Has your teen or nearly teenage child recently come out as trans or started to question their gender identity? You might be feeling a mix of surprise, worry, confusion or even relief if you’ve had a sense that something was going on. Whether you’ve wondered about this for a while or it’s come completely out of the blue, it’s normal to need some time to process what your child is telling you.
First, be proud of your kid (and yourself) that they felt safe to share this with you. They have shown that they trust you and can be honest with you. Let them know how glad and proud you are that they have come to you with this, and reassure them that they have done the right thing in telling you. Be clear that this will not in any way change how much you love them. There’s nothing wrong with being trans. What matters most is that your child feels safe, loved and accepted.
Be open and supportive, remembering that this is a process you will work through together over time. Coming out as LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and/or questioning) is daunting! You can't tell your teenager what their gender identity should be, but you can be there alongside them as they start to work this out for themselves. Listen to them and reassure them that you are 100% on their side.
What if I’m unsure how permanent this is?
Our identities grow and evolve over time, particularly in adolescence, so trust that your child will sort this out in their own time and in their own way.
Most important is how your teen is treated. Leave the door open on the conversation so they can come back, talk with you, and put your relationship with them front and centre. Gender identity is not a trend or a phase; trans young people deserve to be believed, even if things change or evolve later. So don't dismiss this as a phase; they have almost certainly thought long and hard about their gender identity. They need to know that you are listening and are taking on board what they are saying.
How do I protect them from a potentially harmful family or community response?
It’s completely normal to worry about how others might respond. Let your child know there is nothing wrong or shameful about being trans. Talk with them about how and when they might want to share their identity with others — and remind them you’re right by their side.
This current generation of young people and children is much more aware of and accepting of the trans and LGBTQ+ community than you might think. You could start a conversation by saying you're glad they are letting you know and asking them, "Have you thought about sharing this with your friends?"
You might want to check out their school's policies for trans students – do your homework! Learn about issues that impact the transgender community. Speak with the school (but only with your child's permission) about how they will ensure your child will be kept safe and not bullied. Let your kid know that you will always be there to support them.
Help them stay safe, both online and out and about. Make sure you know their rights and help them understand these, too. Remind them of the support and help that is available to them and help them access it if necessary. This may be counselling, mental health support and trans youth groups at school or in the community.
Follow your teen's lead on conversations about their gender identity and keep an open mind. Don't make assumptions. It’s natural to want to shield your child from harm. By becoming an informed, vocal ally, you can help make the world around them safer.
When they open up to you
When your tween or teen tells you what's happening in their life, they watch out for and gauge your reaction (more than you might think). If you feel like you weren't quite present with what they were saying or that this caught you off guard, let them know that, apologise and remind them that you still love them unconditionally. "Nothing is wrong here. I wasn't expecting to hear what you said, and I want you to know I am 100% supportive of you."
- Let them know how proud you are of them and that they made the right choice to tell you. Be really clear with them that this will not change how much you love them.
- Using their chosen name and pronouns is one of the most powerful ways to show your support. It might take time to get it right – what matters is that you're trying.
- Talking about and sharing how you're feeling is important, too. Feeling confused, sad or worried about your child is natural. Parents can also experience feelings of loss or uncertainty. It's valid to seek support for yourself; just be mindful not to burden your child with your emotions. Don't forget that you can talk about this with friends, other parents or carers and, of course, with a counsellor. Be aware of and respect your child's privacy and confidentiality.
If you're feeling overwhelmed or unsure, you're not alone. Parenting a trans child can bring up a lot, and you deserve support, too.
I work with parents of tweens and teens to help them feel more confident and connected. If your child has come out as trans and you're not sure what to do next, I offer supportive one-to-one sessions to help you navigate it all. Get in touch HERE.