Any relationship can feel complicated in unique ways, and the one between mums and their daughters has an extra dimension. The media, films, and TV tend to oversimplify mother-daughter relationships as either very close or extremely tense. While it's true that mother-daughter relationships can be profoundly fulfilling, they have some distinct challenges. The dynamic between you will continue to change and shift as your daughter moves from childhood through adolescence into adulthood. It is shaped by biological, psychological, and social influences, but when you understand these, you and your daughter can build a stronger relationship that's based on empathy.
You and your daughter have a particular connection due to sharing the female biological and psychological experience, making the potential of this shared bond strong. This closeness can help you understand and empathise with each other's feelings and actions. However, it can also lead to high expectations and intense emotions, none of which make the relationship any easier!
Identity and independence
As your daughter grows up, she also develops her own unique identity. And to do this, she needs to start separating from you. This desire and need for independence can lead to conflict, especially when mums find it hard to loosen their grip or daughters feel too restricted.
Adolescence is the time when this conflict becomes particularly noticeable, where you find your daughter testing your every limit while you try to offer advice and support. Finding the right balance between independence and closeness is tricky and can lead to tension.
Communication styles
Differences in communication styles between you and your daughter can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. You may rely on certain forms of communication, while your daughter, especially in this digital age, may prefer different methods. It's important to listen and express feelings to bridge this gap actively.
Additionally, finding common ground in communication methods, such as setting aside time for face-to-face conversations, can help improve understanding and build a healthy relationship.
Be aware of your past issues
Unresolved issues from your past can resurface and affect your relationship with your daughter. Past hurts, unmet expectations or unspoken resentments can create barriers to closeness.
One way to address these issues is through counselling, which can provide a safe space to heal and move forward. Open and honest communication about these issues can help you understand each other's perspectives and work towards resolution.
Influence of fathers and other family members
The presence and behaviour of fathers and other family members can influence the dynamics of the mother-daughter relationship. A supportive family environment helps reduce conflict and provides extra support. On the other hand, if the family dynamic is strained, it can make tensions between mothers and daughters worse.
Adolescence and menopause: The perfect storm
Adolescence is a time of rapid physical, emotional, and psychological change for daughters, characterised by the quest for identity, increased independence, and often heightened emotional sensitivity. At the same time, mothers may be experiencing menopause, a significant life transition marked by hormonal changes, emotional fluctuations, and reflections on their own ageing and life course.
Mothers and daughters often experience these changes simultaneously (thanks, Mother Nature!), which can make your relationship even more complicated. When you and your daughter are dealing with significant internal and external changes, the emotional environment is going to be heightened.
If this is something you're experiencing, keep in mind:
- The hormonal fluctuations of menopause can impact mood and behaviour, just as they do adolescence. Understanding that you are both experiencing heightened emotional states helps maintain empathy and patience.
- When you and your daughter are both experiencing significant life changes, miscommunication is only to be expected. Open, honest dialogue is crucial to working through misunderstandings and supporting each other through these transitions.
- Recognising the challenges each other is facing can reframe a source of tension into an opportunity to support each other. Your daughters can gain insight into the ageing process, and you can better understand the pressures of growing up in today's world.
Do you find yourself struggling with your relationship with your teen or nearly teenage daughter? Being a parent to a child who's going through puberty just as you're navigating menopause is hard.
If this resonates with you, counselling can help improve your relationship with your adolescent child. Find out more about working with me HERE.