Parenting a tween or teen can be confusing. One minute, they want space and independence, the next, they’re overwhelmed or needing reassurance for every decision. You might wonder if you’re getting it right or going horribly wrong. You are not alone! In fact, this is part and parcel of raising adolescents. Your tween or teen still needs you just as much as before, but what they need from you now is different than when they were younger. Even over a few months, your relationship can feel like it’s changed a lot.
Although these changes are a regular part of adolescence, they can still be confusing for parents. It’s hard to know what your teen actually wants: your support or to make their own decisions. Feeling unsure is part of parenting tweens and teens. You’re learning as you go, just as they are.
They still need you - in a different way
As children become adolescents, their needs shift, and so the way you parent them needs to be flexible. These years are when we start to look outwards from the family we grew up in and turn our attention to our peers. The flip side is that there is a sense of them moving away from you emotionally because their focus is on working out and building relationships outside the immediate family.
It can be helpful for you to remember what it was like when you were that age, how important your friends were and how you felt that you belonged. The move of their focus towards their peers means there will be some pulling back from you, but that is not the same as rejection. It may feel personal, but it’s actually a vital part of their development. What’s most important is that you remain a stable, emotionally available presence, even if it is quietly in the background. You can do this with regular, subtle check-ins like ‘how was your day?’ or offering them a lift to their friend’s house.
Being present shouldn’t feel like pressure for you or your child. So, what does it really mean to be present?
Staying Present
- Be predictable, reliable, and show interest in everyday moments.
- Show up consistently, without pushing for conversation.
- Focus on being present over saying the right thing.
For example, when your child comes home from school, you might want to ask about their day or homework. But most people, even adults, need some time to unwind after a busy day. For kids, this need can be even stronger, especially when school is overwhelming. They’re more likely to share about their day when they feel relaxed and not pressured.
Mealtimes are another great opportunity to show patience and presence. Keep the discussion light; you don’t need to know every little detail of their day. This way, the focus is on familiar ground or topics that encourage them to engage without feeling pressured.
Bedtime can be another chance to connect. Just saying 'Good night' and 'I’m here if you want to talk' lets them know you’re there, and gives them the option to share.
Of course, staying calm and present isn’t always easy with a tweenager at home. It’s normal to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or even uncertain at times. So, how can you stay steady when emotions run high?
Staying Steady When Times Are Tough
- Your teenager is much more in tune with how you’re feeling than you might think. We all pick up on the emotions of the people around us, often without realising, and the same goes for teens. When you give yourself a moment to take a breath and steady yourself, your teen will pick up on this.
- Teens are learning how to manage their emotions; it’s one of the key tasks of this stage. When you show them how you handle your feelings and show yourself some compassion, they will pick up on this.
- The best way to do this is to pause, take a breath, and respond rather than react. This helps slow things down and prevents things escalating.
Listening Over Fixing
It’s tempting to want to fix things when your teen comes to you with a problem. Of course, you want to make things better for them; however, going straight to problem-solving can sometimes make teens feel shut down. More often than not, they just want to vent and to feel you’ve heard what they're saying.
You can help by using these simple listening cues:
- Reflect back what you heard them say.
- Keep open and interested. Think of this as gathering information.
- Don’t minimise their feelings.
For example, you could say ‘It sounds like you’ve had a rough day’ to show them you’ve heard them and are open to hearing more. Let them lead the conversation; it could be that simply articulating the situation out loud was all they needed.
Trust, autonomy, and boundaries
Your teenager is taking their first steps towards independence, and to do this, they need (some) space and freedom to try things out. They need:
- To feel trusted at the same time as feeling supported.
- To have clear, direct boundaries along with warmth.
- To have reasonable limits that feel supportive, not controlling.
For example, you could say, ‘I have to know where you are and who you’re with so I know you’re safe,’ to help them understand your reasons for the boundaries.
It’s worth noting that setting boundaries will probably lead to some pushback; remind yourself that this is the way of the teen, and stay steady.
Everyday Connection
Your kid still needs you, but in a different way from when they were younger. The key is to stay connected in a relaxed, pressure-free way. Side-by-side activities are usually easier than face-to-face talks, which is why some of the best conversations happen in the car, while gaming, or fixing something together. If you can join them in their world, for example, instead of watching your favourite show, sit with them while they game, they’ll appreciate that you’re showing an interest in what they like.
It’s ok to get it wrong sometimes
In fact, some of the best conversations come from admitting and apologising for something that hasn’t gone so well. This teaches them the value of repair: apologising and trying again. It’s ok to make mistakes; saying or doing something you wish you hadn’t; it’s part of being close to people, and seeing how you handle this is valuable learning for your teen.
The key here, really, is to remember that parenting takes time. The more you keep remembering and repeating these small moments, the easier and more natural they will become. And the easier your relationship with your child will become. If you tend to show care through doing rather than talking, you’re probably offering more support than you realise. There will always be ups and downs, but if you keep going with patience and self-compassion, you will enjoy the ride.
Parenting a tween or teen can raise questions that don’t always have clear answers. If you want some support or guidance to help you stay steady, counselling can help. It offers space to reflect, understand what’s going on, and find practical ways forward. You can find out more HERE.