Do you feel your teenager is always glued to their phone or other digital devices? Are you worried about the impact this is having on their mental health? The truth is that it's not all bad and that there are benefits to using digital devices. Young people have a strong need for social connections, which can be facilitated through their devices. However, your job is to help them realise that there needs to be a balance between screen time and real-life interactions.
So, how do you get them off their devices without starting a fight? And what is happening in their developing brains when it feels like they have their beautiful eyes stuck on a screen all day long?
New tech is coming in all the time - the average three to four-year-old spends three hours a day in front of a screen, increasing to six and a half hours by the time they are teenagers. In fact, our teens spend more time interacting with digital devices than they do in school!
This excessive screen time can negatively affect sleep, physical activity, and real-life social interactions.
Try to see it from their point of view
As their parent, you must see this from your kid's perspective. Friendships are very intense at this age, particularly so for girls. They feel they must be available 24/7 (and their friends also need to be available at all times for them). It can feel that not getting an immediate answer or response means that you don’t like or care about me. They can feel the need to be permanently on call.
So, they are not addicted to their phones; they are addicted to their friends. If you take away their phone, you’re taking away their access to their friends.
Social media
As parents, how do we keep up to date with social media where a new app appears before we've got to grips with the old one? At the end of the day, all the various social media apps are similar - they are about seeing and keeping up with what others are doing. Don’t get too hung up on which app.
Making mistakes is a vital part of adolescence, they need to know that you aren't trying to control them but want to work with them.
Red flags
Their need for social connection, alongside their tendency for risky behaviour, means there are certain areas where, as a parent, you need to hold a firm boundary.
Points to keep in mind when managing teenage screen time:
- bullying - it happens 24/7 and is relentless
- the impact on their sleep
- the access to porn and disturbing content
Make sure that you are always looking for ways to connect with them. Listen to them and show them that you value time with them. You can pick up on potential issues early on through cooperation, not control.
How to work with them
- Talk to them about what they’re using their phones and screens for.
- Let them know your worries and concerns around this - it's always best to be open and honest.
- Expect your teens to find you annoying as a parent - pulling away from you is a natural part of their move towards independence. Now is the time for you to reframe your family home as a place where they are valued, listened to, and connected.
- Expect some pushback, it is to be expected and is OK - see it as an ongoing conversation.
- Find out their school’s phone policy - you can use that to set boundaries around phone use at home.
- Set boundaries around phone use for the whole family - these boundaries are not just for your teen. This needs to be a household determination.
We all find it difficult to limit our screen time - phones are designed to keep us looking. You’ll never get to the end of Instagram!
Could it be you who is digitally distracted? We can all become mindless when on our phones. They are developed to take your attention but this impacts your sleep and connection to others just as it does our kids'.
There is a time and a place; when you’re with people you care about, your phone should not be there. At the dinner table, for example, or at the coffee shop. It’s rude to look at your phone, text or message when you’re with someone - this is something we can all get better at.
It’s great for them to see that this is also hard for you - it gives them the feeling that we’re in this together. Support and help them rather than judge and punish them.
Don’t let their phones or online time feel like their only access to support - that needs to come from you too. Again, collaborating, not control is where it’s at - you all need to work on this together. So, lead by example.
Safeguarding sleep
One of the best things you can do to safeguard your child's mental health is to guard their sleep and, to put it bluntly, this means no phones in the bedroom at bedtime. This can feel like an impossible dream, but it can be done.
We all need to recognise that we use our phones too much, impacting our sleep. This needs to be tackled together - it won't work to have one rule for you and another for them.
Expect a big pushback to not having phones in bedrooms, particularly from girls. This is because they feel a need to be available should their friends need them. They can be genuinely fearful that they might miss something important - this is more than FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
Management strategies
- Banning phones at bedtime does work but you need to work with them.
- Talk with them about the benefits - they will know how they feel when they don't get enough sleep, for example.
- Put all the family’s phones on to charge in one place overnight.
- Use an old-fashioned alarm clock rather than a phone alarm.
Being a parent or carer as your child hits their tween and teenage years can be challenging and overwhelming, leaving you feeling stressed, anxious and depressed. Speaking to a counsellor about your parenting struggles can help improve communication and strengthen relationships in and out of the family. If this has resonated with you, why not get in touch by clicking on the link HERE to see how I can help.