Thinking about starting therapy but not quite sure what to expect?
Even though counselling and therapy are much more widely talked about than they used to be, there are still plenty of misconceptions about what actually happens in the therapy room. Some come from films and television, some from things we've heard from other people, and others from understandable worries about talking openly with someone we don't know.
You might be wondering whether you need to be in crisis, whether a therapist will tell you what to do, or whether you'll have to spend months talking about your childhood.
The reality is often quite different.
Here are some common therapy myths – and what you can actually expect from counselling.
Myth 1: You have to be in crisis before starting therapy
The reality: You don't have to wait until things feel unbearable.
A phrase I hear quite often is, “Other people have it much worse than me.”
But therapy isn't a competition.
You don't need to reach breaking point before asking for support. If something is affecting your wellbeing, relationships or day-to-day life, it can be worth talking about.
People come to therapy for all sorts of reasons. You might feel overwhelmed, stuck or disconnected. You might be struggling with a particular situation, or simply have a sense that something isn't quite right.
Counselling can also be preventative. Talking things through when you first notice that life feels more difficult can sometimes help you understand what's happening before it becomes overwhelming.
Myth 2: A therapist will tell me what to do
The reality: Therapy is a collaborative process, not a list of instructions.
You might imagine sitting opposite a therapist who tells you exactly what you should do next.
That's not how therapy works for many people.
Your therapist isn't the expert on your life – you are. Their role is to help you explore what's happening, notice patterns, consider different perspectives and think about what might work for you.
Rather than being told what decision to make, therapy can give you the space to work out what feels right for you.
Myth 3: I'll have to talk about my childhood
The reality: You can talk about whatever feels relevant to you.
The idea of having to lie on a couch discussing your childhood is one of those long-standing therapy stereotypes!
Exploring your past can be helpful, particularly if earlier experiences are connected to what's happening now. But therapy doesn't have to involve going over every detail of your childhood.
Sometimes the focus is very much on the present.
For parents, for example, it can be useful to think about how you were parented and whether that influences how you respond to your own children. Understanding where a particular reaction comes from can make it easier to decide whether you want to respond differently.
The important thing is that your therapy should be relevant to you and what you want help with now.
Myth 4: I'll have to cry
The reality: There is no “right” way to respond emotionally in therapy.
Some people cry. Some laugh. Some talk constantly. Others find it difficult to put their feelings into words.
You might analyse everything rather than talk about your emotions. You might become emotional unexpectedly. Or you might get through an entire session without shedding a single tear.
All of these responses are completely okay.
There isn't a correct emotional response to therapy, and you don't need to perform your feelings in a particular way. Your therapist will have encountered a whole range of reactions before.
Myth 5: If I already understand my problem, I don't need therapy
The reality: Understanding something doesn't always make it easier to change.
You might already know exactly why you react in a particular way. You might understand where a pattern comes from or recognise that a relationship isn't working for you.
But insight and change aren't necessarily the same thing.
If simply understanding ourselves was enough to change our behaviour, we'd probably all find change considerably easier!
Therapy can help you move beyond “I know why I do this” towards exploring what you want to do differently – and what might get in the way.
Myth 6: Therapists don't have problems themselves
The reality: Therapists are human too.
Therapists experience stress, difficult emotions, relationship challenges and all the other ups and downs that come with being human.
What makes the therapeutic relationship different is the professional framework around it. Therapists have training and supervision, and are expected to reflect on their own experiences and maintain appropriate boundaries.
Being a therapist doesn't make someone immune to life's challenges. It does mean having professional support and a responsibility to keep developing self-awareness and good practice.
Myth 7: Talking about things won't actually change anything
The reality: Talking can be surprisingly powerful.
There can be a big difference between having thoughts going round in your head and saying them out loud to another person.
Putting something into words can help you organise your thoughts, notice patterns and see a situation from a different perspective. Sometimes you don't realise what you're really thinking until you hear yourself say it.
And therapy isn't simply about talking.
The relationship you develop with your therapist can itself be an important part of the process. Having a space where you can speak honestly, without having to look after someone else's feelings or worry about being judged, can be a very different experience from talking to friends or family.
Myth 8: Needing therapy means there's something wrong with me
The reality: Asking for support isn't a sign that you're broken.
We don't generally question someone who sees a physiotherapist when they're struggling with their back, or works with a personal trainer because they want to improve their physical health.
Yet people can still feel that seeking support for their mental health means they should have been able to cope on their own.
People come to counselling for many different reasons. They might want help navigating a difficult period, understand themselves better, improve their relationships or simply have somewhere to think things through.
Seeking support can be a sign of self-awareness, not failure.
Myth 9: There is one “right” type of therapy
The reality: Different approaches and therapists suit different people.
There isn't one type of therapy that works for everyone.
Different therapeutic approaches can be helpful in different circumstances, and many counsellors work integratively, drawing on more than one approach depending on what their client needs.
Just as importantly, the therapist themselves needs to feel like a good fit for you.
Some therapists are more structured and practical. Others are more conversational or reflective. Some will focus heavily on the present, while others may spend more time exploring how your past experiences influence your life today.
If you're looking for a counsellor, it can be useful to ask how they work and whether they have experience with the things you'd like support with.
And when you have your first session, notice how you feel. Do you feel comfortable enough to be honest? Do you feel listened to and understood? You don't have to choose a therapist simply because they are the first person you speak to.
So, what is therapy really like?
Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that therapy is about someone fixing you.
It isn't.
Therapy can provide a space to slow down, make sense of what's happening, understand yourself more clearly and explore what you want to do next.
You don't have to be in crisis. You don't have to know exactly what's wrong. You don't have to have all the answers – and you certainly don't have to cry!
If you're wondering whether counselling could help, sometimes the best way to find out is to have a conversation with a therapist and see how it feels.
You don't have to wait until things become unbearable before asking for support.