Do you ever wonder how and when your relationship with your child became more ... complicated? And will you ever return to the easy, good-natured chats you used to have? It can hurt to feel your adolescent child has closed off communication, and it's scary to imagine that your child might not come to you when they are in trouble or having a tricky time because communicating simple things has become overwhelmingly fraught and challenging. This isn't just you! It's a surprisingly common experience for parents and carers of tweens and teens. Understanding why your teen or nearly teenage child has seemed to close off can help give you insight into what's happening and find ways to improve your communication and connection.
It's important to remember that during adolescence, we are seeking autonomy. This desire arises from the developmental changes occurring at this stage; it is a natural part of becoming an adult. Adolescents are working to establish independence, learning to care for themselves and navigate the world independently. For them to find this independence, your teen needs to have their own space, away from you, so they are more likely to close off and become a little more reserved. Adolescents are also more vulnerable emotionally as their feelings become very intense and changeable due to hormonal changes, but they don't have the ability just yet to be able to articulate how they're feeling.
Communication Strategies:
- Establish a safe space where your teen can share what's going on without being judged. And the way to establish this is to show them that you can listen to their thoughts and feelings when they share them without judgement.
- Be present, but don't push. You may find yourself asking repeatedly, 'What's going on?' 'Is everything ok?' but I get nothing back. This is not unusual with teenagers! The key is to be physically and emotionally present so they feel you are there for them without pressuring them to talk. They are much more likely to open up to you.
- Timing is everything: the best, most honest and open conversations happen during low-pressure activities, like car rides or cooking together. It's often easier to have these conversations when you are physically side-by-side rather than eye-to-eye across the kitchen bench. Gaming or watching videos together (their choice) is also an excellent option for a chat.
- Focus on listening rather than solving: While they might want help finding solutions, you must show them that you hear what they say. Listen to them and show an interest in what they're saying. Think of it as gathering information and being curious rather than having your focus on 'fixing'. Show them this by validating what they're letting you know; for example, you could say, 'That sounds rough', 'then what happened?' or 'Tell me more about that'.
- Show them what good communication skills look like by expressing what you're thinking and feeling clearly and calmly. Be open and honest with them - you don't have to tell them everything, but if you've had a tough day at work and are feeling exhausted, share this with them (keeping in mind point 3 above!).
It can feel like there's a thin line between being supportive and giving your teen or nearly teenage child some space. They need some privacy - try to respect this. Trust your instincts on this; you know them best of all - do you think they need to talk this through, or do they just need time and space to work through how they're feeling? If you're not sure, ask them just this. With time, they will also understand they can contact you for needed support. This ebbs and flows as they move through adolescence, so finding a balance is crucial.
When communication is extra challenging
Parenting is not an exact science. Conversations are not always going to go as planned; in fact, they are more likely to go differently than how you had it planned in your head. It's like tricky conversations with anyone because humans can be tricky! It's ok. Think about what worked well and what didn't, and determine how things can improve next time. The truth is, it's most often a matter of timing - when you have the conversation.
If you're finding communication barriers between you and your child persisting and it's getting in the way of your relationship and impacting how you're feeling - counselling for parents can help. You can discuss your challenges and strategies to create a calmer, happier home environment. If you need more support, book a session today and start rebuilding communication.