Understanding your tween

The move from childhood to adulthood is one of the quickest and most sudden stages of development. The changes that happen may seem to be universal, but the time and speed varies a lot among and even within individuals. External factors like getting the right type and amount of nutrition or being exposed to an abusive environment will also have an impact on these changes.

The years between childhood and the start of adolescence (typically the ‘tween’ years between around 9 and 12 years old) see all sorts of challenges that can seem to merge into one. Moving from being the ‘big kids’ at primary school, for example, to becoming small fry again at a potentially larger and more impersonal secondary school. The onslaught of hormones and their changes to body development can be really challenging to the young person. Adolescence is a time for young people to establish their own individual identity where they're more likely to be spending more time with and connecting more closely with their peer group than their family. 

A matter of biology

So what's happening to your child developmentally? While there are individual differences, overall, biological maturity is reached before psychosocial maturity. The limbic system (responsible for pleasure-seeking, emotional responses and sleep regulation) changes before the area of the brain (the pre-frontal cortex) which deals with decision making, forward planning, organisation and impulse control. This means that, until the pre-frontal cortex catches up with the limbic system, the desire to seek short-term rewards and social pressures from peers override rational thinking. 

What does this mean?

As their ability for decision making is still developing, younger adolescents can be especially vulnerable at just the time they are starting to look outside their family. Some adolescents are especially vulnerable, for example, those growing up in poverty, where there is family violence, where the adults around them have issues with alcohol and other drugs. Certain health issues that may appear during adolescence such as mental health issues or issues around substance misuse reflect both the biological changes of puberty and the social setting in which young people are growing up in. These health consequences can continue to impact throughout adolescence and into adulthood.  Young people and the adults around them need to understand the processes that are occurring during adolescence. Not all young people are the same.

Communicating with your adolescent child

If you are reading this and you are over 25 years old – congratulations, you survived adolescence! Whilst your adolescent child may be happy to hear about your values, opinions and your experiences as a young person no one appreciates being judged or talked down to.

Make the effort to listen without judgement and really try to hear what is being said. Jumping in with an immediate reaction will present a real challenge having a meaningful discussion. Lectures are not heard. A young person who is upset or in crisis will not be able to absorb information unless it is delivered in a really concrete, specific way that they can follow.

Young people may express and exaggerate fleeting feelings, hating someone one day and being best friends with them the next. Empathise but first and foremost, be a sounding board. If you blast the friend they had the fight with you will be in the wrong when they are the best of friends again the next day.

Establish open and loving communication with your child but be consistent. Young people need boundaries and limits and whilst they will push these let them know that, if they do, there will be consequences. Give specifics, so ‘If you do… the consequences will be… but you can still come to me if you are ever in trouble.

Looking after yourself

Finally – look after your own well-being. Parenting through the early years of adolescence can be particularly stressful. Parenting babies and toddlers is recognised as a time when mental health issues, anxieties or depression can become an issue and it is easy to feel overwhelmed. These feelings do not necessarily end when your child turns two. Create a support network rather than depending on the other parent – your relationship will not need the additional strain. Prioritise your feelings and make sure you are getting the love and support you need as well as giving it to children and loved ones. 

Counselling can help. If you are struggling with your relationship with your adolescent child and are ready for change contact me here now to see how we can work together.