worry (and What to Do)

Trust your instincts – they will tell you if a situation is ‘off‘ or of concern. Look out for changes or behaviours that go beyond the typical emotional wobbles associated with adolescence. For example, if you notice sudden changes in your child’s mood, withdrawal from friends or struggling to engage with school, don’t feel like you have to handle this alone; reach out for support from family, friends or your child’s school. Counselling can also be an excellent resource for parents and carers. 

It’s important to recognise that all relationships experience highs and lows, including the one you have with your child. Even when you feel like your relationship has lost its way, you can rebuild communication with your teen through patience, warmth and consistency. Though it might not look like it, even when your teen isn’t talking to you, they are still listening and noticing.

Struggling to reconnect with your tween or teen? You’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself.

Even a single counselling session can help you understand what’s going on beneath the silence and give you practical tools to support your child and yourself.

If you’d like to explore how I can support you, you’re very welcome to get in touch here.

Have you ever found yourself wondering what on earth it is that’s preventing your teen or pre-teenage child from getting things done? Why do they always leave their homework to the last minute, only to turn into a stressed-out whirlwind of anxiety as they yell at you for something you’re not quite sure about but appears to be entirely your fault? Even though you’ve been constantly ‘reminding’ them about this assignment for the past week (if not longer).

Welcome to the world of teen procrastination, where the next stop is ‘Yeah, I’ll do it in a minute’.

Why do teenagers procrastinate?

Recognising what’s going on in your adolescent’s brain at this stage is key to understanding and approaching this. During adolescence, the part of the brain responsible for planning and decision-making is under considerable development, making it difficult for them to work out where to start and how to break them down into more manageable steps. No wonder they get overwhelmed.

Also, if they don’t see the point of a task, they’re less likely to feel motivated to complete it and, therefore, are more likely to procrastinate. Given the choice between geography homework on arable farming and checking Instagram, you can guess which option they’ll be drawn to.

The parent trap (what not to do)

• Nagging and constantly reminding: This just leads to resistance (from them) and resentment (for them and you).
• Taking over the task: A fundamental part of being a teenager is learning about and developing problem-solving skills. They don’t learn this when you do it for them, just because they find it hard.
• Punishing without understanding: This does not address the root cause of their avoidance and is, therefore, not helpful.

If you’ve fallen into any of these traps before, don’t worry; you are not alone! The good news is that small tweaks in how you approach this can make a big difference.

Practical ways you can help your teen 

•  Break it down: Help them split tasks into smaller steps.
• Use “when and then”: “When you finish your homework, then you can go on your phone.”
• Teach time management skills: Set a timer — 20 minutes or so — so they focus on the task (no phones or distractions) and see how much they get done. The goal is the amount of time rather than the amount of work done or the number of words written. Look up the Pomodoro Technique — it’s honestly a game-changer.
• Encourage them to find a routine: For example, your teen might come home, have a snack, do 20 to 40 minutes of homework and then gain uninterrupted access to YouTube for half an hour.
• Create external motivation: Because of where they are developmentally, your teenager is more motivated by a tangible reward than longer-term goal setting. Saying, “Writing about arable farming will help you get into the university course you want”, is not a strong motivator for the teen mind. Recognition and genuine praise work much better, such as “You made arable farming sound really interesting!” or privileges they can earn, like 30 minutes of uninterrupted YouTube time if they get 40 minutes of focused work done.
• Encourage them to find potential solutions: “What would make this feel easy to get going?” rather than “Why aren’t you doing this?”

Choose support over control

The jump to secondary school is big for your kids, and schoolwork and homework don’t tend to get any easier. Empathise with your teen or pre-teen and recognise that they are struggling with this task. Expecting them to get on with it is not helping them find their way through.

You can show them how you manage procrastination yourself (set that 20-minute timer – it’s how I’m writing this article you’re reading right now!). Break tasks into smaller chunks and create a distraction-free environment. And let them experience natural consequences where possible. So, if they don’t get their assignment done, they will face the consequences from school. Let them handle the outcome (within reason). Schools are very good at setting expectations and consequences, so let them.

Focusing more on how you can support your teen rather than trying to control them can help them build essential coping skills. Your teen isn’t procrastinating because they’re lazy or unmotivated; they might just need some guidance to find what works for them.

Seeking extra support

Some adolescents’ procrastination may be related to a perfectionist tendency, a fear of failing or not doing things “right.” If you feel your child’s procrastination goes beyond “typical” teenage behaviour and could be linked to underlying anxiety, perfectionism or ADHD, they might need extra support and strategies to help them manage.

If you notice that procrastination is causing significant distress and leading to meltdowns, school avoidance or constant battles at home, professional support can help. Counselling can help your teen understand their challenges, build confidence and develop techniques for working through procrastination in a way that works for them.

Being there for your teen when they are procrastinating can be frustrating and exhausting. Counselling for parents can help you find practical strategies to put in place, improve communication with your teen and support them whilst looking after yourself.

If you’re feeling stuck or unsure how to help your teen stay motivated and on track, you don’t have to work it out alone. I offer supportive, practical counselling for parents of tweens and teens – whether you want a one-off session or ongoing support.
Book your 10-minute Booking Check-In Call HERE or get in touch to learn more.

Has your teen or nearly teenage child recently come out as trans or started to question their gender identity? You might be feeling a mix of surprise, worry, confusion or even relief if you’ve had a sense that something was going on. Whether you’ve wondered about this for a while or it’s come completely out of the blue, it’s normal to need some time to process what your child is telling you.

First, be proud of your kid (and yourself) that they felt safe to share this with you. They have shown that they trust you and can be honest with you. Let them know how glad and proud you are that they have come to you with this, and reassure them that they have done the right thing in telling you. Be clear that this will not in any way change how much you love them. There’s nothing wrong with being trans. What matters most is that your child feels safe, loved and accepted.

Be open and supportive, remembering that this is a process you will work through together over time. Coming out as LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and/or questioning) is daunting! You can’t tell your teenager what their gender identity should be, but you can be there alongside them as they start to work this out for themselves. Listen to them and reassure them that you are 100% on their side.

What if I’m unsure how permanent this is?

Our identities grow and evolve over time, particularly in adolescence, so trust that your child will sort this out in their own time and in their own way.

Most important is how your teen is treated. Leave the door open on the conversation so they can come back, talk with you, and put your relationship with them front and centre. Gender identity is not a trend or a phase; trans young people deserve to be believed, even if things change or evolve later. So don’t dismiss this as a phase; they have almost certainly thought long and hard about their gender identity. They need to know that you are listening and are taking on board what they are saying.

How do I protect them from a potentially harmful family or community response?

It’s completely normal to worry about how others might respond. Let your child know there is nothing wrong or shameful about being trans. Talk with them about how and when they might want to share their identity with others — and remind them you’re right by their side.

This current generation of young people and children is much more aware of and accepting of the trans and LGBTQ+ community than you might think. You could start a conversation by saying you’re glad they are letting you know and asking them, “Have you thought about sharing this with your friends?”

You might want to check out their school’s policies for trans students – do your homework! Learn about issues that impact the transgender community. Speak with the school (but only with your child’s permission) about how they will ensure your child will be kept safe and not bullied. Let your kid know that you will always be there to support them.

Help them stay safe, both online and out and about. Make sure you know their rights and help them understand these, too. Remind them of the support and help that is available to them and help them access it if necessary. This may be counselling, mental health support and trans youth groups at school or in the community.

Follow your teen’s lead on conversations about their gender identity and keep an open mind. Don’t make assumptions. It’s natural to want to shield your child from harm. By becoming an informed, vocal ally, you can help make the world around them safer.

When they open up to you

When your tween or teen tells you what’s happening in their life, they watch out for and gauge your reaction (more than you might think). If you feel like you weren’t quite present with what they were saying or that this caught you off guard, let them know that, apologise and remind them that you still love them unconditionally. “Nothing is wrong here. I wasn’t expecting to hear what you said, and I want you to know I am 100% supportive of you.”

• Let them know how proud you are of them and that they made the right choice to tell you. Be really clear with them that this will not change how much you love them.
• Using their chosen name and pronouns is one of the most powerful ways to show your support. It might take time to get it right – what matters is that you’re trying.
• Talking about and sharing how you’re feeling is important, too. Feeling confused, sad or worried about your child is natural. Parents can also experience feelings of loss or uncertainty. It’s valid to seek support for yourself; just be mindful not to burden your child with your emotions. Don’t forget that you can talk about this with friends, other parents or carers and, of course, with a counsellor. Be aware of and respect your child’s privacy and confidentiality.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure, you’re not alone. Parenting a trans child can bring up a lot, and you deserve support, too.

I work with parents of tweens and teens to help them feel more confident and connected. If your child has come out as trans and you’re not sure what to do next, I offer supportive one-to-one sessions to help you navigate it all. Get in touch HERE.

It’s not uncommon for a parent to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and unsure, and this doesn’t go away when your child starts to move into adolescence. You face unique challenges: managing mood swings and school pressures, as well as navigating their (and your own) screen time and need for increasing independence. 

Despite this, many parents and carers hesitate to seek support for themselves. But if you’re struggling with communication, worried about your child’s well-being, or simply looking for ways to restore a little calm to your home, counselling can provide the support you need, tailored specifically to your and your family’s needs. 

Counselling for parents gives you a practical, non-judgemental space to talk through your concerns, find new strategies and approaches and rebuild your confidence in your parenting. 

You might consider counselling for a variety of reasons:

• You might feel overwhelmed, stressed or burnt out trying to juggle your family’s needs alongside your own.
• You may be experiencing conflict or struggling to communicate effectively with your teen or pre-teenager.
• You could be worried about your child’s mental health, how they’re managing school pressures or difficulties with friendships.
• If your child is going through a tough time, it’s natural for you to feel the impact, too. Add to this the usual dose of parental guilt and self-doubt, and you can be left feeling pretty hopeless and not sure how to manage. 
• Major life transitions, such as separation, blended families, or loss, can also add to the challenge.

No matter what’s making parenting feel difficult right now, seeking support is a positive step forward.

What Counselling Support for Parents Offers You

• First and foremost, counselling is your time to discuss what’s worrying you and any challenges you face. It might seem a bit of a trope to say it’s a non-judgemental and safe space, but this is fundamentally what counselling is. 
• You’ll leave your sessions with practical tools and techniques for managing difficult situations and improving your communication, which will strengthen your relationships. 
• You’ll find ways to look after yourself by setting appropriate boundaries and managing stress. After all, how can you truly be there for the people who need you when you’re feeling wrung out and thoroughly depleted? 
• It’s important to acknowledge that you’re not alone in finding parenting preteen and teenage kids challenging. Parenting an adolescent can often feel isolating, and there are fewer opportunities to connect with other parents, unlike when your children were small and in primary school. Understanding typical behaviour during this stage helps you recognise common struggles, making the journey easier.

How is Counselling Different from General Parenting Advice?

Why go to a counsellor about parenting when you can find general advice online? While there is a place for researching and potentially finding communities facing similar experiences, counselling for parenting offers something different. It isn’t just about behaviour management, it’s where you can talk about and explore how you’re feeling and explore any underlying issues that might be making this stage extra tricky for you. You get the chance to reflect and gain a new perspective on the areas of parenting you’re finding challenging. The support is tailored and specific to you, your child and your situation instead of one-size-fits-all advice. 

Common Misconceptions About Counselling for Parents

• “Counselling is only for when you’re really struggling” It can also be a proactive way to check in and keep up-to-date.
• “I should be able to handle this on my own” Seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.
• “The focus is only on me.”  While this is your time, it’s also about finding ways to improve the dynamics in your family, not just individual support.

Could Counselling Help You with Your Parenting?

• Are you feeling stuck in a non-stop cycle of frustration and arguments?
• Do you feel constantly worried, stressed and drained physically and emotionally?
• Are you unsure of how to support your child around a specific issue?
• Are you ready for things to feel calmer at home and for connections in your family to be stronger?
• Are you ready and motivated for a positive change?

Then, yes, it sounds like counselling could help you!

Parenting has its ups and downs, and everyone can benefit from some support along the way. Counselling can give you the space, tools and confidence to navigate these challenges, helping you feel more in control and connected with your child. If you’re ready for a positive change, taking that first step towards support could make all the difference.

Seeing your child grow up and move from childhood into adolescence and beyond is a bittersweet experience for most parents and carers. On the one hand, you see them develop into their own person, trying new things, making new friends and navigating the ups and downs of secondary school like a champ. On the other hand, you may feel a pang of nostalgia for the relationship you once had, where they relied on you for everything, from picking out their socks to bandaging a scraped knee when they’ve taken a tumble. Instead of asking for your help, they want to work things out on their own—even if it means making mistakes along the way.

The reality is that letting go of your child as they grow up is challenging, and trying to find the right balance between giving them their independence whilst maintaining that all-important connection is a struggle many parents and carers experience. Gradually letting go and finding increased independence are vital parts of adolescence. Your teenage child needs autonomy if they are to develop confidence, the skills they need to make decisions, and the flexibility to bounce back from life’s ups and downs.

So, why does this shift toward independence happen, and why is it so important?

Why does independence matter?

Your child’s brain is developing extensively throughout their pre- and teenage years (and beyond), and part of this development naturally pushes them towards independence. This shift toward independence is completely natural—it happened to you as a teenager, too! It’s also fairly typical for parents to worry about their child’s safety, particularly when part of their learning how to be good at making decisions involves making some not-so-great decisions. There is also an element of feeling your child is turning away from you at this time, and you feel left out of your teen’s life. However, the benefits of this independence are that their self-confidence increases as they become more skilful at problem-solving, and it also allows them to be more responsible and accountable for their choices and actions.

Making the move from control to guidance

As your child grows and develops, your role as their parent must also change and evolve. Think of it as moving from the role of ‘manager’ to one of a mentor – someone to support and guide them. Rather than feeling like you’re no longer needed because you absolutely are, you can take a step back, showing them your trust. While this shift can take some time, getting used to it is vital – no one likes a micromanager, and excessive control will soon backfire.

How to set boundaries without being controlling

So, trusting your teen is essential for their independence, but how can you do that within safe limits?

• Clear expectations: Structure and routines help everyone. The key is to balance this with flexibility.
• Negotiation skills: Most teens love a debate, so involving them in setting boundaries makes them more likely to stick to them. That said, some rules—especially around safety—should remain non-negotiable.
• Natural consequences: Let them make mistakes and learn from them. How can they work out how to do things better if someone is always jumping in and fixing them? This also goes for consequences set outside of the family unit. For example, if the school rule is that a specific pair of socks must be worn and your child gets into trouble for wearing the wrong ones, let them face the consequences from the school. I talk to many parents stressed about their kids not adhering to school rules about uniforms or make-up. Let them make their choice and then face up to the consequences set by the school. Schools are very good at setting boundaries and consequences, so let them follow through.

Keep connected

Although you’re in the process of letting them go to do their own thing and be their own person, your connection with your child doesn’t have to (nor should it) get weaker. When you are together, make the most of this time. The key is to prioritise quality of time together rather than quantity. Keep it low-pressure; it doesn’t have to be sitting down and having an intense conversation about every little thing. Check in on them when you’re giving them a lift, take the dog for a walk together, or watch a favourite program on television together (one they like watching). They will be spending more time away from you, disappearing into their rooms, and spending more time with their friends, which is part of their growth. Don’t take it personally, but keep lines of communication open.

Looking after Yourself

The best way to show your teen how to be responsible and to be able to look after themself is to recognise how you’re feeling and how your anxiety about parenting might be showing up. Being a parent as your child moves into and through adolescence is hard! But, by cutting yourself some slack and recognising this letting go as a process, you can help make this transition feel (relatively) more manageable. It’s inevitable, so if you can go with it rather than fight against it, things will feel less tense. When your teen makes mistakes, recognise this as part of their growth and show them how to let go of perfectionism by letting go of your perfectionism. Just as there’s no such thing as a perfect teenager, and you wouldn’t want that for your kid, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Focus more on long-term connection rather than short-term control.  

Remember, letting go is a process – turn your focus on keeping connected with your teenager. They need you just as much as ever; it just doesn’t always look or feel like that. Trust yourself and trust your teen.

Your teen’s growing independence isn’t a sign that they don’t need you—it’s proof that you’ve done your job well.

Struggling with your teen pulling away? You don’t have to navigate this alone. If you’d like support in keeping connection strong while encouraging their independence, I’m here to help. Book a session or explore more resources HERE.

Do you ever wonder how and when your relationship with your child became more … complicated? And will you ever return to the easy, good-natured chats you used to have? It can hurt to feel your adolescent child has closed off communication, and it’s scary to imagine that your child might not come to you when they are in trouble or having a tricky time because communicating simple things has become overwhelmingly fraught and challenging. This isn’t just you! It’s a surprisingly common experience for parents and carers of tweens and teens. Understanding why your teen or nearly teenage child has seemed to close off can help give you insight into what’s happening and find ways to improve your communication and connection.

It’s important to remember that during adolescence, we are seeking autonomy. This desire arises from the developmental changes occurring at this stage; it is a natural part of becoming an adult. Adolescents are working to establish independence, learning to care for themselves and navigate the world independently. For them to find this independence, your teen needs to have their own space, away from you, so they are more likely to close off and become a little more reserved. Adolescents are also more vulnerable emotionally as their feelings become very intense and changeable due to hormonal changes, but they don’t have the ability just yet to be able to articulate how they’re feeling.  

Communication Strategies:

1. Establish a safe space where your teen can share what’s going on without being judged. And the way to establish this is to show them that you can listen to their thoughts and feelings when they share them without judgement.
2. Be present, but don’t push. You may find yourself asking repeatedly, ‘What’s going on?’ ‘Is everything ok?’ but I get nothing back. This is not unusual with teenagers! The key is to be physically and emotionally present so they feel you are there for them without pressuring them to talk. They are much more likely to open up to you.
3. Timing is everything: the best, most honest and open conversations happen during low-pressure activities, like car rides or cooking together. It’s often easier to have these conversations when you are physically side-by-side rather than eye-to-eye across the kitchen bench. Gaming or watching videos together (their choice) is also an excellent option for a chat.
4. Focus on listening rather than solving: While they might want help finding solutions, you must show them that you hear what they say. Listen to them and show an interest in what they’re saying. Think of it as gathering information and being curious rather than having your focus on ‘fixing’. Show them this by validating what they’re letting you know; for example, you could say, ‘That sounds rough’, ‘then what happened?’ or ‘Tell me more about that’.
5. Show them what good communication skills look like by expressing what you’re thinking and feeling clearly and calmly. Be open and honest with them – you don’t have to tell them everything, but if you’ve had a tough day at work and are feeling exhausted, share this with them (keeping in mind point 3 above!).

It can feel like there’s a thin line between being supportive and giving your teen or nearly teenage child some space. They need some privacy – try to respect this. Trust your instincts on this; you know them best of all – do you think they need to talk this through, or do they just need time and space to work through how they’re feeling? If you’re not sure, ask them just this. With time, they will also understand they can contact you for needed support. This ebbs and flows as they move through adolescence, so finding a balance is crucial.

When communication is extra challenging

Parenting is not an exact science. Conversations are not always going to go as planned; in fact, they are more likely to go differently than how you had it planned in your head. It’s like tricky conversations with anyone because humans can be tricky! It’s ok. Think about what worked well and what didn’t, and determine how things can improve next time. The truth is, it’s most often a matter of timing – when you have the conversation.

If you’re finding communication barriers between you and your child persisting and it’s getting in the way of your relationship and impacting how you’re feeling – counselling for parents can help. You can discuss your challenges and strategies to create a calmer, happier home environment. If you need more support, book a session today and start rebuilding communication.

Adolescence is when we become fountains of knowledge, knowing all there is to know about everything. Conflict comes from those (usually our parents and other adults around us) who think they know everything just because they’ve been around longer. Perhaps this is simplifying and making light, but so goes the thought process of many a teen or nearly teenage child. Have you found that your child is becoming more vigorous with their assertions as they move into later primary school age? You are not alone! Welcome to the conflict zone commonly entered when our kids hit their tween and teenage years.

Adolescence is a time of finding independence, pushing boundaries, and practising conflict in a safe, stable environment. The good news is that your child is doing exactly what they should be doing at this age, pushing your every button and constantly being ready for a debate. It also means that you’ve raised them to have their own opinions and thoughts and that they feel comfortable expressing these. The not-so-good news is that this can be, frankly, exhausting. You might find yourself watching what you’re saying to avoid pushback from them and feeling like you’re struggling to express yourself to them, which can start to negatively impact your relationship. Practical tips for de-escalating arguments with teens can make a world of difference here. As adolescence is when your communication needs to be effective, not shut down, what can you do to de-escalate when the conflict and arguments get too much?

Here are some practical tips for de-escalating arguments with teens:

1. Recognise your feelings:

Before you can do anything to turn the volume down a notch, you need to recognise what is happening and how it’s making you (and them) feel: perhaps frustrated, stressed, or fearful. The chances are, if you’re feeling this, your teen is, too, which puts you in a good position to understand what’s happening.

2. Centre Yourself:

Take a moment to take three deep breaths and centre yourself. I’m not telling you to ‘calm down’ – no one feels calmer after being told to calm down! – but do not underestimate the power of pausing and breathing before reacting.

3. Shift Your Mindset:

Think of shifting your mindset from trying to control the situation or ‘winning’ the argument to connecting with what your teen is experiencing and focusing on your relationship to change the dynamic. This is where your empathy comes in. You want to acknowledge that this is important to them.

4. Validate Your Teen’s Feelings:

It’s common for teens to feel misunderstood or, worse, dismissed when expressing their feelings or speaking about something important to them. When anyone feels hurt, misunderstood or rejected, it’s easy to become defensive. Let them know you’ve heard them by validating their feelings; for example, you could say, “I can see how that would be upsetting,” or “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated.” Helping teens feel understood while resolving conflicts can significantly reduce tension.

5. Acknowledge Your Role in the Conflict:

If they’re angry at you or something you’ve done or contributed to, acknowledge your part and, if necessary, apologise. We all make mistakes and slip up – it’s part of being human – how you move on that counts. Let them see you taking responsibility by acknowledging, apologising, and moving on. Effective communication with teens is essential for maintaining trust and connection.

6. Set the Tone for the Conversation

We communicate with much more than just our words; tone of voice and body language make a world of difference and can either escalate or de-escalate a tricky interaction. You may well want to give as good as you get by being equally sarcastic, shouting, or dismissive. As tempting as this may be in the moment, setting the tone of the conversation as calm and respectful means conflict is much more likely to dissipate.

7. Pick the Right Time to Talk:

Timing is everything. The time for a sensible and relaxed discussion about probably sensitive topics is not when emotions are riding high. When stressed (no matter how old we are), making rational choices and finding solutions is almost impossible because our brains are in their fight-or-flight stress response mode. However, as an adult, you are better at regulating your emotions than your adolescent child because of where they’re developmentally and also because you’ve had more time to practice! You can revisit the topic and how it was handled later when things feel more relaxed.

Help your teen find a sense of autonomy when resolving conflicts to work out ways to solve problems collaboratively by actively listening, taking turns to speak, and brainstorming potential solutions together. Let them express their perspective fully and then give them the direct experience of finding a win-win compromise. They’ll be able to learn and, most importantly, practice their conflict-resolution skills in a safe space (with you). Remember that the goal here is to focus on the bigger picture, a positive relationship, and not win a single argument. Show them that it’s okay to move on after a ‘robust’ discussion without holding grudges, and let them know that you love them and want to work this out with them. These strategies to create a calmer, more connected home life can transform your relationship.

De-escalating conflict with your teenager takes patience and practice, but it’s definitely worth the effort. Plus, these tips and strategies work with adults just as well as with young people.

Dealing with conflict during the tween and teen years can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. If you’re ready to create a calmer, more connected relationship with your teenager, I can help. Book a session today to explore tailored strategies and support for your family’s unique needs.

Parenting Teens: Keeping the Peace During Busy Times

I hear pretty much all year round how busy life often feels, but the stress can feel more pronounced around certain times of the year, such as school term, holidays or family events. As you’re trying to manage everyone’s expectations (including yours), increased demands on your time can leave you feeling emotionally and physically drained. So, how can you maintain a sense of calm, connection and understanding during these hectic times?

This blog will give you ideas on how to stay connected with your teens, help with general teen stress management, and give tips to overwhelmed parents during those busy times.

Talk about expectations beforehand

 before things start getting too hectic. Maintaining expectations is more manageable when everyone knows what’s coming up and when. Encourage input from your teenager, letting them express how much they want to participate in activities. That way, you have a good start in understanding where your and their expectations may differ and can take these into account to meet in the middle somewhere. Keeping a sense of flexibility is key – rigid expectations and perfectionism do not help to reduce pressure on anyone.

Recognise signs of stress in your teen

so that when they start to show it, you can address it. You know them best, so you will most likely recognise these signs, such as irritability, withdrawal or changes in behaviour. You don’t have to sit them down for a big heart-to-heart; just encouraging a check-in on their feelings is a positive start. Part of your preparation for potentially busy times can be discussing helpful ways to manage stress, such as pausing and taking a couple of deep breaths, moving your body, getting outside or writing your feelings down in a journal.

• Set aside one-to-one time with your teen regularly. This is all about quality time rather than quantity. Don’t underestimate the power of a check-in, as the kettle is boiling!
• Practice actively listening to them so that they feel heard and valued. This means listening and acknowledging what they’ve said without jumping in to fix or offer solutions.
• Recognise the effort they’re putting in even when times are stressful. Positive reinforcement works and helps them feel more confident in themselves.

Aim for connection over perfection.

Focusing on quality rather than quantity of time together with short but meaningful interactions goes a long way. You might enjoy watching a favourite show together, taking the dog for a walk or baking a festive cake. And let them have their downtime when needed without making them feel guilty. We all need some alone time, even at the busiest times of the year.

Model self-care; show them what boundaries and self-care look like.

How can they be expected to be kind to themselves and give themselves a break when you never do this for yourself? These busy times of the year can also bring up old memories or feelings, which can be challenging. Make recognising the importance of self-care and looking after yourself part of your family tradition.

Trying to keep on top of day-to-day life is challenging enough, especially when teens are involved, and this can feel even more tricky at busy times of the year. Remind yourself and your kids that it’s okay if things don’t go exactly to plan or get a little complicated—life gets messy! How you manage these ups and downs counts, and you must approach challenges together.

Keeping up with day-to-day life can be challenging, especially during busy seasons. Remember, it’s okay if things don’t go as planned—life can get messy! How you navigate these ups and downs as a family matters most. Approach challenges together, and remind yourself that progress is more important than perfection. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or concerned about how your teen is coping, reaching out for support can make all the difference. Whether through counselling, a supportive friend, or one of my workshops, small steps can lead to a calmer, more connected family life.

Contact me HERE to learn more about my workshops and single-session therapy options.