Month: February 2024

As your child hits their tween years, it can feel quite overwhelming. With all the ups and downs, laughter and eye rolls, have you ever considered how this journey impacts you as the parent or caregiver?

It’s important to give yourself some credit. After all, you are the superhero behind the scenes, ensuring homework is done, and the fridge is stocked with snacks. But being a parent is about more than just navigating the teen landscape. It’s also about embracing your own journey of growth and self-discovery alongside your child.

Finding yourself again 

Shifting roles

The dynamics between you and your teen change during adolescence, meaning you must adapt your role as they seek more independence. Think of yourself more as a guide than a caretaker.

Emotional rollercoaster

As children enter their teenage years, their bodies undergo changes which can impact their sense of self. As a parent or guardian, it can be exhausting to be constantly affected by their mood swings. It can be challenging to maintain a clear perspective when you’re being hit with a wave of emotion from your teenager. And to make things worse, they may brush it off and tell you to ‘chill out’. The constant conflicts and growing pains can affect your emotional well-being.

Letting go

Letting go of control can be tricky, but you must let your teenager make their own decisions. Still, this process can profoundly affect your identity as you balance guidance and autonomy. The parents I work with often express the challenges of this balance, as it’s constantly changing and evolving in a non-linear fashion as your teen ages. It’s not just you feeling this way; many parents feel the same way, and it’s OK to experience these struggles.

Communication challenges

It can feel like you are conversing with an (often more than one) entirely different entity from the primary-age kid you used to have. Communication barriers frequently arise during adolescence, and finding new ways to connect with your teenager can be a journey of self-discovery for parents. 

Help create an environment where your teen feels heard and understood with:

Active listening:

• Practice active listening by giving your full attention when your teen is talking. Put away distractions like phones or other devices.
• Reflect back on what you’ve heard to ensure you understand correctly. This not only demonstrates attentiveness but also clarifies any potential misunderstandings.

Open-ended questions:

• Instead of asking closed questions that prompt simple “yes” or “no” answers, try asking open-ended questions to encourage your teen to share more about their thoughts and feelings.
• For example, instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” you might ask, “What was the best part of your day?” This invites a more detailed and meaningful response.
• You could even turn it into a fun game by asking ice-breaker questions like “If you could have one superpower, what would it be?” or “Would you rather be able to talk to animals or read people’s minds?” – I’ve worked with a lot of young people in my time. You should never underestimate the power of an ice-breaker!

Finding common ground:

• Identify shared interests or activities they are passionate about, whether a hobby, sport, or TV show. 
• Be open to their interests, even if they differ from your own. Showing genuine curiosity about their world can help you build better communication and understanding. 

Remember that building better communication is a gradual process that requires patience.

Parental peer pressure

Parents and carers face immense societal pressures during their child’s adolescence. Teens may remind you of how you measure up as parents, but it’s essential to focus on your child’s well-being rather than external perceptions. Don’t compare yourself to others; set boundaries around your parenting choices without conforming to societal expectations.

What helps?

Self-care

You must look after yourself – prioritise your well-being and mental health. Only when you are healthy and happy can you be there for those who need you. Let me explain it with an analogy. When you are on a plane, the flight attendant instructs us to put on our oxygen masks first before assisting others. This is because we won’t be able to help anyone if we run out of oxygen ourselves. So, always remember that taking care of yourself is crucial and should be your top priority.

Rediscovering personal passions

Rediscover your interests and hobbies; what did you like doing as a kid? Have you considered joining an art class or taking up tap dancing? Now is the time. Maintaining a sense of who you are is vital as your children become self-sufficient. 

Support systems

It’s important to have a support system in place. Reach out to your friends and family for help and connection. Our social circles play a big role in shaping our identity, and it’s vital to have people to turn to when we need support.

If you’re struggling with a sense of loss or confusion about your identity outside of being a parent, counselling can be a valuable resource. Don’t feel like you have to figure it out alone – I specialise in adolescent issues and am here to help. Get in touch to learn more about how we can work together.

As parents and carers, we all want the best outcomes for our children, including their happiness, health and resilience. However, raising teenagers and preteens is both an art and a science. Here are six practical tips and suggestions that can help you influence your child’s happiness and wellbeing and raise them to be happy and resilient individuals.

1. Be happy yourself – prioritise your self-care

This is my number one tip for a reason! How can you expect your tween and teenage children to value themselves if you don’t love yourself? Your children are watching and learning from you – more than you might realise. When you model the importance of caring for your wellbeing, it teaches your children the value of balance, self-compassion and looking after themselves.

2. Encourage effort over being perfect

Perfectionism comes at a cost. A fear of failure can be paralysing, stopping your kids from taking risks or trying new things. When we mess up, we learn how to do better next time. Letting your kids make mistakes and get stuff wrong is crucial to their development. Feeling constant pressure to be perfect makes them more likely to avoid taking on a challenge. Perfectionism also takes a toll on mental wellbeing, leading to increased levels of stress, anxiety and depression and setting a path to burnout and feeling inadequate. Focus on the process and effort they put in rather than outcomes. They are much more likely to take on challenges, mess up, get up and try again. 

Let’s say your tween is struggling with maths at school. Instead of aiming for perfect marks, focus on consistent effort, asking for help when needed, and seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn and improve. Over time, their maths skills improve, and they develop a strong work ethic, resilience, and problem-solving abilities. 

Another example is a shy teen who finds starting conversations or making new friends challenging. They can adjust their approach and improve their social skills by consciously stepping out of their comfort zone (just a little) and learning from awkward moments. Through this process, they form new connections and develop self-confidence, empathy, and increased self-esteem.

3. Show them the importance of empathy and boundaries

Demonstrate the importance of empathy – the ability to take on another’s perspective, feelings or experiences. One of the best ways to model empathy is by actively listening – focusing on what is being said to genuinely understand and connect with others. Help them work out small, specific, thoughtful acts they can do, such as holding the door open for someone or helping a classmate with their books. This encourages kindness and allows them to look for ways to impact their community positively.

Help them with boundaries; these are vital for positive relationships. For example, early adolescents need specific help with digital boundaries. Guide your tweens and teens on the importance of privacy and responsible social media use. Teach them about the potential consequences of sharing personal information online and respecting others’ privacy. 

4. Spend quality time together

Quality rather than quantity is essential here. Check-in on your teen’s day and listen when they tell you. You could schedule regular activities (based on their preference), such as playing a sport or game, walking, or watching something together (even if it’s something you’re not particularly interested in – they will love you being there). 

Establish specific times for device-free activities, such as family meals or before bedtime, to promote better sleep and overall wellbeing. Designate specific areas or times in the house as tech-free zones to encourage face-to-face interaction and family bonding. For example, the dinner table or family game nights can be designated when everyone puts away their devices

5. Encourage independence

Give them the tools to make decisions and learn from their experiences. This also helps build resilience – the ability to get back up after setbacks. 

School subject selection is an example of letting your child decide for themselves. They may need help deciding whether to take on a more challenging course that lines up with their passion or a subject that might be less demanding.

• Discuss each choice’s long-term benefits and challenges, given their future goals and ambitions.
• Help them research the potential impact of each choice on future academic and career opportunities.
• Suggest they speak with teachers, guidance counsellors, or mentors for additional perspectives.
• Reinforce that both choices have advantages and disadvantages and that the decision should match their personal growth and learning style

6. Help them choose healthy lifestyle habits

They are growing fast and need good nutrition, exercise, and sufficient sleep for their overall wellbeing. Sleep is vital at this age, but it can sometimes feel like you are raising a vampire who shuns daylight. 

• Encourage your teen to go to bed and wake up simultaneously every day, even on weekends. Consistency helps regulate our body clock, making it easier to fall asleep and wake up naturally.
• Help your teen find their own calming routine before bedtime. This could include reading, a warm bath or shower, or relaxation exercises. Avoid stimulating activities, like using electronic devices, at least an hour before bedtime.
• Talking of electronic devices – help them manage their screen time – this is not something teens or tweens are good at! Encourage balance between screen time and other activities, establishing a “screen curfew” at least an hour before bedtime.
• Make sure their bedroom is conducive to sleep. This means a comfortable, relaxed, dark, and quiet environment.
• Encourage regular physical activity during the day.

It’s important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising teenagers. Every young person is unique, and embracing their individuality is crucial to help them develop a positive self-image. Ultimately, your role as a parent is not to shape your child into a predetermined mould but to provide a supportive environment where they can explore their uniqueness and individuality.

If you’re struggling to communicate with your teen or need further guidance, I specialise in adolescent issues. Please don’t hesitate to contact me to see how we can work together. I can provide you with strategies and the confidence to manage this challenging phase of parenting.