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Parenting a tween or teenager can sometimes leave you wondering whether you’re getting it right. Should you be firmer? Give them more freedom? Pick your battles or stand your ground?

There’s no single right way to parent, and even the most thoughtful parents have moments when they react in ways they later wish they hadn’t. Understanding your parenting style can be a useful starting point for recognising what works well in your family and where a few changes might help.

Psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three parenting styles in the 1960s: authoritative, authoritarian and permissive. A fourth style, uninvolved parenting, was added later. These styles describe different combinations of how responsive parents are to their children’s needs and how much structure, guidance and control they provide.

Most parents won’t fit neatly into one category. You might be patient and understanding in one situation but become stricter or give in when you’re tired or worried. You may also respond differently to different children, depending on their needs and personalities.

So, which of these parenting styles sounds most familiar to you?

Authoritative parents combine warmth and responsiveness with clear expectations and consistent boundaries. They listen to their children, explain their decisions and encourage them to develop independence, while recognising that parents still need to provide guidance.

For example, your teenager might want to stay out later than you’ve agreed. You listen to their reasons and discuss what feels reasonable, but you don’t automatically abandon your boundary because they’re unhappy with your decision.

This approach helps young people feel heard while teaching them that having their own opinions doesn’t mean they can always have their own way. It also gives them opportunities to develop problem-solving skills, take responsibility and learn from mistakes.

Research generally associates authoritative parenting with positive outcomes, including better emotional adjustment and social skills. This doesn’t mean that parents who use this approach never get things wrong, or that their children won’t experience difficulties. Rather, the combination of caring, guidance and age-appropriate independence provides a helpful foundation for development.

Authoritarian parents tend to place a strong emphasis on obedience, discipline and following rules. They may have high expectations but be less responsive to their child’s feelings or point of view. Parents often make decisions with little explanation or discussion.

For example, your teenager questions a rule about screen time, and you respond, “Because I said so. End of discussion.”

Sometimes a firm response is necessary, particularly when safety is involved. The difficulty arises when strictness leaves little room for listening, negotiation or developing independence.

Young people who experience consistently harsh or controlling parenting may be more likely to struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem or difficulties expressing their feelings. However, outcomes vary, and parenting style is only one of many influences on a child’s wellbeing.

As children move into adolescence, rules that once worked well may need to be reconsidered. Finding ways to explain boundaries and hear your teenager’s perspective doesn’t mean giving up your parental role. It can help you maintain that role while strengthening your relationship.

Permissive parents are often affectionate, accepting and keen to keep a positive relationship with their children. However, they may struggle to set limits, follow through on consequences or tolerate their child’s disappointment.

Perhaps your teenager repeatedly ignores an agreed time to come home. You feel frustrated, but when they promise it won’t happen again, you decide not to challenge it. You want to avoid another argument, so the same pattern continues.

There can be many reasons for this. You might dislike conflict, feel guilty about saying no, worry about damaging your relationship or simply feel too exhausted to keep negotiating.

The challenge is that young people need both understanding and guidance. Without clear, predictable boundaries, they may find it harder to develop self-regulation, manage frustration or understand expectations.

You can be a loving, approachable parent and still say no. In fact, calm and consistent limits can help young people feel more secure, even when they don’t like them.

Uninvolved parents tend to provide less emotional responsiveness, guidance and supervision than children need. This can range from being consistently distant or unavailable to being very uninvolved in a child’s everyday life.

There are many possible reasons for this, including significant stress, mental health difficulties, relationship problems or other pressures that leave a parent struggling to meet their child’s needs. Understanding these circumstances doesn’t mean overlooking the impact on a child, but it does remind us that parenting difficulties don’t always have simple explanations.

When children consistently receive little emotional connection or guidance, they may be more likely to experience difficulties with their emotional wellbeing, relationships and behaviour.

If you recognise aspects of this pattern in your family, it doesn’t mean that change is impossible. Small, consistent steps towards being more emotionally available, showing interest in your child’s life and establishing predictable routines can make a difference.

It’s perfectly possible to recognise yourself in several of these descriptions. Perhaps you’re usually warm and consistent, but when your teenager repeatedly ignores your requests, you lose your temper and become much stricter than you intended. Or perhaps you start by setting a clear boundary but gradually give in because you’re exhausted by the arguments.

Stress, worry, lack of sleep and competing demands can all affect how we respond. Your own upbringing may similarly influence what feels natural to you. If you grew up in a home where children were expected to obey without question, you might find it difficult to respond differently. Alternatively, if your childhood felt restrictive, you may be determined to give your own children more freedom.

Neither response makes you a bad parent. What matters is becoming aware of the patterns that develop and considering whether they’re helping you achieve what you want for your family.

It’s also worth remembering that your child is an individual. What works well for one teenager may not work as well for another. Some young people need more preparation, reassurance or structure, while others are ready for greater independence. Finding the right balance often means keeping flexible while keeping your core values and expectations clear.

If you’re parenting alongside someone else, you may find that you have different ideas about boundaries, discipline or independence. Perhaps one of you tends to respond quickly and firmly when a rule is broken, while the other prefers to let things go. One parent may worry that a teenager is being given too much freedom, while the other feels that the restrictions are unnecessary. These differences can become particularly difficult when you’re already dealing with challenging behaviour. You may disagree in front of your child, undermine each other’s decisions or feel that you’re the only one trying to maintain boundaries.

It helps to remember that you don’t have to agree on everything. However, discussing your expectations privately, listening to each other’s concerns and agreeing on a few key boundaries can help create more consistency.

If you’re parenting separately, communication and consistency may look different, but it’s still possible to work towards clearer expectations and less conflict where circumstances allow.

The aim isn’t to become a perfect parent or follow a set of rules. It’s about finding ways to respond that support your child’s growing independence while maintaining a positive relationship.

Here are four things you could try.

1. Pause before reacting

When your teenager challenges you, ignores a request or says something hurtful, it’s easy to react in the heat of the moment. If you can, take a breath before responding. You might say, “I’m getting frustrated, and I want us to talk about this properly. Let’s come back to it in a few minutes.”

Taking a pause gives you more choice about how you respond, rather than automatically falling into a familiar pattern.

2. Listen without immediately trying to fix things

Your teenager may have a different perspective from yours, and listening doesn’t mean you have to agree. Try to understand what’s important to them before explaining your own point of view.

You could say, “I can see why that’s frustrating for you. Can you help me understand what you’re finding difficult about this?”

Feeling heard can make it easier for young people to listen in return.

3. Keep boundaries clear, but allow room for independence

Think about which expectations are essential and where you could allow more choice. Safety might be non-negotiable, while other decisions can become opportunities for your teenager to practise making their own choices.

Explain your reasons where appropriate, agree on expectations together when possible, and follow through calmly and consistently.

4. Notice what is already working

When family life feels difficult, it’s easy to focus on everything that’s going wrong. Take a moment to notice when conversations go well, when your teenager takes responsibility or when you manage to stay calm in a difficult situation.

These moments matter. Recognising what works can help you build on it, rather than feeling that you need to change everything at once.

Parenting tweens and teenagers can bring up all sorts of feelings, from worry and frustration to guilt and self-doubt. You might love your child deeply but find that you’re arguing more than talking, struggling to agree on boundaries or feeling that you’ve lost the connection you once had.

Counselling for parents can help you make sense of what’s happening in your family, understand your responses and explore different ways to approach difficult situations. Together, we can look at what you want to change, what’s already working and what practical steps might help you move towards a calmer family life and a closer connection with your child.

You don’t need to wait until things feel unmanageable to seek help.

If you’d like to explore how counselling could help you navigate family life with your tween or teenager, get in touch to find out more.