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One day, your child still wants you to read with them. A few months later, they're rolling their eyes, spending more time with friends, insisting they're 'fine' and reacting in ways you don't understand. It can feel like adolescence arrives overnight.

The years between childhood and adolescence (the ‘tween’ years, around 9 to 12 years old) bring all sorts of challenges that can seem to merge into one. They may be moving from being the 'big kids' at primary school to becoming the youngest pupils again at a much larger and potentially more impersonal secondary school. At the same time, puberty brings hormonal changes and rapid physical development, both of which can feel confusing and overwhelming. Adolescence is a time for young people to establish their individual identity, when they're more likely to spend time with and connect more strongly with their peer group than with their family.

So what's happening to your child developmentally? Although tweens and teens may physically look more grown-up, their ability to regulate emotions and make considered decisions is still developing. The limbic system (responsible for emotions, reward-seeking and sleep) changes before the area of the brain (the pre-frontal cortex), which deals with decision making, forward planning, organisation and impulse control. This means that until the prefrontal cortex catches up, teenagers’ desire to seek out short-term rewards and the social pressures from peers can make short-term rewards and peer influence feel much more compelling than careful, rational decision-making.

As their decision-making ability is still developing, tweens can be especially vulnerable, just as they are starting to look beyond their family. While adolescence brings new vulnerabilities, it is also a period of enormous opportunity. Positive relationships with caring adults remain one of the strongest protective factors for young people. Even when they appear to be pushing you away, your influence still matters.

If you're reading this and you're over 25, congratulations - you made it through adolescence! Your tween or teen may even be interested in hearing about your experiences growing up. But, like any of us, they're much less likely to listen if they feel judged or talked down to.

Make the effort to listen without judgment and to really hear what is being said. Jumping in with an immediate reaction can quickly shut down a meaningful conversation. Long lectures rarely have the impact we hope for. When emotions are running high, young people are far more likely to respond to calm, brief conversations than long explanations. A tween or teen who is upset or in crisis will not be able to absorb information unless it is delivered in a really concrete, specific way that they can follow.

Young people may express and exaggerate fleeting feelings, hating someone one day and being best friends with them the next. Empathise and remember that what they need first and foremost is a sounding board. If you blast the friend they had the fight with, you will be in the wrong when they are the best of friends again the next day.

Consistency is just as vital as open and loving communication. Clear, consistent boundaries help tweens and teens feel safe, even when they protest against them. Explaining expectations calmly and following through consistently is often far more effective than reacting in the heat of the moment. Be specific about expectations. For example: "If you choose to do X, the consequence will be Y." Knowing where they stand helps young people feel more secure, even if they don't show it.

Finally, don’t underestimate the importance of looking after your own well-being. Being a parent to an adolescent can be emotionally draining. It's easy to become so focused on supporting your child that your own needs slip down the list. Looking after yourself isn't selfish, it's one of the best ways to stay steady, connected and available for your child.

Parenting through the early years of adolescence can be particularly stressful. You don't have to do it all alone. Whether it's friends, family or professional support, having people you can lean on makes it easier to stay patient and connected with your child.

The years between childhood and adolescence are often overlooked. Yet this is one of the most significant periods of development, when young people are navigating changing friendships, puberty, increasing independence and the move to secondary school - all at the same time.

Supporting tweens isn't just the responsibility of parents. Schools, families, communities and wider society all have a role to play. While academic achievement is important, it's only one part of helping young people thrive. Confidence, emotional well-being and healthy relationships deserve just as much attention.

When we take into account the pressures today's tweens face, from social media and the digital world to the lasting effects of the pandemic, it's clear this stage of development deserves far more recognition than it often receives.

There is a real window of opportunity during these years. By paying closer attention to tweens now, we have the chance to build resilience, strengthen relationships and support healthier outcomes well into adulthood.

If you're finding the tween or early teenage years more challenging than you expected, you're not alone. Parenting doesn't come with a manual, and sometimes having someone alongside you can make all the difference. If you'd like support navigating this stage, I'd be happy to help. Get in touch to arrange an initial conversation and find out how we could work together.