Being a parent is hard; and can feel even harder when your child hits their teen and preteen years. You may find yourself facing challenges you might not have prepared for.
So, here are some tips to help you find your way through these years in one piece (you and them!).
Be prepared for changes
Puberty changes almost every aspect of your child’s life; physical, emotional, and social. And while these changes happen quickly, they don’t all happen at once (although it may feel like it to you!). Remember that these changes are healthy and perfectly natural; after all, you have been through this and made it through in one piece!
Also, remember that their brains are still under construction. Their thinking and behaviour can seem quite mature sometimes, but at other times their behaviour is illogical, impulsive or emotional. Our frontal cortex (the part of the brain used for reasoning) is the last area to develop. A teenager's developing brain does not function in the way we may expect an adult brain would.
Communication is key
Be open and honest with them; if you don’t know the answers straight away, tell them. When you and your child have mutual trust, your communication will be better. They will be more likely to come to you when they need help. Show them you're interested in what’s going on in their life and be aware of what they're doing and how they’re behaving. This makes it easier to spot changes that might signal a problem.
Set boundaries
Young people need boundaries that are clear, consistent, reasonable and realistic. Let them have input into them; that way, they are more likely to stick to them. These can and should change as they get older. Work out rules and routines with them – for example;
- you text me when you get home from school
- we have regular family dinners
- there is a set time to come home on Saturday nights
Set the expectations of what you need to know, for example, where they're going, who they’ll be with and when they will return.
Be supportive
They still need you to be there for them (even though it doesn’t always feel like it). They need you to step in and fix much less than you might think. Teens do much better when we back off and let them do things for themselves – let them make those mistakes and do all the things we did when we were their age. Drop the need to lecture or fix and replace it with listening and asking questions so you can understand.
Trust them
You don’t have to agree with everything they do, but you should respect their decisions. They need to know that you trust them in their journey and that you know they are capable of working things out.
Trust in their journey. Let them know that you have confidence in them and that you know they are capable. If they need help, they need to know that they can come to you and that you will give them the help they need, without judgement.
Respect their privacy
Do not:
- listen to phone conversations
- go through their room or drawers
- read their diary or emails
- ‘friend’ them on social media if they don’t want you to
- call to check on them all the time
Look after yourself
These can be challenging times, but remember to notice the good bits because there will be plenty. Young people are funny and bright and great fun to be around.
This is a transition period for them, and for you, as their parent. They don’t need you to be perfect; they need you to be you. Putting all your energy and effort into being the ‘perfect’ parent is too much. It doesn't make you or your children happy.
Remember that help is out there
Navigating this time in your child’s life can be challenging and it can also be rewarding. You don’t have to work this out alone.
- Read books, articles, and blog posts to learn what to expect and how you can support your child in the way they need.
- Talk to other parents - they can be a great source of support.
- Seek professional help if you need it.
I'm based in Peacehaven, between Brighton and Eastbourne and work online with parents and carers to help them feel more confident in their parenting. If you are struggling to cope with how your child is behaving and how that is making you feel and you'd like to find out more about how we can work together, get in touch with me here.
Do you need a single session to get you moving again?
An Empower Hour can help. It's a single session where we focus on one main issue to help you work out what your next steps might be. Find out more here.