Month: January 2025

Adolescence is when we become fountains of knowledge, knowing all there is to know about everything. Conflict comes from those (usually our parents and other adults around us) who think they know everything just because they’ve been around longer. Perhaps this is simplifying and making light, but so goes the thought process of many a teen or nearly teenage child. Have you found that your child is becoming more vigorous with their assertions as they move into later primary school age? You are not alone! Welcome to the conflict zone commonly entered when our kids hit their tween and teenage years.

Adolescence is a time of finding independence, pushing boundaries, and practising conflict in a safe, stable environment. The good news is that your child is doing exactly what they should be doing at this age, pushing your every button and constantly being ready for a debate. It also means that you’ve raised them to have their own opinions and thoughts and that they feel comfortable expressing these. The not-so-good news is that this can be, frankly, exhausting. You might find yourself watching what you’re saying to avoid pushback from them and feeling like you’re struggling to express yourself to them, which can start to negatively impact your relationship. Practical tips for de-escalating arguments with teens can make a world of difference here. As adolescence is when your communication needs to be effective, not shut down, what can you do to de-escalate when the conflict and arguments get too much?

Here are some practical tips for de-escalating arguments with teens:

1. Recognise your feelings:

Before you can do anything to turn the volume down a notch, you need to recognise what is happening and how it’s making you (and them) feel: perhaps frustrated, stressed, or fearful. The chances are, if you’re feeling this, your teen is, too, which puts you in a good position to understand what’s happening.

2. Centre Yourself:

Take a moment to take three deep breaths and centre yourself. I’m not telling you to ‘calm down’ – no one feels calmer after being told to calm down! – but do not underestimate the power of pausing and breathing before reacting.

3. Shift Your Mindset:

Think of shifting your mindset from trying to control the situation or ‘winning’ the argument to connecting with what your teen is experiencing and focusing on your relationship to change the dynamic. This is where your empathy comes in. You want to acknowledge that this is important to them.

4. Validate Your Teen’s Feelings:

It’s common for teens to feel misunderstood or, worse, dismissed when expressing their feelings or speaking about something important to them. When anyone feels hurt, misunderstood or rejected, it’s easy to become defensive. Let them know you’ve heard them by validating their feelings; for example, you could say, “I can see how that would be upsetting,” or “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated.” Helping teens feel understood while resolving conflicts can significantly reduce tension.

5. Acknowledge Your Role in the Conflict:

If they’re angry at you or something you’ve done or contributed to, acknowledge your part and, if necessary, apologise. We all make mistakes and slip up – it’s part of being human – how you move on that counts. Let them see you taking responsibility by acknowledging, apologising, and moving on. Effective communication with teens is essential for maintaining trust and connection.

6. Set the Tone for the Conversation

We communicate with much more than just our words; tone of voice and body language make a world of difference and can either escalate or de-escalate a tricky interaction. You may well want to give as good as you get by being equally sarcastic, shouting, or dismissive. As tempting as this may be in the moment, setting the tone of the conversation as calm and respectful means conflict is much more likely to dissipate.

7. Pick the Right Time to Talk:

Timing is everything. The time for a sensible and relaxed discussion about probably sensitive topics is not when emotions are riding high. When stressed (no matter how old we are), making rational choices and finding solutions is almost impossible because our brains are in their fight-or-flight stress response mode. However, as an adult, you are better at regulating your emotions than your adolescent child because of where they’re developmentally and also because you’ve had more time to practice! You can revisit the topic and how it was handled later when things feel more relaxed.

Help your teen find a sense of autonomy when resolving conflicts to work out ways to solve problems collaboratively by actively listening, taking turns to speak, and brainstorming potential solutions together. Let them express their perspective fully and then give them the direct experience of finding a win-win compromise. They’ll be able to learn and, most importantly, practice their conflict-resolution skills in a safe space (with you). Remember that the goal here is to focus on the bigger picture, a positive relationship, and not win a single argument. Show them that it’s okay to move on after a ‘robust’ discussion without holding grudges, and let them know that you love them and want to work this out with them. These strategies to create a calmer, more connected home life can transform your relationship.

De-escalating conflict with your teenager takes patience and practice, but it’s definitely worth the effort. Plus, these tips and strategies work with adults just as well as with young people.

Dealing with conflict during the tween and teen years can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. If you’re ready to create a calmer, more connected relationship with your teenager, I can help. Book a session today to explore tailored strategies and support for your family’s unique needs.

Parenting Teens: Keeping the Peace During Busy Times

I hear pretty much all year round how busy life often feels, but the stress can feel more pronounced around certain times of the year, such as school term, holidays or family events. As you’re trying to manage everyone’s expectations (including yours), increased demands on your time can leave you feeling emotionally and physically drained. So, how can you maintain a sense of calm, connection and understanding during these hectic times?

This blog will give you ideas on how to stay connected with your teens, help with general teen stress management, and give tips to overwhelmed parents during those busy times.

Talk about expectations beforehand

 before things start getting too hectic. Maintaining expectations is more manageable when everyone knows what’s coming up and when. Encourage input from your teenager, letting them express how much they want to participate in activities. That way, you have a good start in understanding where your and their expectations may differ and can take these into account to meet in the middle somewhere. Keeping a sense of flexibility is key – rigid expectations and perfectionism do not help to reduce pressure on anyone.

Recognise signs of stress in your teen

so that when they start to show it, you can address it. You know them best, so you will most likely recognise these signs, such as irritability, withdrawal or changes in behaviour. You don’t have to sit them down for a big heart-to-heart; just encouraging a check-in on their feelings is a positive start. Part of your preparation for potentially busy times can be discussing helpful ways to manage stress, such as pausing and taking a couple of deep breaths, moving your body, getting outside or writing your feelings down in a journal.

• Set aside one-to-one time with your teen regularly. This is all about quality time rather than quantity. Don’t underestimate the power of a check-in, as the kettle is boiling!
• Practice actively listening to them so that they feel heard and valued. This means listening and acknowledging what they’ve said without jumping in to fix or offer solutions.
• Recognise the effort they’re putting in even when times are stressful. Positive reinforcement works and helps them feel more confident in themselves.

Aim for connection over perfection.

Focusing on quality rather than quantity of time together with short but meaningful interactions goes a long way. You might enjoy watching a favourite show together, taking the dog for a walk or baking a festive cake. And let them have their downtime when needed without making them feel guilty. We all need some alone time, even at the busiest times of the year.

Model self-care; show them what boundaries and self-care look like.

How can they be expected to be kind to themselves and give themselves a break when you never do this for yourself? These busy times of the year can also bring up old memories or feelings, which can be challenging. Make recognising the importance of self-care and looking after yourself part of your family tradition.

Trying to keep on top of day-to-day life is challenging enough, especially when teens are involved, and this can feel even more tricky at busy times of the year. Remind yourself and your kids that it’s okay if things don’t go exactly to plan or get a little complicated—life gets messy! How you manage these ups and downs counts, and you must approach challenges together.

Keeping up with day-to-day life can be challenging, especially during busy seasons. Remember, it’s okay if things don’t go as planned—life can get messy! How you navigate these ups and downs as a family matters most. Approach challenges together, and remind yourself that progress is more important than perfection. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or concerned about how your teen is coping, reaching out for support can make all the difference. Whether through counselling, a supportive friend, or one of my workshops, small steps can lead to a calmer, more connected family life.

Contact me HERE to learn more about my workshops and single-session therapy options.