The pressure on teens to be 'perfect' is not new. They need to stand out, but not too much, to succeed in school, complete their homework, and participate in extracurricular activities, all while getting along with their peers, parents, and other adults around them. It also involves carrying a hidden weight that is hard for parents to spot. Whilst it's not unusual for teens to want to excel academically, fit in with their peers, and feel good about how they present themselves, for some young people, the drive to succeed can easily tip into a more intense and unrelenting pressure to be perfect.
Perfectionism in teens may manifest as a constant drive for better grades, maintaining an attractive and immaculate appearance on social media, or simply a desire to avoid disappointment. This kind of pressure is overwhelming, affecting everything from self-esteem to sleep, and, in some cases, can lead to anxiety or burnout.
What are some common signs that your teen might be struggling with perfectionism? Where is this pressure coming from, and - most importantly - what can you do to support them in finding balance, confidence, and being a bit kinder to themselves?
Signs Your Teen Might Be Struggling with Perfectionism
- Fear of failure or intense reaction to even the smallest mistakes.
- Procrastination (how can I start when I know it's not going to be perfect?).
- Spending excessive time and headspace on schoolwork or appearance.
- Constant self-criticism and low self-esteem.
- Mood swings, anxiety or issues with sleep.
- Constantly seeking reassurance and praise for every little thing.
- Withdrawing socially or from hobbies they once enjoyed.
Where the Pressure Comes From
- Many young people feel pressure from academic expectations, where failure is not an option and high grades must be achieved if they are to stand any chance of succeeding. Peer pressure involves another form of conformity, where individuals conform to fit in or to look or act in a certain way. This may sound familiar from your teenage experience, but it is now relentlessly amplified to the max by social media. Like it or not, your teenager is exposed to the constant comparison to curated lives and a culture of 'likes'.
- While you want only the best for your child, even unspoken parental expectations can feel heavy on young people. It's worth considering the expectations you set for yourself as a parent. Your teen picks up on how you speak to yourself and respond to your own mistakes. The truth is no one is perfect, and, honestly, your kids don't need you to be. They just need you to be present.
The Impact on Mental Health
There is a definite connection between perfectionism and mental health concerns, such as anxiety, depression and burnout. A constant feeling of never being good enough takes its toll, and for the developing brain, the impact of chronic stress is significant, let alone what it's doing to your teen's view of themselves.
How Parents and Carers Can Help
Encourage open conversations about experiences and feelings so your teen feels comfortable sharing what’s happening in their life. When they express unhelpful thought patterns, such as berating themselves for receiving a 'B' on a test and calling themselves stupid, acknowledge their disappointment. Help them to recognise the effort they've put in and consider what they might do differently next time. Keep the focus on progress and effort rather than just the outcome to help them set realistic goals.
Final Thought
Perfectionism can quietly wear down teens, even when it stems from a genuine desire to excel. As a parent, your support, encouragement, and acceptance can make a huge difference.
If you’re worried your teen is under pressure or struggling to cope, you don’t have to work it out alone.
Get in touch to book an initial call session or find out how I can help.