When our children hit puberty (generally when they are 10 to 12 years old), the emotional centres of their brains become super-powered. This also means that their ability to maintain perspective is not so great in comparison. They become emotionally labile - their emotions are all over the place - meaning they tend to become overwhelmed easily. Feelings become very intense for them and the impact on you is that it can feel like there is nothing you can do right.
At this stage, your child is driven by a need to extricate themselves from you and become their own person. Your relationship is changing and their need to separate from you and find their own identity also means that pretty much anything you do is wrong and extra annoying. Anything you do that is not the way they see themselves is not good; anything you do which is how they want to be is also not good. This intensifies around age 13 when they're looking to get their needs met outside the family but we’re often still dreaming of cosy chats inside coffee shops.
Teens need to push away safely. There can be times when they feel the need to give a big push to get their independence, which can feel like an attack. This is especially true when you’re holding boundaries (as you should be) but it can also feel that the very fact that you exist aggravates them. Being told constantly by your child that you're annoying and wrong can feel very personal.
What can you do?
You know your kid the best - trust that you will know when something is up where you should be concerned. It could well be that your teen is picking a fight as it's the most efficient way they know to get you quickly engaged when they need you.
So what on earth can you do?
- Try not to take it personally - remember, this will not last forever.
- Try to give a helpful reminder rather than nagging.
- Try not to react.
- Stop probing and asking leading questions - be a soft, close presence because they need breathing space.
- Remember that this is down to developmental factors that neither of you can control. This isn't forever and it will ease.
If they have been outwardly rude to you, it’s OK to pull them up because it's your job as a parent to show them how to be caring, confident people out in the world. Don’t let them act at home in a way that would be unacceptable in the outside world - you’re doing them no favours if you do. Home is a safe training ground for developing ways to let them be successful in the outside world.
There is no need for them (or you!) to be outright rude or disrespectful. Don’t make it a row, but do tell them "No, it's not OK to say that" and "If you’re going to talk to me like that - you need to go away and cool off".
You can give them three options:
- You can be friendly (this is the best one yes please).
- You can be polite.
- You can tell me you need some space.
Work out why they are reacting like this; they may be tired, so their impulses are strong and their controls are weak. Have they picked up on something other kids say at school? Is it something they've seen on social media? Is it hormonal?
Give time and space for their emotions to settle (and let yours settle too!) Let them know you need some space to cool off as well whilst also letting them know that you will be talking about this (so they know they’re not off the hook). It’s going to be hard not to react and you’re probably exhausted as well - give yourself a breather. This also shows them how you manage and regulate your emotions when things become overwhelming - it's a great learning tool.
Do you remember snow globes? When we are upset and overwhelmed, our minds feel like a snow globe shaken up. It would help if you let things settle - this is not the time to talk to them - give them a chance to reregulate and let their brain balance out.
You can explain this to your child using the snow globe as an analogy that they can relate to. These intense emotions feel weird to them too. While you don’t need to get into a biology lesson, it might be helpful to talk about what's happening with their emotions (when they’re calm).
- How do you help them regulate their emotions? Give them time to let their emotions settle. You could suggest going for a walk together or sometimes just offering them a drink of water can be enough.
- Show them how you regulate your emotions.
If there’s something to be solved, they will be better able to be rational and you have a much better chance of sorting this out together.
Being a parent is hard and it doesn't get any easier as your child moves through adolescence. This can impact your mental health, leaving you feeling stressed, overwhelmed, depressed or anxious. Speaking with a counsellor can help. I’m based in East Sussex, between Brighton and Eastbourne, and work online. We can work together on coping mechanisms that will make you feel more balanced and stronger to support your teen. If you have any questions or would like to find out more, please do get in touch with me.