Month: July 2024

One moment, you’re besties, sharing jokes, friendship bracelets, and adventures. The next, you’re faced with a barrage of eye-rolls, grunts, and mumbles where you’re not quite sure what they just said, but you’re pretty sure it wasn’t very friendly. This might escalate to all-out declarations of war. But remember, this is all part of the standard stage of teenage development, which I call ‘the Great Pushback’. It’s a period where your teen is asserting their independence, testing boundaries, and trying to figure out who they are. It can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that this is a normal part of their growth and development, not a sign of a problem.

Understanding adolescent development is not just helpful; it’s pivotal. It gives you a solid base and a framework to understand what is happening. It recognises that this is a to-be-expected part of parenting a teen or nearly teen. This knowledge empowers you to navigate this stage with confidence. This stress on understanding can make you feel more prepared and less anxious about the challenges that come with parenting a teenager.

Understanding Adolescent Development

The hormonal changes associated with puberty should not be underestimated. They profoundly affect your child’s mood and behaviour, often leading to unexpected reactions and outbursts. The teenage brain undergoes significant growth and changes. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation, is still developing. This means that your teen is not only dealing with intense emotions but also learning to make decisions and regulate these emotions. Add the work on developing decision-making skills; you have quite the heady mix.

Independence and Identity Formation

The teenage years are a time of seeking independence and exploring identity. This natural desire to break free and find autonomy can often lead to clashes with parents and carers. Your teen is also trying to figure out who they are in this pivotal stage. They need to constantly push boundaries and test limits, which means they are testing your limits as well! To manage these conflicts, it’s important to set clear boundaries, encourage open communication, and respect their need for independence while providing guidance and support.

Communication Breakdown

Teenagers often feel misunderstood due to differing perspectives. As an adult, you may have a more experienced and rational viewpoint than your teenager. However, consider the impact before sharing this with them, as it might not be well received. Have you ever been told you’re being irrational when disagreeing with someone? There’s a fair chance that it’s your teen who says this to you! It doesn’t feel great and could be more helpful.

Nevertheless, it’s essential to remember this. This is why there can be misunderstandings and communication barriers. Remember, their perspective is valid, even if it’s different from yours.

Peer Influence

Relationships with peers become increasingly important for teenagers. Social pressure might cause teens to prioritise friends over family, leading to conflicts at home. Teens seek peer approval, leading to clashes with family values or rules.

Emotional Intensity

Adolescence is intense, and teens may not always know how to manage these feelings effectively. Small issues can seem like huge problems to teens, leading to overreactions and exaggerated responses.

Parental Expectations

The weight of your expectations can feel more substantial and overwhelming to your teens than you realise. Your expectations may seem obvious and reasonable to you, but they can overwhelm your teenager. Talk to them to help gauge what is and isn’t sensible. It can be a balancing act, but balancing support, freedom, guidance, and independence is important. This balance can change and evolve as your teen gets older and has more responsibilities at home and school. One way to achieve this balance is to involve your teen in setting expectations and rules, allowing them to have a say in their own life while respecting your authority as a parent.

Signs of Deeper Issues

If you are experiencing ongoing and particularly strained conflicts with your adolescent child, it could be an indication of an underlying issue such as depression or anxiety. Signs to look out for include:

• Persistent sadness.
• Changes in appetite or sleep patterns.
• Social withdrawal.
• A significant drop in academic performance.

If you are worried that deeper issues may be at play, seeking professional help is essential.

Conclusion

Navigating the teenage years can be challenging for both parents and teens. Understanding the developmental changes and the intense emotions your teen is experiencing can help you approach conflicts with empathy and patience. The most crucial tool in your arsenal is open communication. By fostering a safe and open environment for your teen to express themselves, you can work together to overcome these challenges. Remember, this phase is a normal part of growing up. You and your teen can get through it together with time, support, and open communication. This emphasis on open communication can empower you to build a stronger relationship with your teen.

If anything I’ve said resonates with you, please don’t hesitate to get in touch HERE. Counselling with me can help you find effective strategies and solutions to support your teenager.

Helping your teen find independence is a crucial aspect of their development. This is when young people will naturally start to challenge authority and seek autonomy, the ability to decide what to do rather than being influenced or told what to do by someone else. While this behaviour is typical during adolescence and is essential for their growth, it can also be challenging for their parents and carers.

One moment, your child sees you as a source of knowledge and wisdom; the next, they treat you like you know nothing. Despite the instinct to protect and guide, allowing teens to explore their independence to meet their psychological and emotional needs is essential.

For instance, empowering your teen to make their own decisions, such as choosing extracurricular activities and managing their study schedules, can significantly boost their self-esteem. Successfully navigating these choices reinforces their confidence in their abilities and judgment, reassuring you that you’re effectively encouraging their independence. 

Granting teens the autonomy to handle conflicts with their peers and manage their responsibilities, such as budgeting, helps them develop crucial problem-solving skills. This ability to think critically and independently will help prepare them for the challenges of adulthood.

Setting clear boundaries and expectations

Establishing clear and consistent boundaries is crucial for maintaining safety and structure. For example, knocking before entering their room shows your teen that you respect their need for independence and personal space. At the same time, it’s reasonable to expect them to keep their room tidy by putting dirty clothes in the laundry, clearing used dishes, and ensuring their floor is (more or less) clear.

Remember to:

1. Be specific – Use straightforward language. Avoid vague instructions like “Tidy your room”. Instead, be precise by stating tasks such as “Put your dirty clothes in the laundry, use crockery in the kitchen every day, and keep the floor clear of clutter to keep your room tidy.”
2. Provide reasoning – Teens are more likely to respect boundaries when they understand their logic. For instance, explain that keeping their room clean creates a comfortable space for them to relax and study, and it also makes it easier to find things, reducing stress.
3. Involve them in decision-making – For instance, when it comes to keeping their room clean, you could ask, “What do you think is a reasonable way to ensure your room stays clean?” This involves them in the decision-making process and makes them feel respected and more likely to comply with the rules.
4. Outline consequences – Clearly outline them so they understand the implications of not respecting boundaries. For example, you could say, “If you don’t put your dirty clothes in the laundry regularly, they won’t get washed, and you’ll have to wear them dirty.” Also, discuss reducing some of their privileges until their room is clean.

How to teach teens to be more responsible

Maintain open communication

Stress the significance of keeping lines of communication open. It’s crucial to have honest and respectful conversations, even about challenging topics. This will make you feel more connected and involved in your teen’s life, fostering a stronger relationship.

Balance freedom with guidance.

By being supportive yet non-intrusive in your teenager’s life, you can allow them to make their own decisions while still providing guidance.

Recognise and respect individuality.

Acknowledge and respect your teen’s unique personality, interests, and opinions. Show interest in their passions and hobbies, even if they differ from your own.

Deal with conflicts and misunderstandings

Handle conflicts and misunderstandings calmly and constructively. Empathy is essential here—try to see things from their perspective to understand better how to resolve issues.

Promote problem-solving skills

Teach your teen problem-solving skills and how to approach challenges independently. Guide them through making decisions and solving problems rather than stepping in to fix things for them.

Model independence and responsibility

Model-independent and responsible behaviour by demonstrating how you manage tasks and commitments. Share how you plan your day, handle chores, and balance work and personal life. For example, you could show them how you manage your work deadlines and household chores or how you make time for your hobbies and personal interests.

Seek professional help when needed.

Remember, seeking professional help, such as counselling for parents, is always an option if navigating your teen’s independence becomes particularly challenging. This reassurance should make you feel supported and understood, knowing that help is available when you need it.

Do you have a teen or nearly teenage child and need help boosting their independence? I specialise in supporting parents and carers in developing strategies for their teen’s growth. Contact me today, and let’s work together to build a positive and empowering environment for your teen.

Bullying can cause long-lasting harm to a young person’s mental health and overall well-being. Discovering that your teenager is being bullied can be highly distressing for you as a parent or caregiver. However, there are strategies you can employ to provide support and guidance to help them navigate through this difficult experience.

Bullying is when a person or group deliberately and repeatedly hurts another person or group, usually happening when there is an imbalance of power. Bullying can be physical (hitting or pushing, for example), verbal (such as name-calling, teasing, or saying mean things), or psychological (like spreading rumours, manipulating social relationships, or threatening to reveal personal information). It can happen in person or online (cyberbullying), which involves using digital technology to harass, humiliate, or send hurtful messages.

The impact of bullying can be devastating to a young person’s mental health and well-being, especially when it continues over time.

It’s important to note that having disagreements, arguments, or experiencing occasional hurtful comments from friends or peers does not constitute bullying. Bullying involves repeated mean and hurtful behaviour.

Signs of Bullying

Recognizing signs of bullying in teenagers can be more challenging than in younger children because teens may feel ashamed or afraid and may not confide in you. Here are some common signs that might indicate your tween or teenage child is being bullied:

• Changes in behaviour: Becoming more isolated, having trouble sleeping, asking you for money
• Withdrawal from social activities or suddenly deleting social media accounts
• Physical: Unexplained injuries, regularly complaining of headaches or stomach aches
• Reluctance to go to school or changes in academic performance

Communication is Key

It’s important to keep lines of communication open. When teenagers feel safe and know they won’t be judged, they find it much easier to talk about their experiences. Listen to them without interrupting, and don’t jump in offering immediate solutions. They want to feel heard and understood. Let them know that:

• They were right to speak to you about what is happening, even though it might have been hard
• Bullying is never ok
• This is not their fault
• You will work with them to make things better

Having worked with young people for over ten years, I often hear from them that they don’t want to worry their parents or carers. By keeping communication open and maintaining your connection, your teen will feel more confident that you can work out potential solutions together.

Practical Steps

• Documenting Incidents: Keep a record of bullying incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions. Encourage your teen to write down what happened as soon as possible after the incident. If the situation escalates, this record can be used as evidence when reporting the bullying to the school or authorities.
• Developing a Plan: Collaborate with your teen to establish a plan of action, including how to respond to bullying, who to approach for help, and what steps to take if the bullying continues.

When to Involve the School

When dealing with bullying, involving the school is important, but the first step is to talk to your child. Reassure them that you are in this together. When discussing the bullying with their head of year or pastoral lead, be specific about the incidents and their impact on your child. Ask about the school’s policy on bullying and what measures will be taken to address the issue. It’s important to approach this conversation calmly and constructively, focusing on finding a solution.

Advocate for your teen by staying informed about the school’s actions. Avoid involving the other child or their parents directly, as this is more likely to make the situation worse. It’s much better to work with the school on this.

Professional Help

If your teen is being severely affected by bullying, therapy can provide a safe space for them to process their experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. This can be done through the school or privately. However, it’s important to talk to your child about this first and not go over their head; getting their buy-in is crucial.

Dealing with bullying is a continuous journey that requires your commitment and alertness. Your ongoing support is crucial in helping your adolescent child navigate this difficult situation and build resilience for the future.

If anything I’ve said resonates with you, please don’t hesitate to get in touch HERE. Counselling with me can help you find effective strategies and solutions to support your teenager.