Month: November 2023

In the fast-paced rhythm of our lives, do you ever find yourself caught in the unrelenting dance of worry? Does your mind replay conversations like a broken record, scrutinising every word and gesture for hidden meanings? Do you feel tense in your body, whisper of headaches, and yearn for restful sleep that seems elusive?

If this scenario feels familiar, you’re not alone. Emotional hypervigilance, a stealthy companion to our daily existence, affects many of us. In this blog about this heightened awareness, let’s uncover the signs, delve into its impact on our lives, and discover pathways to a more serene existence. 

According to Counselling Directory member Gregori Savva’s article, ‘What is emotional hypervigilance?’ emotional hypervigilance is “a heightened state of arousal, stress or sensitivity to certain sensory stimuli.”

Recognising the signs of emotional hypervigilance

• Constant worry: You worry continuously, without a break and often about things beyond your control. Because of this, you feel constantly on edge and find it challenging to relax.
• Overthinking and rumination: You replay your thoughts on a loop in your mind, repeatedly thinking about the same things, especially your problems or worries. It’s like having a broken record playing in your head. You might constantly replay a conversation, analysing every word and gesture, looking for hidden meanings or signs of disapproval, even in casual interactions. With overthinking, you might spend much time imagining potential future social scenarios, creating mental scripts for every possible conversation in an attempt to be prepared for any outcome. 

Physical symptoms

The stress associated with emotional hypervigilance can also impact your physical body in the following ways: 

• Muscle tension: You might notice increased muscle tension, particularly in the neck, shoulders and jaw, making you uncomfortable and even experiencing headaches. 
• Digestive issues: Stomachaches, indigestion, changes in bowel habits and even irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) symptoms. 
• Sleep disturbances: Emotional hypervigilance often interferes with sleep and might cause insomnia, restlessness and fragmented sleep patterns. You may find yourself waking up frequently during the night.
• Headaches: Caused by physical tension and stress. 
• Fatigue: Being constantly vigilant and on edge is physically draining, leaving you tired, low on energy and generally exhausted. 

Even though these are physical symptoms, counselling can give you tools and strategies to effectively manage these manifestations of emotional hypervigilance by giving you the headspace you need to manage your stressors.

Relationship struggles 

When you are constantly second-guessing yourself, not expressing your needs and finding it hard to be present in social interactions, it is no wonder this can impact your relationships. Misunderstandings, conflicts, or difficulty forming connections are more likely. You might then withdraw from social situations and isolate yourself for fear of judgement or rejection.

Some causes of emotional hypervigilance

It’s typically a combination of factors that contribute to you feeling this, for example:

• Anxiety, social anxiety, or specific phobias can lead to constant worry and vigilance.
• Past trauma such as abuse, violence or a life-threatening event may develop emotional hypervigilance as a defence mechanism. 
• High levels of stress from work, family, or personal issues.
• Perfectionism, where you are constantly seeking flawlessness and fear of making mistakes.
• Sensory sensitivities.

A word on hypervigilance in neurodivergent (autistic and ADHD) individuals

Emotional hypervigilance is not exclusive to autistic and ADHD individuals. Still, it is prevalent, with social and sensory sensitivities and triggers often contributing. Autistic masking, where we hide our autistic traits to fit in better with the neurotypical world, can be conscious or unconscious and is exhausting either way. Intrusive or sudden noises can trigger heightened alertness and anxiety. Overcrowded places, such as public transport or crowded events, can be overwhelming and cause individuals to be on high alert. 

Executive functions are the mental processes that help us achieve our objectives; they help us solve problems, guide our decision-making, and control our actions. Executive functioning differences in autistic and ADHD people mean emotional regulation is challenging, particularly when sensory overwhelm, when our working memory or difficulties with time management make it difficult to complete tasks.

These social and sensory sensitivities and executive functioning challenges can cause stress, anxiety, and emotional hypervigilance.

Finding healthy coping strategies

Perhaps you recognise some of these signs in yourself or your loved ones – what can help?

Mindfulness and relaxation techniques

• Mindfulness is staying fully present in the moment without judgment or distraction. It can be anything that takes your mind off what has happened and might happen in the future. It’s paying deliberate attention to your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and the surrounding environment as they are in the present.
• Deep breathing: Practice deep belly breathing to calm the nervous system and reduce anxiety.

Self-care

• Regular exercise: Physical activity can help reduce stress and anxiety. Find an exercise routine you enjoy, whether walking, yoga, or a team sport.
• Adequate sleep: Prioritise good sleep routines and ensure enough rest, as sleep is crucial for managing emotional well-being.
• Nutrition: Maintain a balanced diet focusing on whole foods, as nutrition can impact mood and energy levels.
• Hydration: Drink enough water throughout the day, as dehydration can contribute to stress.

Seeking professional help

It’s important to note that emotional hypervigilance can affect individuals in different ways and to varying degrees. The first step is awareness, and if you’ve recognised any of the signs in yourself or someone you care about, you’re already on the path to understanding and healing. Seeking professional help is a critical step. Addressing emotional hypervigilance can involve understanding the underlying causes. Counselling can help with this and support you to find healthy coping strategies that work for you.

In addition, the coping strategies mentioned, like mindfulness, relaxation techniques, self-care, and seeking support from friends and family, can help guide you back to a healthier emotional state. Remember, you’re not alone in experiencing this. Many of us grapple with heightened vigilance, and self-compassion and understanding will help you feel healthier and happier – something to be genuinely vigilant about. 

If this resonates with you, explore my profile for more information on how we might work together or to get in touch. Remember, you’re not alone in experiencing heightened vigilance. Many of us navigate these challenges, and self-compassion and understanding can lead us to a healthier and happier state. Let’s embark on this journey together. 

There you are: cruising through life, feeling confident and in control, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a curveball called ‘menopause’ arrives. It’s like a surprise guest at a party you weren’t prepared for, and it doesn’t just affect your well-being – it’s a party crasher that messes with the dynamics of your closest relationships. Have you ever wondered how this natural phase in life can impact your connections? Whether you’re experiencing the effect of menopause yourself or a partner wanting to understand and support your loved one, here are some of the surprises and opportunities menopause brings to the table.

Menopause is a natural biological process where the menstrual cycle stops, marking the end of the reproductive years, typically occurring between the ages of 45 and 55. It happens via stages including perimenopause (the years leading up to menopause), menopause itself (when there have been no periods for 12 consecutive months) and post-menopause (the phase that follows).

Hormonal changes primarily drive menopause, specifically a decline in oestrogen and progesterone, which leads to various symptoms which tend to include (but are not limited to!) hot flushes, night sweats, mood swings and changes in libido. These symptoms can directly impact intimate relationships with partners, family and friends, causing low self-esteem, low self-confidence and family issues.

It’s important to note here that while menopause symptoms can present challenges in relationships, they can also be an opportunity for growth and a more profound connection between partners when approached with empathy and open communication.

According to a survey by the Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education, eight out of 10 women experiencing marriage difficulties said the symptoms of perimenopause or menopause put a strain on their family life.

Challenges of menopause on relationships

What are some typical symptoms of menopause that can directly impact your significant relationships?

• Mood swings: Hormonal fluctuations during menopause (similar to puberty) can lead to mood swings, irritability and increased emotional sensitivity. Both you and your partner may find tensions rise more quickly in conversations, causing conflict.
• Change in libido: Many may experience decreased sexual desire during menopause, leading to a decline in sexual intimacy, which can affect both partners emotionally.
• Sleep disturbance: Lack of quality sleep impacts your ability to communicate effectively and spend quality time with your partner.
• Brain fog: Memory lapses and cognitive changes in menopause are common. Forgetfulness or difficulty concentrating can lead to misunderstandings and frustration.
• Emotional challenges: The impact of menopause on our mental health is often overlooked, but anxiety and depression can occur, causing a strain in the relationship if not addressed openly or supported by your partner.

A combination of these, plus the physical symptoms of menopause, can make effective communication more challenging. Partners willing to learn about menopause and provide emotional support can help mitigate these challenges.

Positive aspects of menopause in relationships

Menopause has been a taboo in our society, but this is gradually changing. Many positive aspects need to be recognised and valued. It is a time for growth, connection, and renewal.

• Deeper emotional connection: Menopause encourages us to communicate more openly about how we feel physically and emotionally, allowing partners to support and understand each other better. It creates a sense of solidarity and a stronger bond as you and your partner empathise with the challenges and celebrate the positives.
• Increased freedom: Menopause often comes when your focus shifts from raising children as they become more independent, perhaps leaving home for university, to spending more quality time together as a couple. It’s an opportunity to spend time together travelling, sharing hobbies or just spending time together.
• Renewed romance: With fewer distractions and increased confidence, there’s more time and space to enjoy a more exciting romantic life. You can emerge from menopause with a greater sense and understanding of your body, and exploring new ways to maintain your physical connection can lead to a more creative and satisfying intimate life.
• Embracing change together: Menopause is a significant life change. Facing it with your partner as a team can foster a sense of togetherness. It encourages improved communication skills as you work together to express your needs and concerns more effectively. It teaches us to be more empathetic and patient with each other, benefiting the relationship beyond menopause.

Please seek professional advice, especially when menopause symptoms significantly affect your well-being and relationships. Don’t try to work through these on your own. HRT is one option, and there are others for you to consider under the guidance of your GP or a medical professional specialising in menopause.

Do you feel your menopause is negatively impacting your relationships? As a counsellor specialising in parents and carers of tweens and teens, I am aware of the perfect storm of hormonal activity where one family member is experiencing menopause as another is experiencing puberty. 

Contact me today to find out how we can work together.

Remember the butterflies in your stomach on your first day of high school or that awkward feeling when you had to speak in front of the class? We’ve all been there. Now, imagine your teenager going through those moments daily, struggling with shyness in an increasingly complex world. In this article, I’ll explore the unique challenges that shy adolescents face and provide you with practical tips to help them thrive.

Adolescence is a stage of development that brings unique challenges to parents and carers. It’s a time when our identity is changing, and social dynamics are constantly evolving. Many of us have experienced shyness at some point and understand the challenges it can pose. But what if you’re concerned that your teenager is timid? This article will explore how to support them, whether shyness can be “fixed,” and the importance of nurturing your teen’s qualities. I’ll also explore when shyness might become a more significant concern and offer practical tips to help your shy adolescent build confidence and resilience.

This article will explore the topic of shyness in adolescents, a common and natural aspect of growing up. It’s important to distinguish that we are discussing shyness, which is a personality trait, and not social anxiety, which is a related but distinct condition.

Shyness is a feeling familiar to most of us. It can feel like a resistance band holding you back, making you uncomfortable, fearful, or apprehensive, making interacting with others or sharing ideas difficult. Shyness can be a natural personality trait, and it’s essential to recognise that there’s nothing inherently wrong with being shy. There are also positive aspects to shyness, such as deeper thinking and heightened empathy.

Understanding Shyness in Adolescents:

Shyness can look different in tweens and teens than in younger children. They may need help with shyness in public speaking, initiating conversations with peers, or working out the complexities of dating and romantic relationships. Understanding these subtle distinctions is crucial for effectively supporting your shy teenager.

Most younger children will be shy in specific situations or around certain people. But when does your adolescent child’s shyness become a concern?

Identifying shyness as an Issue in pre-Teens and Teenagers:

Shyness can become more pronounced during adolescence due to increased social pressure and the desire to be accepted by peers. You may find your teen less forthcoming about their feelings, so you must maintain lines of communication.

Recognising when shyness goes beyond typical teenage reservations is vital for providing timely support. You might want to look out for the following:

1. Consistently avoiding social situations, even those they used to enjoy.
2. Having a very small or non-existent social circle.
3. Difficulty forming and maintaining friendships.
4. Intense fear or anxiety before or during social interactions, panic attacks, rapid heart rate, sweating, and trembling are signs of heightened anxiety.
5. Physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, nausea, or even vomiting related to social situations can indicate that shyness has escalated into a significant concern.
6. They are avoiding school, participating in extracurricular activities, or taking on responsibilities.
7. Symptoms of depression including ongoing sadness, loss of interest in activities, and social withdrawal.
8. Excessive use of social media to avoid face-to-face social interactions.

Moods can be fleeting and volatile during adolescence. If the signs persist over several months and affect several aspects of your teenager’s life, however, it indicates that their shyness has become a significant concern.

Shy teens may feel underestimated and overlooked, struggling with confidence in school, potentially impacting their academic achievements and happiness. When their shyness restricts their experiences, causing them to miss out or negatively affecting their school performance, these signs need addressing.

Practical Tips for Parents of Shy Adolescents:

• Respect Their Independence:

• • Adolescents crave autonomy. Respect their space and let them make choices about social interactions while offering (subtle) guidance when needed.

• Encourage Extracurricular Activities:

• • Encourage your teen to explore interests and hobbies outside of school. Joining clubs or groups that match their interests can lead to more meaningful social interactions.

• Discuss Social Challenges:

• • Initiate conversations about your teen’s social challenges, whether dealing with peer pressure, navigating dating, or preparing for college or future careers.

• Promote Self-Expression:

• • Encourage your teen to express themselves through creative outlets like writing, art, or music. These forms of self-expression can boost confidence and self-esteem.

• Set Realistic Goals:

• • Please work with your teen to set achievable social goals relevant to their age group. For instance, they could aim to attend a social event with a friend or initiate a conversation with a classmate.

• Encourage Peer Involvement:

• • Encourage your teen to invite friends over or engage in group activities. This can help them build social skills in a comfortable setting.

• Seek Professional Help If Needed:

• • If your child’s shyness is causing significant distress or interfering with their daily life, consider consulting a professional who works with young people for specialised support. Early intervention can make a substantial difference in helping your teenager manage their shyness and related challenges effectively.

Everyone is unique; what works for one young person may not work for another. Patience and understanding are essential while helping your shy teen develop the social skills they need to flourish.

Shyness is a natural part of the human experience, and parents need to support their shy kids rather than trying to change them. By understanding the impact of shyness on your child’s life, promoting open conversations, and encouraging comfortable courage through small steps, you can help your teenage child build confidence and resilience. Remember, it’s not about “fixing” shyness; it’s about helping your teen thrive on their terms.

Are you feeling overwhelmed and unsure how you can support your shy teenager? I work with parents of tweens and teens, offering personalised guidance and support. Contact me today to discuss your situation and explore how we can work together to help your teenager overcome shyness and find their full potential. Don’t let shyness hold them back from the bright future they deserve!