Our teenage years are when we really start figuring out who we are. Experimenting with appearance is a key part of self-expression and identity development. Trying out different looks helps teens explore different versions of themselves as they work out what feels authentic.
It’s also a time when peer influence is especially strong. Teens are often seeking their ‘tribe‘ – a sense of belonging and acceptance. Think back to youth subcultures like goths, punks, or emo kids, where identity was often expressed clearly through clothing, hair, and accessories.
You may remember being told, “You’re not going out dressed like that!” or “You’ll freeze – put a coat on!” It’s nothing new – but it can still be jarring to hear those same words coming out of your own mouth, or even just catching yourself thinking, “What are they wearing?!”
Why It Can Feel So Hard
It’s completely normal to feel protective or worried. You might worry that your teen’s choices reflect badly on them – or on you. It can bring up clashes in values, concerns about safety, or fears that they’re growing up too fast.
What’s Typical – And What to Keep an Eye On
Things like short skirts, crop tops, dyed hair, and piercings are usually a normal phase – a part of growing up and testing boundaries. Even bold or dramatic styles are often just another form of healthy exploration.
That said, here are a few signs to gently keep an eye on:
- Sudden or dramatic changes in appearance that seem out of character
- Constantly seeking reassurance or approval – for example, “Do I look OK?” or frequent outfit checks for social media
- Self-critical comments like “I’m ugly” or “I’ll never look like them”
- Avoiding social situations unless they feel they ‘look perfect’
- Using heavy makeup, dramatic styles, or specific looks as a mask or armour
- Body image concerns affecting mood, confidence, or behaviour
- Appearance choices that seem more about fitting in or avoiding rejection than genuine self-expression
Many teens also draw inspiration from influencers or social media trends, and comparisons can be hard to avoid. This can shape not only their style, but also their self-esteem.
How to Keep Cool and Stay Connected
- Lead with curiosity, not criticism. Ask open questions like, “I noticed you’ve gone for a different look – what do you like about it?”
- Avoid shaming or power struggles over clothing choices
- Talk about practicalities and safety (like piercing care or dressing for the weather), rather than framing it as a moral issue
- Emphasise body autonomy – young people need to know they have a right to wear what makes them feel comfortable, regardless of others’ opinions
Setting Boundaries With Compassion
It’s OK to have some limits – for example, when it comes to school rules or safety – but try to explain these with empathy, rather than control. As ever, pick your battles. Is that skirt length or those socks really worth a showdown?
Ask Yourself: What’s Driving Your Reaction?
Is this really about your teen’s wellbeing? Or is it touching something from your own experiences? Think back to the messages you received about modesty, body image, or “dressing appropriately” as a child.
It’s OK for you to have a reaction – but the goal is to respond, not react.
Final Thoughts
Supporting your teen’s self-expression doesn’t mean letting go of all boundaries. It means finding a way to balance independence with guidance, so they can develop self-respect and feel good about their choices.
Open communication, curiosity, and calm connection will help them feel secure in who they’re becoming. And remember – most teens eventually grow out of the “shock factor” phase. What stays with them is how we responded.
If you’re finding it difficult to navigate your teen’s changing appearance or feeling unsure how to respond, you’re not alone.
This is something you can explore through counselling – whether in a single session or through ongoing support. Together, we can help you feel more confident, calm, and connected with your teen.
Get in touch HERE.