Author: jenny.warwick27@gmail.com

Life is full of ups and downs, and the teenage years are no exception. Adolescents face many challenges, from physical changes to academic pressures, social dynamics, and emerging identities. For instance, they might be stressed about upcoming exams or fitting in with their peers. While these experiences can be exhilarating, they can also be daunting for teens and their parents and carers. So, while stress is to be expected during this period, it can significantly impact their well-being if it is ongoing or chronic. Knowing how to spot stress in your teen is important as a parent or carer. So, what are some signs of stress in teens?

Signs of stress in teens

By being aware of these signs, you can intervene early and help your child manage their stress effectively. Some common signs include irritability, moodiness, withdrawal from activities they once enjoyed, difficulty concentrating, changes in sleeping patterns, headaches, and stomach aches. If your teenager is under stress, it could affect their academic performance. They may begin to procrastinate, become perfectionists, or develop a fear of failure.

It can be challenging to distinguish between typical teenage behaviour and signs of a more serious problem. If your child is having more conflicts with friends or avoiding social activities they usually enjoy, it could be a sign that they are struggling. They may be more sensitive to criticism or rejection and have sudden mood swings or emotional outbursts. Although these behaviours are common among teenagers, it’s essential to trust your instincts as a parent to determine if they are struggling more than usual. Remember that you know your child better than anyone. 

Normalising stress

Adolescence is a stressful time! It’s hard work being a teenager, and experiencing stress is a natural part of growing up and experiencing life’s challenges. Validate your teen’s feelings and reassure them that it’s okay to seek help when needed.

Seeing stress as a positive

Stress is a natural part of life and can even be beneficial if managed correctly. For example, students may find it stressful to cope with a lot of work before exams, but they can manage this by developing study strategies that work for them, seeking help from teachers or tutors, and taking care of themselves by practising mindfulness or exercising. This not only helps them perform better academically but also teaches them valuable life skills such as time management and self-care. They learn to understand their strengths and abilities, which they can use to overcome future challenges, encouraging resilience and adaptability.

Teenagers often experience stress and emotional turmoil due to conflicts with their peers or social rejection. By working through these situations, they can learn to understand other people’s perspectives, practice empathy and communication skills and build stronger relationships. They also learn to have open dialogues, actively listen, and resolve conflicts.

Strategies for parents and carers

If you notice any signs that your child might be stressed, it’s crucial to initiate a conversation about their feelings. Adolescents may find it challenging to articulate their emotions, so if they do open up, it’s essential to listen to them and try to understand their perspective. You might be tempted to intervene and solve their problems, but this may not align with what they want or need. Sometimes, all they need is a supportive ear and a shoulder to lean on.

When supporting your teenager, it’s vital to strike a balance between giving them independence and being there for them. This stage is about allowing them to make decisions, learn from their experiences, and develop their problem-solving skills. They don’t need you to fix every issue they face, but they do need your guidance when they ask for it. You can ask your teenager if they want you to listen or help them work out their next steps. Let them know you trust them and are there for them if they need you.

Here are some practical ways you can help your kid manage their stress:

• Sleep – Encourage your teen to limit their tech use before bedtime and keep digital devices out of the bedroom.
• Physical activity – Exercise is good for their mental and physical health and can be a great way to relieve stress.
• Hobbies and interests – Doing the things they enjoy can be a great way to relieve stress.
• Spending time outdoors – Encourage your teen to spend time outside and breathe in some fresh air.

It’s important to lead by example. When you practice these habits, you not only set a good example but also help your teenager understand the importance of self-care and compassion. These strategies have been proven to be effective in managing stress, so by encouraging your teen to adopt them, you’re giving them a valuable tool for life.

Identifying when stress becomes an issue

If you have concerns about your child’s stress levels or mental health, it’s crucial to reach out for professional support. While you can check in with your child’s school to see how they are doing there, it’s always best to talk to your child about this first rather than going behind their back. They might benefit from talking through their feelings with a counsellor, but checking with your teen first is essential. They might be hesitant at first, but you can mention it as an option for them and see if they decide that it is something they would like to explore. Remember, there’s no shame in seeking help when needed, and it can make a significant difference in your child’s well-being.

Remember that working collaboratively with your teen to help them manage their stress effectively helps them and provides an opportunity for growth and connection.  

Counselling for parents can help you find ways to best support your teenager. I work with parents to help them understand and manage their feelings and their children’s and develop coping strategies. If you want to find out more, you can contact me by clicking HERE.

Dealing with separation or divorce can be emotionally challenging, especially when it comes to considering the impact it has on your nearly teenage child or teen. This is a time of change and intense emotions for everyone involved, and helping teenagers through this process can be extremely challenging. However, it is crucial for their well-being that you offer them the support they need during this difficult time. To help you with this, here are some strategies that you can consider:

Communication

It’s important to have open and honest conversations with your teenager about the separation or divorce, even though it may feel overwhelming. Instead of having just one conversation, think of them as ongoing talks as your teen starts to process and understand what’s going on. During this time, it’s important that your teen feels heard and understood, so give them the opportunity to express how they’re feeling. By actively listening to what they say, you can work together to identify what they need to feel safe and reassured that things will work out in time.

Reassurance 

Teenagers often experience strong emotions when their parents separate or divorce. They may feel angry, sad, and confused. As a parent, it is important to support and listen to their feelings without trying to jump in and fix how they’re feeling. By acknowledging their emotions and showing understanding, you can help them feel more confident and resilient. Encourage them to talk openly and create a safe space for them to express themselves without worrying about being judged.

Stability and routine

It’s important to keep in mind that your adolescent child may have practical concerns during a family separation. They may be worried about where they will live, whether they have to move away from their friends and school, and how they will adjust to living in two homes. 

To maintain stability and security during this change, keep to the same routine and activities as much as possible. This includes continuing to live in the same house or area, going to the same school, and keeping up with everyday activities. 

Even if you and your teenager are not living together full-time, staying connected and involved in each other’s lives is crucial. You can maintain a healthy relationship by doing the same things you’ve always done together, such as playing sports, cooking, watching movies, or shopping.

Avoiding conflict

Make it a priority to minimise conflict in front of your kids. Witnessing arguments or tension between parents can be distressing for teens and may exacerbate their emotional distress. Exposure to hostility and constant conflict isn’t good for anyone’s well-being. Avoid discussing difficulties related to the separation or negative comments about the other parent in front of your child. If you need to vent, talk to a friend, family member or someone you feel comfortable with when your child is not around.

Co-parenting

Work with your ex so you both prioritise your child’s well-being. Keep your communication with your ex respectful and focus on making joint decisions regarding your teenager’s upbringing.

Support

It can be tough for adolescents to express when they’re having a hard time, but there are signs that they may be struggling with a transition. Look out for increased anger, unwillingness to cooperate, spending more time alone, sleep or eating problems, lack of interest in usual activities, friendship issues, or risky behaviour.

It can be challenging to determine if your teenager’s behaviour is due to the usual ups and downs of adolescence or if it’s a sign of difficulty with the separation. Trust your instincts and don’t jump to conclusions about what’s causing the behaviour. If you’re concerned about your teen’s well-being, seek professional help.

Let your child’s school know about the separation or divorce so their teachers are aware. They can look for changes in your teen’s behaviour that indicate they might be struggling and suggest support options.

Despite the challenges of separation or divorce, you will get through this with time, find a new normal for your family, and even thrive. One of the remarkable strengths of teenagers is their innate ability to adapt to new circumstances. With your love and support, your teen can emerge more robust and resilient from the separation or divorce.

You need to pay attention to your physical and emotional well-being during this stressful time. Reach out to friends for support, look for a support group for parents going through a divorce, and speak with a counsellor about your feelings. By doing so, you’ll be better positioned to support your child while caring for yourself.

Being a parent or carer of teenagers has specific challenges. Please don’t feel that you have to do it on your own. As a counsellor specialising in working with parents of tweens and teens, I help parents like you find ways of strengthening their relationship with their adolescent child.

If this resonates with you, why not contact me today to schedule a session?

It’s not uncommon for parents and carers to experience apprehension regarding their teenagers’ apparent lack of enthusiasm towards schoolwork during their adolescent years. The transition from childhood to adulthood is challenging, and teens are often preoccupied with social arrangements and other distractions. There are effective strategies you can use to encourage your teenager to take their education seriously. These practical approaches can promote a sense of responsibility and motivation in teenagers, leading to academic success and a brighter future.

Understanding typical teen mindsets

It is common for teenagers to need help prioritising their studies. There may be various reasons for this, such as social expectations, lack of motivation, or difficulty comprehending the significance of education. Alternatively, they may have more pressing concerns, such as fitting in with their peers or worrying about how to get someone to like them.

It’s important to remember that your anxieties and priorities may be different from those of your child. You almost certainly have had a different school experience than your teenager has now. Perhaps you excelled academically, but your child may be struggling. While school and learning are important, there is more to life than getting good grades.

It’s essential to remember that your teen is their own person, and they are still figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world. 

Teenagers tend to prioritise the present over the future. They are not very good at weighing short-term pain against long-term gain. As a result, when discussing career prospects and the benefits of investing in education, they may respond with eye rolls.

However, academic success is important for your teen’s future. So, how can you motivate them to take their education seriously (enough)?

Talk to them

Maintaining open communication with your teenager is crucial to help them overcome academic challenges. Encourage them to share their concerns and issues related to school with you by initiating a conversation. For instance, you can ask them if there is anything specific they would like to talk about, such as, “Hey, I noticed you seemed a bit stressed about school lately. Is there anything on your mind that you want to talk about?” You can also share your own experiences and offer your support. For example, “I remember when I was your age, I sometimes found school tricky. I’m here to support you if you need help or want to talk. How are things going with your classes and assignments?” Create a supportive and non-judgmental atmosphere to make them feel comfortable about opening up to you. Although it may be challenging, avoid criticising their thoughts and opinions, as this will help you find solutions to any problems they may face. Remember, providing your support and understanding will go a long way in motivating them to take their education seriously.

• Set clear expectations: Establish clear guidelines and expectations regarding academic performance, attendance, and involvement in school activities. Consistency is key in reinforcing these expectations.
• Encourage goal setting: Help teens set realistic short-term and long-term goals related to their academic achievements. Breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks can make them feel more attainable.
• Provide resources and support: Offer tutoring, study groups, or educational apps to support your teen’s learning process. Be actively involved with them in finding solutions to any academic challenges they may face.

It’s important to encourage your teenagers to take responsibility for their education by allowing them to make decisions and learn from their mistakes. Remember that schools are designed to provide learning resources and set boundaries and consequences. It’s best to let these take place and take a step back whenever possible.

• Lead by example: Be a positive role model by demonstrating a solid work ethic and a commitment to lifelong learning. Show them your commitment to learning by taking courses yourself or engaging in educational discussions with your teen.
• Encourage them: Help them to develop effective time management and study skills.
• Celebrate their wins: Acknowledge your teen’s academic accomplishments, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement boosts their confidence and motivation to take school seriously.

If you notice your teenager persistently struggling or showing signs of academic disengagement, you should speak with their school. If possible, talk with your teen first, letting them know you’re getting support for them—don’t go behind their back. Professional support can help identify underlying issues and provide tailored interventions. 

Do try to avoid getting too fixated on your teen’s academics. Young people face so much pressure from different directions, so choosing this battle may not be worth it. 

If you’re worried about the well-being of your teenage or nearly teenage child, counselling can help. I specialise in assisting parents and carers dealing with adolescent issues and providing ongoing counselling support to work on these issues together. If you have a specific problem that you want to talk through, I also offer one-off parenting consultations that focus on finding solutions. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you need further guidance or support.

Teenagers with ADHD face unique challenges both at school and at home. Here are some strategies parents and caregivers can use to assist them.

Understanding neurodiversity

Neurodiversity is a term used to describe the different ways in which people’s brains function. There is no single “correct” way for the brain to operate, and neurodiversity recognises that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to the human mind. Instead, people perceive and respond to the world in various ways, and these differences should be accepted and encouraged.

Neurodivergence is a natural part of the human experience, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is just one example of the many variations of the human brain.

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition. The symptoms, behaviours and traits associated with it are caused by the brain developing differently during the key stages of development before birth or during early childhood. Rather than seeing ADHD as a deficit, it should be recognised as a unique way of processing the world.

Every neurodivergent individual, including those with ADHD, brings specific strengths and valuable contributions. Rather than focusing solely on challenges, it’s essential to highlight the positive aspects. For example, individuals with ADHD might demonstrate heightened creativity, exceptional problem-solving skills, or intense focus in areas of passion.

What is executive functioning?

Executive functioning refers to the cognitive skills that help us manage our daily lives smoothly. Think of it as your brain’s mental CEO, responsible for organising, planning, and prioritising tasks. This skill set develops during adolescence, and all teenagers require some support in this area.

For your teenager with ADHD, these skills might need some extra support, making it necessary for you to explore strategies together with your teen to navigate these everyday challenges. Your ADHD teen may find it challenging to control their concentration, activity levels, and impulses, which can make it harder for them to perform these tasks.

How can you help your ADHD teen?

It’s important to recognise that ADHD affects each individual differently, so any interventions must be customised to suit your teen’s specific needs. Additionally, individuals with ADHD may also experience symptoms of other neurodevelopmental conditions like autism, dyslexia, and dyspraxia. Hence, it is essential to consider these when deciding what would be most beneficial for your child.

Strengths-based approach

When raising a teen with ADHD, it is important to focus on their unique strengths and talents. Instead of resorting to nagging (which can lead to frustration), create a positive environment by consistently reinforcing positive behaviour. Celebrate their achievements, no matter how small, and encourage their interests and hobbies. This boosts their self-esteem and builds a foundation for them to build on their strengths.

Developing coping strategies

Provide practical tips and coping mechanisms to help your teen navigate daily challenges. This can include time management techniques and organisational skills to help anticipate potentially challenging situations. Providing a toolbox of strategies empowers your teen to manage their responsibilities proactively and boosts their confidence in handling various aspects of daily life.

Encourage self-advocacy

To help your teenager become more independent and confident, it’s important to guide them in effectively expressing their needs and preferences. This process not only builds their independence but also nurtures self-confidence. Encourage open communication and help them articulate what works best for them at home and in other aspects of their life.

Create a supportive environment

Creating a stable and supportive home environment is crucial for your teenager’s well-being. This involves setting clear expectations, implementing routines, offering positive reinforcement, and creating a space where your teenager feels safe and valued. 

Take a collaborative approach

It’s essential to take a collaborative approach when helping your teenager. Work with your teen to identify strategies that work best for them and their unique strengths. You can also work as a team with your teenager’s school to develop the best solutions and strategies for their success. Your teen must be central to and actively involved in this process so they feel empowered to work out their own way of being.

Many aspects of society are based on the assumption that one type of human mind exists. Systems such as education, employment, health, and social services have been designed to cater to neurotypical individuals. However, it is fair and beneficial for everyone to create an inclusive and accessible society for neurodivergent people.

Each individual’s neurological makeup brings a unique blend of perspectives, skills, and talents, and we can create a more vibrant and enriched society by recognising and appreciating this diversity. The world is a better place because of neurodivergent individuals.

Are you ready to find a deeper understanding of how to help your ADHD child? Counselling can help. Look for a therapist who affirms neurodivergent individuals. As a counsellor who supports and affirms neurodivergent individuals, I can assist you in discovering the best ways to support your teenager with ADHD. If you would like to learn more, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Beginning therapy takes courage but is key for your personal growth and well-being. However, what should you do when you decide to conclude your therapy? The decision to end therapy can be difficult and bring up all sorts of emotions, and requires careful consideration. It is a subject that can feel uncertain and elicit mixed emotions.

As a counsellor, I understand that therapy is a powerful tool, and deciding to end it is a significant and personal decision. It is essential to recognise that every therapeutic journey is unique. So, if you are considering ending therapy, what needs to be considered? How do you go about making this decision, and what are some steps you can take?

Understanding the decision

It’s essential to understand why you want to finish up your counselling. Whatever your reason, it’s valid and crucial to your unique journey.

This reason may vary from person to person. You may have achieved the goals set at the beginning of therapy; your life feels stable, and you no longer need the same support. Alternatively, financial considerations or time constraints might be at play. It could also be that you feel the therapeutic approach or style of the current therapist doesn’t match your preferences or needs. All of these are valid and unique to you. 

Communication

Effective communication is critical to building a solid therapeutic relationship with your therapist. It might feel daunting, but it’s so important to be open with your therapist about how you’re feeling and your reasons for wanting to end your therapy sessions. Doing so can help your therapist better understand your needs and work together towards achieving your goals.

Exploring alternatives

You should explore alternatives before making a final decision. This might mean spacing sessions further apart to allow more time for self-reflection or increasing the frequency of your sessions temporarily to briefly receive additional support during challenging times.

Sometimes, a change in therapeutic approach can offer a fresh perspective. There are many counselling modalities, such as person-centred, solution-focused, CBT, etc. Exploring alternatives can help you find an approach that fits your needs as they change. 

You can discuss these alternatives with your therapist and work collaboratively to find the best approach for your situation.

Ending therapy doesn’t equate to failure; it’s a natural step towards personal growth. 

What can you do to set post-therapy expectations?

Closure and reflection

Think about your therapy progress, specific milestones you hit, insights gained, and personal growth. Acknowledging and celebrating these accomplishments can create a sense of closure and achievement. Discuss your reflections and feelings about ending therapy with your therapist. Doing so can enrich the closure process and help you and your therapist gain a shared understanding.

Feedback

As a therapist, I find it helpful to receive feedback from my clients regarding their experience with the therapeutic process. It allows me to understand what worked well and what they’ve learned. Constructive feedback can be valuable for both parties and is an invaluable tool for improving the therapeutic process.

Future steps

If you’ve decided that you do want to continue therapy but want to switch to a new therapist, it’s helpful to think about what you found useful and what was less valuable during your past counselling sessions. This can help you identify what to look for in your new therapist. 

Self-care

It’s essential to take good care of yourself during and after your decision to end therapy. Ensure you maintain the positive habits and coping mechanisms you’ve developed during your sessions. 

Follow-up support

Remember that seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Whether you stay with the same counsellor or explore new avenues, choosing a support system that understands and respects your evolving needs is essential. 

As you consider ending your current therapeutic journey, keep in mind that your decision to end counselling is a significant personal accomplishment. It signifies progress and self-reflection and is something to be proud of. If you decide to resume your journey or seek support elsewhere in the future, know that the door is always open. 

If you want to learn more about me, check out my profile. It contains information on how to work together and how to get in touch.

As your child hits their tween years, it can feel quite overwhelming. With all the ups and downs, laughter and eye rolls, have you ever considered how this journey impacts you as the parent or caregiver?

It’s important to give yourself some credit. After all, you are the superhero behind the scenes, ensuring homework is done, and the fridge is stocked with snacks. But being a parent is about more than just navigating the teen landscape. It’s also about embracing your own journey of growth and self-discovery alongside your child.

Finding yourself again 

Shifting roles

The dynamics between you and your teen change during adolescence, meaning you must adapt your role as they seek more independence. Think of yourself more as a guide than a caretaker.

Emotional rollercoaster

As children enter their teenage years, their bodies undergo changes which can impact their sense of self. As a parent or guardian, it can be exhausting to be constantly affected by their mood swings. It can be challenging to maintain a clear perspective when you’re being hit with a wave of emotion from your teenager. And to make things worse, they may brush it off and tell you to ‘chill out’. The constant conflicts and growing pains can affect your emotional well-being.

Letting go

Letting go of control can be tricky, but you must let your teenager make their own decisions. Still, this process can profoundly affect your identity as you balance guidance and autonomy. The parents I work with often express the challenges of this balance, as it’s constantly changing and evolving in a non-linear fashion as your teen ages. It’s not just you feeling this way; many parents feel the same way, and it’s OK to experience these struggles.

Communication challenges

It can feel like you are conversing with an (often more than one) entirely different entity from the primary-age kid you used to have. Communication barriers frequently arise during adolescence, and finding new ways to connect with your teenager can be a journey of self-discovery for parents. 

Help create an environment where your teen feels heard and understood with:

Active listening:

• Practice active listening by giving your full attention when your teen is talking. Put away distractions like phones or other devices.
• Reflect back on what you’ve heard to ensure you understand correctly. This not only demonstrates attentiveness but also clarifies any potential misunderstandings.

Open-ended questions:

• Instead of asking closed questions that prompt simple “yes” or “no” answers, try asking open-ended questions to encourage your teen to share more about their thoughts and feelings.
• For example, instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” you might ask, “What was the best part of your day?” This invites a more detailed and meaningful response.
• You could even turn it into a fun game by asking ice-breaker questions like “If you could have one superpower, what would it be?” or “Would you rather be able to talk to animals or read people’s minds?” – I’ve worked with a lot of young people in my time. You should never underestimate the power of an ice-breaker!

Finding common ground:

• Identify shared interests or activities they are passionate about, whether a hobby, sport, or TV show. 
• Be open to their interests, even if they differ from your own. Showing genuine curiosity about their world can help you build better communication and understanding. 

Remember that building better communication is a gradual process that requires patience.

Parental peer pressure

Parents and carers face immense societal pressures during their child’s adolescence. Teens may remind you of how you measure up as parents, but it’s essential to focus on your child’s well-being rather than external perceptions. Don’t compare yourself to others; set boundaries around your parenting choices without conforming to societal expectations.

What helps?

Self-care

You must look after yourself – prioritise your well-being and mental health. Only when you are healthy and happy can you be there for those who need you. Let me explain it with an analogy. When you are on a plane, the flight attendant instructs us to put on our oxygen masks first before assisting others. This is because we won’t be able to help anyone if we run out of oxygen ourselves. So, always remember that taking care of yourself is crucial and should be your top priority.

Rediscovering personal passions

Rediscover your interests and hobbies; what did you like doing as a kid? Have you considered joining an art class or taking up tap dancing? Now is the time. Maintaining a sense of who you are is vital as your children become self-sufficient. 

Support systems

It’s important to have a support system in place. Reach out to your friends and family for help and connection. Our social circles play a big role in shaping our identity, and it’s vital to have people to turn to when we need support.

If you’re struggling with a sense of loss or confusion about your identity outside of being a parent, counselling can be a valuable resource. Don’t feel like you have to figure it out alone – I specialise in adolescent issues and am here to help. Get in touch to learn more about how we can work together.

As parents and carers, we all want the best outcomes for our children, including their happiness, health and resilience. However, raising teenagers and preteens is both an art and a science. Here are six practical tips and suggestions that can help you influence your child’s happiness and wellbeing and raise them to be happy and resilient individuals.

1. Be happy yourself – prioritise your self-care

This is my number one tip for a reason! How can you expect your tween and teenage children to value themselves if you don’t love yourself? Your children are watching and learning from you – more than you might realise. When you model the importance of caring for your wellbeing, it teaches your children the value of balance, self-compassion and looking after themselves.

2. Encourage effort over being perfect

Perfectionism comes at a cost. A fear of failure can be paralysing, stopping your kids from taking risks or trying new things. When we mess up, we learn how to do better next time. Letting your kids make mistakes and get stuff wrong is crucial to their development. Feeling constant pressure to be perfect makes them more likely to avoid taking on a challenge. Perfectionism also takes a toll on mental wellbeing, leading to increased levels of stress, anxiety and depression and setting a path to burnout and feeling inadequate. Focus on the process and effort they put in rather than outcomes. They are much more likely to take on challenges, mess up, get up and try again. 

Let’s say your tween is struggling with maths at school. Instead of aiming for perfect marks, focus on consistent effort, asking for help when needed, and seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn and improve. Over time, their maths skills improve, and they develop a strong work ethic, resilience, and problem-solving abilities. 

Another example is a shy teen who finds starting conversations or making new friends challenging. They can adjust their approach and improve their social skills by consciously stepping out of their comfort zone (just a little) and learning from awkward moments. Through this process, they form new connections and develop self-confidence, empathy, and increased self-esteem.

3. Show them the importance of empathy and boundaries

Demonstrate the importance of empathy – the ability to take on another’s perspective, feelings or experiences. One of the best ways to model empathy is by actively listening – focusing on what is being said to genuinely understand and connect with others. Help them work out small, specific, thoughtful acts they can do, such as holding the door open for someone or helping a classmate with their books. This encourages kindness and allows them to look for ways to impact their community positively.

Help them with boundaries; these are vital for positive relationships. For example, early adolescents need specific help with digital boundaries. Guide your tweens and teens on the importance of privacy and responsible social media use. Teach them about the potential consequences of sharing personal information online and respecting others’ privacy. 

4. Spend quality time together

Quality rather than quantity is essential here. Check-in on your teen’s day and listen when they tell you. You could schedule regular activities (based on their preference), such as playing a sport or game, walking, or watching something together (even if it’s something you’re not particularly interested in – they will love you being there). 

Establish specific times for device-free activities, such as family meals or before bedtime, to promote better sleep and overall wellbeing. Designate specific areas or times in the house as tech-free zones to encourage face-to-face interaction and family bonding. For example, the dinner table or family game nights can be designated when everyone puts away their devices

5. Encourage independence

Give them the tools to make decisions and learn from their experiences. This also helps build resilience – the ability to get back up after setbacks. 

School subject selection is an example of letting your child decide for themselves. They may need help deciding whether to take on a more challenging course that lines up with their passion or a subject that might be less demanding.

• Discuss each choice’s long-term benefits and challenges, given their future goals and ambitions.
• Help them research the potential impact of each choice on future academic and career opportunities.
• Suggest they speak with teachers, guidance counsellors, or mentors for additional perspectives.
• Reinforce that both choices have advantages and disadvantages and that the decision should match their personal growth and learning style

6. Help them choose healthy lifestyle habits

They are growing fast and need good nutrition, exercise, and sufficient sleep for their overall wellbeing. Sleep is vital at this age, but it can sometimes feel like you are raising a vampire who shuns daylight. 

• Encourage your teen to go to bed and wake up simultaneously every day, even on weekends. Consistency helps regulate our body clock, making it easier to fall asleep and wake up naturally.
• Help your teen find their own calming routine before bedtime. This could include reading, a warm bath or shower, or relaxation exercises. Avoid stimulating activities, like using electronic devices, at least an hour before bedtime.
• Talking of electronic devices – help them manage their screen time – this is not something teens or tweens are good at! Encourage balance between screen time and other activities, establishing a “screen curfew” at least an hour before bedtime.
• Make sure their bedroom is conducive to sleep. This means a comfortable, relaxed, dark, and quiet environment.
• Encourage regular physical activity during the day.

It’s important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising teenagers. Every young person is unique, and embracing their individuality is crucial to help them develop a positive self-image. Ultimately, your role as a parent is not to shape your child into a predetermined mould but to provide a supportive environment where they can explore their uniqueness and individuality.

If you’re struggling to communicate with your teen or need further guidance, I specialise in adolescent issues. Please don’t hesitate to contact me to see how we can work together. I can provide you with strategies and the confidence to manage this challenging phase of parenting.

As your child hurtles into adolescence and their teen years, you can be carried along on their emotional rollercoaster on a ride you weren’t quite prepared for! Biological shifts, hormonal surges, and intense emotions create quite the journey. How can you ensure you and your teen emerge from this journey in one piece?

Understanding the changes

During adolescence, which typically occurs between the ages of 10 and 19, substantial biological and hormonal changes happen and bring with them some pretty intense emotional swings. These are a natural part of your teen’s development, which you can expect during this time. It can also be a bit of a shock to you – their poor, unsuspecting parents.

Puberty triggers a surge in hormones, including oestrogen and testosterone, leading to mood swings, increased irritability, and heightened emotional responses. Changes in the brain during adolescence, specifically the part responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation, also contribute to impulsive behaviour and volatile emotions. Throw in social and peer influence, heightened sensitivity and strong stress responses, and you have quite the melting pot for emotional upheaval. 

Mood swings are typical in this age, to be expected, and it’s something we have all been through and experienced for ourselves as adults and in our adolescence. While the emotional swings are normal, it’s essential to understand and address them for their well-being and yours!

What helps?

1. Open communication

Make them comfortable and safe for open dialogue with you. Let them talk about how they’re feeling to you, listen actively, and validate their perspective without judgment. Remember to underestimate the power of non-verbal communication, such as body language and facial expressions, in helping with understanding.

1. Create a supportive environment

Schedule regular, consistent activities together, a weekly game night, a shared meal, a weekend outing, or watching Dr Who to strengthen connections.

1. Show emotional intelligence

Help them identify and understand their emotions by modelling healthy expressions of emotions yourself. The best way to help them feel and express their feelings is to show them how you deal with and regulate your own. You could share your own experiences or stories. Asking open-ended questions (ones that don’t invite a simple yes or no answer) to help prompt them to reflect on how they are feeling and to understand the underlying factors.

1. Encourage healthy coping mechanisms

Help them develop positive ways to manage stress and intense emotions by encouraging them to engage in activities they enjoy, like sports, art, music or other hobbies. Again, please consider the power of modelling this behaviour to them. If they see you use these strategies, they are likelier to use them.

Examples of healthy coping strategies:

• Taking slow, deep breaths to calm the nervous system.
• Mindfulness practice and meditation help them stay present and manage stress.
• Regular physical activity, whether sports, dance, or yoga, helps release pent-up energy and reduce stress.
• Encourage creative outlets such as drawing, painting, or writing to help them express themselves and process their emotions.
• Writing down thoughts and feelings in a journal.
• Music can have a powerful influence on mood. Please encourage them to create playlists that help lift their spirits.
• Spending time outdoors, whether walking in the park or a garden, can be calming.
• Encourage them to share their feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to gain support and perspective.
• Having a consistent daily routine helps everyone! It provides stability and predictability, which reduces anxiety.

It’s contagious

The most effective positive influence on your tween or teen is you! You can significantly impact your child’s emotional well-being by being mindful and conscious of your emotional responses and modelling healthy coping mechanisms.

Humans are social – we naturally pick up on and mirror the emotions of those around us. We call this ’emotional contagion’, meaning that if you can remain calm in challenging situations, your child will more likely absorb this emotional stability.

You are their role model for emotional regulation and resilience. By staying composed in stressful situations, you show them effective coping strategies they can learn from and adapt to use themselves. Show them the importance of self-care by looking after yourself and your needs and wants. 

This may not always come quickly – your adolescent child knows how to push your buttons! Have realistic expectations of yourself as well as them. Whilst remaining calm is the goal – you won’t always get it, so have patience with yourself and your tween.

Puberty plus (peri)menopause – the perfect storm

It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge that when there is someone in the house going through adolescence, there is often someone in the house also going through menopause, leading to a perfect storm of mood swings! Menopause is a time when the reduction of oestrogen and progesterone levels can impact neurotransmitters in the brain, such as serotonin. These hormonal changes contribute to fluctuations in mood, often leading to mood swings, irritability, and emotional ups and downs for those experiencing menopause.

Don’t feel you have to manage this one on your own. This is a time when open communication within the family can be particularly crucial.

If you find your teen’s emotional swings too overwhelming, counselling can help. It’s essential to look after yourself this time, and counselling for parents can help you find the support you need. Remember that seeking professional help is a proactive step, not a sign of weakness. 

I work with parents to help them understand and manage their feelings and develop coping strategies. I will help you to see the parenting wood for the trees and help you recognise that you’re just the parent your child needs.

If you are struggling to cope with how your child is behaving and how that is making you feel, check out my profile to learn more about how we can work together and get in touch with me HERE. 

Silent treatment is when one person withdraws interaction from another, refusing to engage, leaving the other person feeling like they’ve been shut out. The person on the receiving end of this can feel invisible, excluded, and insignificant. It is not great for relationships and can lead to their breakdown. Someone can use the silent treatment to control the conversation, conflict, or engagement.

If it’s used to control, manipulate, or punish someone, it can be seen as abusive, causing lasting harm. The silent treatment might blame the other person, make them feel guilty, and manipulate and control. As a result, trust is broken, and the other person is hurt by feeling rejected. With this as the intention, this behaviour is toxic, controlling, and unhealthy. But what if you think you are the one giving your partner the silent treatment, and it’s not at all because you want to be abusive or to hurt them? 

The silent treatment might be more like an unintentional silence, where you withdraw without intending to be hurtful or abusive. For example, when disagreeing with your partner, or even when they point out issues, it may leave your mind going into overdrive, jumping to worse-case scenarios, trying to work out what they mean. Are they angry and upset with you? Are they disappointed in you? They don’t love or like you anymore.

A healthy relationship relies on open communication, and silent treatment, even when unintentional, can still hurt your relationships. It also has an emotional toll on the person receiving the silent treatment. It’s worth reflecting when you find yourself withdrawing without intending to. This way, you can foster better awareness and communication. 

Communication strategies

• Practise open expression of feelings and emotions in a non-confrontational manner. Using “I” statements helps to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I’ve noticed we haven’t talked much, and it makes me feel…”
• Create an open environment where expressing needs or difficulties is safe without fear of judgment.
• Use positive language, focusing on the desire to improve communication rather than blaming the other person.
• Show a genuine interest in the other person’s perspective. Mirror back what they have said to show that you have understood (in counselling, we call this ‘active listening’).
• Recognise and acknowledge differences in communication styles and preferences.
• Frame it as a challenge to be solved together so you work collaboratively to improve communication.

Understanding neurodivergent perspectives: A nuanced approach

Neurodivergence encompasses a range of neurological differences such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, or sensory processing differences. When a person is neurodivergent, their brain functions differently from someone with a typical brain (neurotypical). It isn’t a medical term, but it means that a person will have different strengths and challenges from neurotypical people. Because there is a vast diversity of experiences of neurodivergence, everyone has unique strengths, challenges and communication styles, including verbal and non-verbal forms of expression.

This article does not suggest that responding with silent treatment means you are neurodivergent. Still, it offers a lens through which to consider this. If you are autistic, for example, this is something you may experience.

If you are receiving the silent treatment from someone close to you, useful strategies may differ from those discussed here. Counselling may also benefit you by helping you work out their intentions. 

Silence through a neurodivergent lens

For some autistic individuals, silence may be a unique form of communication, and it is helpful to consider the intent behind the silence. Sensory sensitivities can impact and influence communication choices. For example, if you have sensitive hearing, being in a noisy situation such as a café or pub can be potentially overwhelming, leading to sensory overload. As a result, you might feel too overwhelmed to communicate effectively. Similarly, a feeling of overload can occur where there is perceived conflict. You want to respond, but your brain is going into overdrive, leaving you feeling frozen and unable to communicate. 

When feeling overwhelmed with sensory or emotional overload, an autistic person may withdraw to cope. This is sometimes called an autistic shutdown. On the outside, it might look like you are giving the silent treatment. Still, the intent behind this behaviour is fundamentally different. 

Coping strategies

• Recognise when you might need some quiet time or are experiencing sensory overload. What are the signals or cues that you can start to notice? You might be hyperaware of every sound, struggling to concentrate, and feeling physically uncomfortable. Are there specific situations or places you know can be tricky due to noise, smell, or lights?
• Communicate this proactively with close friends, family, or colleagues to prevent assumptions about intentional silence. Let them know that sometimes you might need to retreat when needed, signalling that it’s not about avoiding interaction but managing sensory overload.
• Let those around you know your communication preferences and needs during non-stressful times. Setting expectations in advance can help others understand your preferred modes of communication and reduce potential misinterpretations.

Everyone’s experience is unique. Adapt strategies based on your preferences and needs.

Seeking professional help

When silent treatment becomes a persistent issue for you, and it is getting in the way of you having healthy relationships with the people who matter to you, counselling can help. 

If you are, or suspect that you are, neurodivergent, whether this is autism, ADHD or another neurodivergence, you may find your needs regarding counselling may be better met by speaking with a neurodivergent therapist. A neurodivergent therapist will likely have a deeper understanding of the unique challenges and strengths associated with neurodivergent conditions. 

You can search therapists who explicitly mention experience with neurodivergent clients and ask them about their experience, making sure they are neurodivergent affirming. Schedule initial consultations with potential therapists to discuss your needs, their approach, and how comfortable you feel working with them. It’s essential to find a therapist who not only understands neurodivergence but also creates a supportive and affirming therapeutic environment. I am part of the neurodivergent community and welcome working with all neurotypes.

If any of this has resonated with you, get in touch. If you have any specific questions or if there’s anything else you’d like information on, please let me know!