We all know talking things through helps - it gives us space to process and reminds us that we're not alone. But what happens when your teenager goes quiet? When you know they're going through something, but getting more than two syllables feels like a win, how do you support them then?
When you see your child struggling, but they won't or can't let you know what is going on, how can you help? While this is not an uncommon experience for parents of teens and nearly teenagers (it's not just you!), it is still a challenge. And how do you manage your own emotions around this? You can feel frustrated and hurt when your child seems to have gone inward and shut you out.
Why Do Teens Go Quiet?
Whilst your child not opening up or speaking to you is upsetting for parents, it is not necessarily a sign that something has gone terribly wrong. It is part and parcel of the developmental changes of adolescence.
- The search for independence starts early in the tween years (ages 9 to 12). It's when you might first notice them pulling away or needing more privacy. It's part of growing up, and it includes a need for privacy that can feel like a stark change from your happy-go-lucky primary-age kid who shared anything and everything with you.
- Adolescents' brains are changing, and their prefrontal cortex is developing (the part of our brains that deals with decision-making, thinking and planning). This means that emotions are often in the driver's seat.
- Because your teenager's brain is a work in progress, they are more prone to emotional overwhelm and less likely to have the language or confidence to express complex feelings.
What about your feelings?
How about my emotional overwhelm and complex feelings? I hear you ask.
It's not personal (even if it feels that way)
Whilst it can feel very personal, it often isn't. Your teen's silence might leave you feeling rejected or shut out, but it doesn't always mean they're angry or don't like you anymore. It doesn't mean your relationship is over or that they'll always feel this way.
Often, when your teenager goes quiet, they're trying to make sense of what's happening. That kind of inner work takes time and space.
I also often hear from the young people I work with that they don't want to burden their parents. They sense the worry and want to protect you from it, so they keep quiet.
Common triggers for disconnection:
- Feeling judged or misunderstood.
- Repeating the same old arguments and high tension.
- Pressure to open up before they're ready.
How to Encourage More Connection
- Let them know you're available and there for them without pushing them to talk.
- Timing is everything! Pick a time when you can have a more casual conversation - in the car can work well for this, or during a walk. A direct 'we need to talk' isn't conducive to a chat.
- Listen more than you speak. Hold back, at least initially, on offering advice or solutions so there's room for them to talk.
- Use questions that open up the conversation. For example: 'I've noticed you've been quiet - is everything OK?' Asking closed questions shuts things down: "Why are you always in a mood?".
- Don't underestimate the power of validating their feelings, even when you don't fully understand them.
When to Worry (and What to Do)
Trust your instincts - they will tell you if a situation is 'off' or of concern. Look out for changes or behaviours that go beyond the typical emotional wobbles associated with adolescence. For example, if you notice sudden changes in your child's mood, withdrawal from friends or struggling to engage with school, don't feel like you have to handle this alone; reach out for support from family, friends or your child's school. Counselling can also be an excellent resource for parents and carers.
It's important to recognise that all relationships experience highs and lows, including the one you have with your child. Even when you feel like your relationship has lost its way, you can rebuild communication with your teen through patience, warmth and consistency. Though it might not look like it, even when your teen isn't talking to you, they are still listening and noticing.
Struggling to reconnect with your tween or teen? You're not alone, and you don't have to figure it all out by yourself.
Even a single counselling session can help you understand what's going on beneath the silence and give you practical tools to support your child and yourself.
If you'd like to explore how I can support you, you're very welcome to get in touch here.