Author: jenny.warwick27@gmail.com

As your child hits their tween years, it can feel quite overwhelming. With all the ups and downs, laughter and eye rolls, have you ever considered how this journey impacts you as the parent or caregiver?

It’s important to give yourself some credit. After all, you are the superhero behind the scenes, ensuring homework is done, and the fridge is stocked with snacks. But being a parent is about more than just navigating the teen landscape. It’s also about embracing your own journey of growth and self-discovery alongside your child.

Finding yourself again 

Shifting roles

The dynamics between you and your teen change during adolescence, meaning you must adapt your role as they seek more independence. Think of yourself more as a guide than a caretaker.

Emotional rollercoaster

As children enter their teenage years, their bodies undergo changes which can impact their sense of self. As a parent or guardian, it can be exhausting to be constantly affected by their mood swings. It can be challenging to maintain a clear perspective when you’re being hit with a wave of emotion from your teenager. And to make things worse, they may brush it off and tell you to ‘chill out’. The constant conflicts and growing pains can affect your emotional well-being.

Letting go

Letting go of control can be tricky, but you must let your teenager make their own decisions. Still, this process can profoundly affect your identity as you balance guidance and autonomy. The parents I work with often express the challenges of this balance, as it’s constantly changing and evolving in a non-linear fashion as your teen ages. It’s not just you feeling this way; many parents feel the same way, and it’s OK to experience these struggles.

Communication challenges

It can feel like you are conversing with an (often more than one) entirely different entity from the primary-age kid you used to have. Communication barriers frequently arise during adolescence, and finding new ways to connect with your teenager can be a journey of self-discovery for parents. 

Help create an environment where your teen feels heard and understood with:

Active listening:

• Practice active listening by giving your full attention when your teen is talking. Put away distractions like phones or other devices.
• Reflect back on what you’ve heard to ensure you understand correctly. This not only demonstrates attentiveness but also clarifies any potential misunderstandings.

Open-ended questions:

• Instead of asking closed questions that prompt simple “yes” or “no” answers, try asking open-ended questions to encourage your teen to share more about their thoughts and feelings.
• For example, instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” you might ask, “What was the best part of your day?” This invites a more detailed and meaningful response.
• You could even turn it into a fun game by asking ice-breaker questions like “If you could have one superpower, what would it be?” or “Would you rather be able to talk to animals or read people’s minds?” – I’ve worked with a lot of young people in my time. You should never underestimate the power of an ice-breaker!

Finding common ground:

• Identify shared interests or activities they are passionate about, whether a hobby, sport, or TV show. 
• Be open to their interests, even if they differ from your own. Showing genuine curiosity about their world can help you build better communication and understanding. 

Remember that building better communication is a gradual process that requires patience.

Parental peer pressure

Parents and carers face immense societal pressures during their child’s adolescence. Teens may remind you of how you measure up as parents, but it’s essential to focus on your child’s well-being rather than external perceptions. Don’t compare yourself to others; set boundaries around your parenting choices without conforming to societal expectations.

What helps?

Self-care

You must look after yourself – prioritise your well-being and mental health. Only when you are healthy and happy can you be there for those who need you. Let me explain it with an analogy. When you are on a plane, the flight attendant instructs us to put on our oxygen masks first before assisting others. This is because we won’t be able to help anyone if we run out of oxygen ourselves. So, always remember that taking care of yourself is crucial and should be your top priority.

Rediscovering personal passions

Rediscover your interests and hobbies; what did you like doing as a kid? Have you considered joining an art class or taking up tap dancing? Now is the time. Maintaining a sense of who you are is vital as your children become self-sufficient. 

Support systems

It’s important to have a support system in place. Reach out to your friends and family for help and connection. Our social circles play a big role in shaping our identity, and it’s vital to have people to turn to when we need support.

If you’re struggling with a sense of loss or confusion about your identity outside of being a parent, counselling can be a valuable resource. Don’t feel like you have to figure it out alone – I specialise in adolescent issues and am here to help. Get in touch to learn more about how we can work together.

As parents and carers, we all want the best outcomes for our children, including their happiness, health and resilience. However, raising teenagers and preteens is both an art and a science. Here are six practical tips and suggestions that can help you influence your child’s happiness and wellbeing and raise them to be happy and resilient individuals.

1. Be happy yourself – prioritise your self-care

This is my number one tip for a reason! How can you expect your tween and teenage children to value themselves if you don’t love yourself? Your children are watching and learning from you – more than you might realise. When you model the importance of caring for your wellbeing, it teaches your children the value of balance, self-compassion and looking after themselves.

2. Encourage effort over being perfect

Perfectionism comes at a cost. A fear of failure can be paralysing, stopping your kids from taking risks or trying new things. When we mess up, we learn how to do better next time. Letting your kids make mistakes and get stuff wrong is crucial to their development. Feeling constant pressure to be perfect makes them more likely to avoid taking on a challenge. Perfectionism also takes a toll on mental wellbeing, leading to increased levels of stress, anxiety and depression and setting a path to burnout and feeling inadequate. Focus on the process and effort they put in rather than outcomes. They are much more likely to take on challenges, mess up, get up and try again. 

Let’s say your tween is struggling with maths at school. Instead of aiming for perfect marks, focus on consistent effort, asking for help when needed, and seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn and improve. Over time, their maths skills improve, and they develop a strong work ethic, resilience, and problem-solving abilities. 

Another example is a shy teen who finds starting conversations or making new friends challenging. They can adjust their approach and improve their social skills by consciously stepping out of their comfort zone (just a little) and learning from awkward moments. Through this process, they form new connections and develop self-confidence, empathy, and increased self-esteem.

3. Show them the importance of empathy and boundaries

Demonstrate the importance of empathy – the ability to take on another’s perspective, feelings or experiences. One of the best ways to model empathy is by actively listening – focusing on what is being said to genuinely understand and connect with others. Help them work out small, specific, thoughtful acts they can do, such as holding the door open for someone or helping a classmate with their books. This encourages kindness and allows them to look for ways to impact their community positively.

Help them with boundaries; these are vital for positive relationships. For example, early adolescents need specific help with digital boundaries. Guide your tweens and teens on the importance of privacy and responsible social media use. Teach them about the potential consequences of sharing personal information online and respecting others’ privacy. 

4. Spend quality time together

Quality rather than quantity is essential here. Check-in on your teen’s day and listen when they tell you. You could schedule regular activities (based on their preference), such as playing a sport or game, walking, or watching something together (even if it’s something you’re not particularly interested in – they will love you being there). 

Establish specific times for device-free activities, such as family meals or before bedtime, to promote better sleep and overall wellbeing. Designate specific areas or times in the house as tech-free zones to encourage face-to-face interaction and family bonding. For example, the dinner table or family game nights can be designated when everyone puts away their devices

5. Encourage independence

Give them the tools to make decisions and learn from their experiences. This also helps build resilience – the ability to get back up after setbacks. 

School subject selection is an example of letting your child decide for themselves. They may need help deciding whether to take on a more challenging course that lines up with their passion or a subject that might be less demanding.

• Discuss each choice’s long-term benefits and challenges, given their future goals and ambitions.
• Help them research the potential impact of each choice on future academic and career opportunities.
• Suggest they speak with teachers, guidance counsellors, or mentors for additional perspectives.
• Reinforce that both choices have advantages and disadvantages and that the decision should match their personal growth and learning style

6. Help them choose healthy lifestyle habits

They are growing fast and need good nutrition, exercise, and sufficient sleep for their overall wellbeing. Sleep is vital at this age, but it can sometimes feel like you are raising a vampire who shuns daylight. 

• Encourage your teen to go to bed and wake up simultaneously every day, even on weekends. Consistency helps regulate our body clock, making it easier to fall asleep and wake up naturally.
• Help your teen find their own calming routine before bedtime. This could include reading, a warm bath or shower, or relaxation exercises. Avoid stimulating activities, like using electronic devices, at least an hour before bedtime.
• Talking of electronic devices – help them manage their screen time – this is not something teens or tweens are good at! Encourage balance between screen time and other activities, establishing a “screen curfew” at least an hour before bedtime.
• Make sure their bedroom is conducive to sleep. This means a comfortable, relaxed, dark, and quiet environment.
• Encourage regular physical activity during the day.

It’s important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising teenagers. Every young person is unique, and embracing their individuality is crucial to help them develop a positive self-image. Ultimately, your role as a parent is not to shape your child into a predetermined mould but to provide a supportive environment where they can explore their uniqueness and individuality.

If you’re struggling to communicate with your teen or need further guidance, I specialise in adolescent issues. Please don’t hesitate to contact me to see how we can work together. I can provide you with strategies and the confidence to manage this challenging phase of parenting.

As your child hurtles into adolescence and their teen years, you can be carried along on their emotional rollercoaster on a ride you weren’t quite prepared for! Biological shifts, hormonal surges, and intense emotions create quite the journey. How can you ensure you and your teen emerge from this journey in one piece?

Understanding the changes

During adolescence, which typically occurs between the ages of 10 and 19, substantial biological and hormonal changes happen and bring with them some pretty intense emotional swings. These are a natural part of your teen’s development, which you can expect during this time. It can also be a bit of a shock to you – their poor, unsuspecting parents.

Puberty triggers a surge in hormones, including oestrogen and testosterone, leading to mood swings, increased irritability, and heightened emotional responses. Changes in the brain during adolescence, specifically the part responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation, also contribute to impulsive behaviour and volatile emotions. Throw in social and peer influence, heightened sensitivity and strong stress responses, and you have quite the melting pot for emotional upheaval. 

Mood swings are typical in this age, to be expected, and it’s something we have all been through and experienced for ourselves as adults and in our adolescence. While the emotional swings are normal, it’s essential to understand and address them for their well-being and yours!

What helps?

1. Open communication

Make them comfortable and safe for open dialogue with you. Let them talk about how they’re feeling to you, listen actively, and validate their perspective without judgment. Remember to underestimate the power of non-verbal communication, such as body language and facial expressions, in helping with understanding.

1. Create a supportive environment

Schedule regular, consistent activities together, a weekly game night, a shared meal, a weekend outing, or watching Dr Who to strengthen connections.

1. Show emotional intelligence

Help them identify and understand their emotions by modelling healthy expressions of emotions yourself. The best way to help them feel and express their feelings is to show them how you deal with and regulate your own. You could share your own experiences or stories. Asking open-ended questions (ones that don’t invite a simple yes or no answer) to help prompt them to reflect on how they are feeling and to understand the underlying factors.

1. Encourage healthy coping mechanisms

Help them develop positive ways to manage stress and intense emotions by encouraging them to engage in activities they enjoy, like sports, art, music or other hobbies. Again, please consider the power of modelling this behaviour to them. If they see you use these strategies, they are likelier to use them.

Examples of healthy coping strategies:

• Taking slow, deep breaths to calm the nervous system.
• Mindfulness practice and meditation help them stay present and manage stress.
• Regular physical activity, whether sports, dance, or yoga, helps release pent-up energy and reduce stress.
• Encourage creative outlets such as drawing, painting, or writing to help them express themselves and process their emotions.
• Writing down thoughts and feelings in a journal.
• Music can have a powerful influence on mood. Please encourage them to create playlists that help lift their spirits.
• Spending time outdoors, whether walking in the park or a garden, can be calming.
• Encourage them to share their feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to gain support and perspective.
• Having a consistent daily routine helps everyone! It provides stability and predictability, which reduces anxiety.

It’s contagious

The most effective positive influence on your tween or teen is you! You can significantly impact your child’s emotional well-being by being mindful and conscious of your emotional responses and modelling healthy coping mechanisms.

Humans are social – we naturally pick up on and mirror the emotions of those around us. We call this ’emotional contagion’, meaning that if you can remain calm in challenging situations, your child will more likely absorb this emotional stability.

You are their role model for emotional regulation and resilience. By staying composed in stressful situations, you show them effective coping strategies they can learn from and adapt to use themselves. Show them the importance of self-care by looking after yourself and your needs and wants. 

This may not always come quickly – your adolescent child knows how to push your buttons! Have realistic expectations of yourself as well as them. Whilst remaining calm is the goal – you won’t always get it, so have patience with yourself and your tween.

Puberty plus (peri)menopause – the perfect storm

It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge that when there is someone in the house going through adolescence, there is often someone in the house also going through menopause, leading to a perfect storm of mood swings! Menopause is a time when the reduction of oestrogen and progesterone levels can impact neurotransmitters in the brain, such as serotonin. These hormonal changes contribute to fluctuations in mood, often leading to mood swings, irritability, and emotional ups and downs for those experiencing menopause.

Don’t feel you have to manage this one on your own. This is a time when open communication within the family can be particularly crucial.

If you find your teen’s emotional swings too overwhelming, counselling can help. It’s essential to look after yourself this time, and counselling for parents can help you find the support you need. Remember that seeking professional help is a proactive step, not a sign of weakness. 

I work with parents to help them understand and manage their feelings and develop coping strategies. I will help you to see the parenting wood for the trees and help you recognise that you’re just the parent your child needs.

If you are struggling to cope with how your child is behaving and how that is making you feel, check out my profile to learn more about how we can work together and get in touch with me HERE. 

Silent treatment is when one person withdraws interaction from another, refusing to engage, leaving the other person feeling like they’ve been shut out. The person on the receiving end of this can feel invisible, excluded, and insignificant. It is not great for relationships and can lead to their breakdown. Someone can use the silent treatment to control the conversation, conflict, or engagement.

If it’s used to control, manipulate, or punish someone, it can be seen as abusive, causing lasting harm. The silent treatment might blame the other person, make them feel guilty, and manipulate and control. As a result, trust is broken, and the other person is hurt by feeling rejected. With this as the intention, this behaviour is toxic, controlling, and unhealthy. But what if you think you are the one giving your partner the silent treatment, and it’s not at all because you want to be abusive or to hurt them? 

The silent treatment might be more like an unintentional silence, where you withdraw without intending to be hurtful or abusive. For example, when disagreeing with your partner, or even when they point out issues, it may leave your mind going into overdrive, jumping to worse-case scenarios, trying to work out what they mean. Are they angry and upset with you? Are they disappointed in you? They don’t love or like you anymore.

A healthy relationship relies on open communication, and silent treatment, even when unintentional, can still hurt your relationships. It also has an emotional toll on the person receiving the silent treatment. It’s worth reflecting when you find yourself withdrawing without intending to. This way, you can foster better awareness and communication. 

Communication strategies

• Practise open expression of feelings and emotions in a non-confrontational manner. Using “I” statements helps to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I’ve noticed we haven’t talked much, and it makes me feel…”
• Create an open environment where expressing needs or difficulties is safe without fear of judgment.
• Use positive language, focusing on the desire to improve communication rather than blaming the other person.
• Show a genuine interest in the other person’s perspective. Mirror back what they have said to show that you have understood (in counselling, we call this ‘active listening’).
• Recognise and acknowledge differences in communication styles and preferences.
• Frame it as a challenge to be solved together so you work collaboratively to improve communication.

Understanding neurodivergent perspectives: A nuanced approach

Neurodivergence encompasses a range of neurological differences such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, or sensory processing differences. When a person is neurodivergent, their brain functions differently from someone with a typical brain (neurotypical). It isn’t a medical term, but it means that a person will have different strengths and challenges from neurotypical people. Because there is a vast diversity of experiences of neurodivergence, everyone has unique strengths, challenges and communication styles, including verbal and non-verbal forms of expression.

This article does not suggest that responding with silent treatment means you are neurodivergent. Still, it offers a lens through which to consider this. If you are autistic, for example, this is something you may experience.

If you are receiving the silent treatment from someone close to you, useful strategies may differ from those discussed here. Counselling may also benefit you by helping you work out their intentions. 

Silence through a neurodivergent lens

For some autistic individuals, silence may be a unique form of communication, and it is helpful to consider the intent behind the silence. Sensory sensitivities can impact and influence communication choices. For example, if you have sensitive hearing, being in a noisy situation such as a café or pub can be potentially overwhelming, leading to sensory overload. As a result, you might feel too overwhelmed to communicate effectively. Similarly, a feeling of overload can occur where there is perceived conflict. You want to respond, but your brain is going into overdrive, leaving you feeling frozen and unable to communicate. 

When feeling overwhelmed with sensory or emotional overload, an autistic person may withdraw to cope. This is sometimes called an autistic shutdown. On the outside, it might look like you are giving the silent treatment. Still, the intent behind this behaviour is fundamentally different. 

Coping strategies

• Recognise when you might need some quiet time or are experiencing sensory overload. What are the signals or cues that you can start to notice? You might be hyperaware of every sound, struggling to concentrate, and feeling physically uncomfortable. Are there specific situations or places you know can be tricky due to noise, smell, or lights?
• Communicate this proactively with close friends, family, or colleagues to prevent assumptions about intentional silence. Let them know that sometimes you might need to retreat when needed, signalling that it’s not about avoiding interaction but managing sensory overload.
• Let those around you know your communication preferences and needs during non-stressful times. Setting expectations in advance can help others understand your preferred modes of communication and reduce potential misinterpretations.

Everyone’s experience is unique. Adapt strategies based on your preferences and needs.

Seeking professional help

When silent treatment becomes a persistent issue for you, and it is getting in the way of you having healthy relationships with the people who matter to you, counselling can help. 

If you are, or suspect that you are, neurodivergent, whether this is autism, ADHD or another neurodivergence, you may find your needs regarding counselling may be better met by speaking with a neurodivergent therapist. A neurodivergent therapist will likely have a deeper understanding of the unique challenges and strengths associated with neurodivergent conditions. 

You can search therapists who explicitly mention experience with neurodivergent clients and ask them about their experience, making sure they are neurodivergent affirming. Schedule initial consultations with potential therapists to discuss your needs, their approach, and how comfortable you feel working with them. It’s essential to find a therapist who not only understands neurodivergence but also creates a supportive and affirming therapeutic environment. I am part of the neurodivergent community and welcome working with all neurotypes.

If any of this has resonated with you, get in touch. If you have any specific questions or if there’s anything else you’d like information on, please let me know!

Imagine your teenager coming home after a long day at school, their face revealing the burden of countless emotions. They casually throw their bag onto the sofa, sighing loudly, signalling that something is troubling them.

As a parent or carer of a teen or nearly teenage child, you often find yourself standing at a crossroads as you watch your child venture into a world of newfound independence, friendships, and challenges. While this is a time of self-discovery and growth, it also comes with a maze of influences from their world, positive and negative, over which it can feel you have no control. From the relative safety of family and home that you have worked to provide them with, the lure of peer pressure is significant as they turn towards others around them.

So, how do you equip your teenager with the skills and reliance they need to navigate the waves of peer influence while making responsible choices along the way? And remain calm and resilient yourself!

What is peer pressure?

Our peers are people in the same social group as us, for example, your child’s friends and classmates. Peer pressure is the influence members of a social group have on other members to do things they might not otherwise choose to do. The influence can be subtle or more direct and coercive. Remember being cheered on by your friends when you were a kid to down that drink in one? Or the fear of missing out on a party because everyone is going? That’s peer pressure.

While the term is often used when people are talking about more negative, risky or socially unacceptable behaviour, such as experimenting with alcohol or other drugs, it can also have positive effects, such as a drive to study or exercise.

It’s all in the brain

Adolescents are more susceptible to peer influence because of how their brains develop. Understanding what is happening developmentally in your child is vital as it gives you an understanding of ‘why’ they are behaving the way they do and helps you recognise typical adolescent behaviour and what might be cause for concern. 

• The part of the brain responsible for decision-making, impulse control and judgement (the prefrontal cortex) is developing significantly during adolescence. This area is crucial for evaluating the consequences of our actions and making rational decisions. As it matures, teens gradually learn to think more abstractly and consider the long-term effects of their choices.
• The limbic system, associated with emotions and rewards, develops earlier, explaining why teens often experience heightened emotional intensity and sensitivity that their parents are all too aware of. Alongside this, they are seeking immediate gratification and social rewards. They are more inclined to respond to peer pressure, which can give the social acceptance and belonging that is so important.

This also means that:

1. Your teenager is more attuned to approval or disapproval from their peers and super sensitive to social cues, making conforming to their peer group’s norms and expectations vital to them.
2. Adolescents’ brain activity related to reward and social processing increases when they are in the presence of their peers, meaning they are more willing to take risks or decide what they think their peers will respond favourably to. This is why they might seem capable of sensible choices when they are with you, which then fly out the window when they are with their friends.

All this is to say that, whilst they are looking for independence, they still need your guidance.

How can you guide them?

Open questions and non-judgmental communication

‘How was your day at school today? Did anything interesting happen with your friends?’. ‘Have you ever felt pressured to do something you weren’t comfortable with? Can you tell me more about it?’ Give them your full attention when they’re telling you, and let them speak before you offer comments.

Help your teen build resilience and make responsible choices

This could include specific scenarios and role-playing exercises that parents can do with their teens to practice saying “no” in difficult situations.

Encourage them to find and join positive peer groups

For example, groups that share their interests and values, as this can help to mitigate negative influences. After-school activities and clubs help with this, so your teen has their school friends and dance friends, for example. 

Having supportive friends

Friends who encourage healthy habits and academic success can significantly affect your teen’s overall well-being. Encourage these friendships.

Be a positive role model

They are looking to you to see how you handle situations. Talk to them about times you have opted out of doing something because your friends were doing it. You can also tell them how you turned harmful to positive influences in your life. Let them know about positive outcomes from making responsible decisions rather than going along with peer pressure.

Examples of positive peer pressure

While peer pressure is often associated with adverse or risky behaviours, it’s essential to acknowledge that peer influence can have positive effects, too. 

Doing well at school

Encourage teenagers to join study groups or engage with friends who value academic success. When peers celebrate achievements and share a common goal of doing well in school, it can inspire your teen to prioritise their education.

Involvement in sports and physical activity

Positive peer pressure can manifest healthily through sports, dance, or other physical activities. Friends who enjoy being active can motivate your teenager to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Avoiding substance use

Supportive friends who avoid alcohol, drugs, or vaping can have a significant favourable influence on your teenager’s choices.

Exploring artistic interests

Your teen might have friends who engage in art classes, creating and sharing their artwork. This can encourage your teenager to develop creative skills and express themselves.

Reach out for support

If you worry peer pressure is leading to severe emotional distress or substance abuse, seek professional help. If you’re struggling to communicate with your teen or need further guidance, I specialise in adolescent issues, so get in touch to see how we can work together. I can give you strategies and the confidence to manage this and know the parenting wood for the trees.

In the fast-paced rhythm of our lives, do you ever find yourself caught in the unrelenting dance of worry? Does your mind replay conversations like a broken record, scrutinising every word and gesture for hidden meanings? Do you feel tense in your body, whisper of headaches, and yearn for restful sleep that seems elusive?

If this scenario feels familiar, you’re not alone. Emotional hypervigilance, a stealthy companion to our daily existence, affects many of us. In this blog about this heightened awareness, let’s uncover the signs, delve into its impact on our lives, and discover pathways to a more serene existence. 

According to Counselling Directory member Gregori Savva’s article, ‘What is emotional hypervigilance?’ emotional hypervigilance is “a heightened state of arousal, stress or sensitivity to certain sensory stimuli.”

Recognising the signs of emotional hypervigilance

• Constant worry: You worry continuously, without a break and often about things beyond your control. Because of this, you feel constantly on edge and find it challenging to relax.
• Overthinking and rumination: You replay your thoughts on a loop in your mind, repeatedly thinking about the same things, especially your problems or worries. It’s like having a broken record playing in your head. You might constantly replay a conversation, analysing every word and gesture, looking for hidden meanings or signs of disapproval, even in casual interactions. With overthinking, you might spend much time imagining potential future social scenarios, creating mental scripts for every possible conversation in an attempt to be prepared for any outcome. 

Physical symptoms

The stress associated with emotional hypervigilance can also impact your physical body in the following ways: 

• Muscle tension: You might notice increased muscle tension, particularly in the neck, shoulders and jaw, making you uncomfortable and even experiencing headaches. 
• Digestive issues: Stomachaches, indigestion, changes in bowel habits and even irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) symptoms. 
• Sleep disturbances: Emotional hypervigilance often interferes with sleep and might cause insomnia, restlessness and fragmented sleep patterns. You may find yourself waking up frequently during the night.
• Headaches: Caused by physical tension and stress. 
• Fatigue: Being constantly vigilant and on edge is physically draining, leaving you tired, low on energy and generally exhausted. 

Even though these are physical symptoms, counselling can give you tools and strategies to effectively manage these manifestations of emotional hypervigilance by giving you the headspace you need to manage your stressors.

Relationship struggles 

When you are constantly second-guessing yourself, not expressing your needs and finding it hard to be present in social interactions, it is no wonder this can impact your relationships. Misunderstandings, conflicts, or difficulty forming connections are more likely. You might then withdraw from social situations and isolate yourself for fear of judgement or rejection.

Some causes of emotional hypervigilance

It’s typically a combination of factors that contribute to you feeling this, for example:

• Anxiety, social anxiety, or specific phobias can lead to constant worry and vigilance.
• Past trauma such as abuse, violence or a life-threatening event may develop emotional hypervigilance as a defence mechanism. 
• High levels of stress from work, family, or personal issues.
• Perfectionism, where you are constantly seeking flawlessness and fear of making mistakes.
• Sensory sensitivities.

A word on hypervigilance in neurodivergent (autistic and ADHD) individuals

Emotional hypervigilance is not exclusive to autistic and ADHD individuals. Still, it is prevalent, with social and sensory sensitivities and triggers often contributing. Autistic masking, where we hide our autistic traits to fit in better with the neurotypical world, can be conscious or unconscious and is exhausting either way. Intrusive or sudden noises can trigger heightened alertness and anxiety. Overcrowded places, such as public transport or crowded events, can be overwhelming and cause individuals to be on high alert. 

Executive functions are the mental processes that help us achieve our objectives; they help us solve problems, guide our decision-making, and control our actions. Executive functioning differences in autistic and ADHD people mean emotional regulation is challenging, particularly when sensory overwhelm, when our working memory or difficulties with time management make it difficult to complete tasks.

These social and sensory sensitivities and executive functioning challenges can cause stress, anxiety, and emotional hypervigilance.

Finding healthy coping strategies

Perhaps you recognise some of these signs in yourself or your loved ones – what can help?

Mindfulness and relaxation techniques

• Mindfulness is staying fully present in the moment without judgment or distraction. It can be anything that takes your mind off what has happened and might happen in the future. It’s paying deliberate attention to your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and the surrounding environment as they are in the present.
• Deep breathing: Practice deep belly breathing to calm the nervous system and reduce anxiety.

Self-care

• Regular exercise: Physical activity can help reduce stress and anxiety. Find an exercise routine you enjoy, whether walking, yoga, or a team sport.
• Adequate sleep: Prioritise good sleep routines and ensure enough rest, as sleep is crucial for managing emotional well-being.
• Nutrition: Maintain a balanced diet focusing on whole foods, as nutrition can impact mood and energy levels.
• Hydration: Drink enough water throughout the day, as dehydration can contribute to stress.

Seeking professional help

It’s important to note that emotional hypervigilance can affect individuals in different ways and to varying degrees. The first step is awareness, and if you’ve recognised any of the signs in yourself or someone you care about, you’re already on the path to understanding and healing. Seeking professional help is a critical step. Addressing emotional hypervigilance can involve understanding the underlying causes. Counselling can help with this and support you to find healthy coping strategies that work for you.

In addition, the coping strategies mentioned, like mindfulness, relaxation techniques, self-care, and seeking support from friends and family, can help guide you back to a healthier emotional state. Remember, you’re not alone in experiencing this. Many of us grapple with heightened vigilance, and self-compassion and understanding will help you feel healthier and happier – something to be genuinely vigilant about. 

If this resonates with you, explore my profile for more information on how we might work together or to get in touch. Remember, you’re not alone in experiencing heightened vigilance. Many of us navigate these challenges, and self-compassion and understanding can lead us to a healthier and happier state. Let’s embark on this journey together. 

There you are: cruising through life, feeling confident and in control, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a curveball called ‘menopause’ arrives. It’s like a surprise guest at a party you weren’t prepared for, and it doesn’t just affect your well-being – it’s a party crasher that messes with the dynamics of your closest relationships. Have you ever wondered how this natural phase in life can impact your connections? Whether you’re experiencing the effect of menopause yourself or a partner wanting to understand and support your loved one, here are some of the surprises and opportunities menopause brings to the table.

Menopause is a natural biological process where the menstrual cycle stops, marking the end of the reproductive years, typically occurring between the ages of 45 and 55. It happens via stages including perimenopause (the years leading up to menopause), menopause itself (when there have been no periods for 12 consecutive months) and post-menopause (the phase that follows).

Hormonal changes primarily drive menopause, specifically a decline in oestrogen and progesterone, which leads to various symptoms which tend to include (but are not limited to!) hot flushes, night sweats, mood swings and changes in libido. These symptoms can directly impact intimate relationships with partners, family and friends, causing low self-esteem, low self-confidence and family issues.

It’s important to note here that while menopause symptoms can present challenges in relationships, they can also be an opportunity for growth and a more profound connection between partners when approached with empathy and open communication.

According to a survey by the Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education, eight out of 10 women experiencing marriage difficulties said the symptoms of perimenopause or menopause put a strain on their family life.

Challenges of menopause on relationships

What are some typical symptoms of menopause that can directly impact your significant relationships?

• Mood swings: Hormonal fluctuations during menopause (similar to puberty) can lead to mood swings, irritability and increased emotional sensitivity. Both you and your partner may find tensions rise more quickly in conversations, causing conflict.
• Change in libido: Many may experience decreased sexual desire during menopause, leading to a decline in sexual intimacy, which can affect both partners emotionally.
• Sleep disturbance: Lack of quality sleep impacts your ability to communicate effectively and spend quality time with your partner.
• Brain fog: Memory lapses and cognitive changes in menopause are common. Forgetfulness or difficulty concentrating can lead to misunderstandings and frustration.
• Emotional challenges: The impact of menopause on our mental health is often overlooked, but anxiety and depression can occur, causing a strain in the relationship if not addressed openly or supported by your partner.

A combination of these, plus the physical symptoms of menopause, can make effective communication more challenging. Partners willing to learn about menopause and provide emotional support can help mitigate these challenges.

Positive aspects of menopause in relationships

Menopause has been a taboo in our society, but this is gradually changing. Many positive aspects need to be recognised and valued. It is a time for growth, connection, and renewal.

• Deeper emotional connection: Menopause encourages us to communicate more openly about how we feel physically and emotionally, allowing partners to support and understand each other better. It creates a sense of solidarity and a stronger bond as you and your partner empathise with the challenges and celebrate the positives.
• Increased freedom: Menopause often comes when your focus shifts from raising children as they become more independent, perhaps leaving home for university, to spending more quality time together as a couple. It’s an opportunity to spend time together travelling, sharing hobbies or just spending time together.
• Renewed romance: With fewer distractions and increased confidence, there’s more time and space to enjoy a more exciting romantic life. You can emerge from menopause with a greater sense and understanding of your body, and exploring new ways to maintain your physical connection can lead to a more creative and satisfying intimate life.
• Embracing change together: Menopause is a significant life change. Facing it with your partner as a team can foster a sense of togetherness. It encourages improved communication skills as you work together to express your needs and concerns more effectively. It teaches us to be more empathetic and patient with each other, benefiting the relationship beyond menopause.

Please seek professional advice, especially when menopause symptoms significantly affect your well-being and relationships. Don’t try to work through these on your own. HRT is one option, and there are others for you to consider under the guidance of your GP or a medical professional specialising in menopause.

Do you feel your menopause is negatively impacting your relationships? As a counsellor specialising in parents and carers of tweens and teens, I am aware of the perfect storm of hormonal activity where one family member is experiencing menopause as another is experiencing puberty. 

Contact me today to find out how we can work together.

Remember the butterflies in your stomach on your first day of high school or that awkward feeling when you had to speak in front of the class? We’ve all been there. Now, imagine your teenager going through those moments daily, struggling with shyness in an increasingly complex world. In this article, I’ll explore the unique challenges that shy adolescents face and provide you with practical tips to help them thrive.

Adolescence is a stage of development that brings unique challenges to parents and carers. It’s a time when our identity is changing, and social dynamics are constantly evolving. Many of us have experienced shyness at some point and understand the challenges it can pose. But what if you’re concerned that your teenager is timid? This article will explore how to support them, whether shyness can be “fixed,” and the importance of nurturing your teen’s qualities. I’ll also explore when shyness might become a more significant concern and offer practical tips to help your shy adolescent build confidence and resilience.

This article will explore the topic of shyness in adolescents, a common and natural aspect of growing up. It’s important to distinguish that we are discussing shyness, which is a personality trait, and not social anxiety, which is a related but distinct condition.

Shyness is a feeling familiar to most of us. It can feel like a resistance band holding you back, making you uncomfortable, fearful, or apprehensive, making interacting with others or sharing ideas difficult. Shyness can be a natural personality trait, and it’s essential to recognise that there’s nothing inherently wrong with being shy. There are also positive aspects to shyness, such as deeper thinking and heightened empathy.

Understanding Shyness in Adolescents:

Shyness can look different in tweens and teens than in younger children. They may need help with shyness in public speaking, initiating conversations with peers, or working out the complexities of dating and romantic relationships. Understanding these subtle distinctions is crucial for effectively supporting your shy teenager.

Most younger children will be shy in specific situations or around certain people. But when does your adolescent child’s shyness become a concern?

Identifying shyness as an Issue in pre-Teens and Teenagers:

Shyness can become more pronounced during adolescence due to increased social pressure and the desire to be accepted by peers. You may find your teen less forthcoming about their feelings, so you must maintain lines of communication.

Recognising when shyness goes beyond typical teenage reservations is vital for providing timely support. You might want to look out for the following:

1. Consistently avoiding social situations, even those they used to enjoy.
2. Having a very small or non-existent social circle.
3. Difficulty forming and maintaining friendships.
4. Intense fear or anxiety before or during social interactions, panic attacks, rapid heart rate, sweating, and trembling are signs of heightened anxiety.
5. Physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, nausea, or even vomiting related to social situations can indicate that shyness has escalated into a significant concern.
6. They are avoiding school, participating in extracurricular activities, or taking on responsibilities.
7. Symptoms of depression including ongoing sadness, loss of interest in activities, and social withdrawal.
8. Excessive use of social media to avoid face-to-face social interactions.

Moods can be fleeting and volatile during adolescence. If the signs persist over several months and affect several aspects of your teenager’s life, however, it indicates that their shyness has become a significant concern.

Shy teens may feel underestimated and overlooked, struggling with confidence in school, potentially impacting their academic achievements and happiness. When their shyness restricts their experiences, causing them to miss out or negatively affecting their school performance, these signs need addressing.

Practical Tips for Parents of Shy Adolescents:

• Respect Their Independence:

• • Adolescents crave autonomy. Respect their space and let them make choices about social interactions while offering (subtle) guidance when needed.

• Encourage Extracurricular Activities:

• • Encourage your teen to explore interests and hobbies outside of school. Joining clubs or groups that match their interests can lead to more meaningful social interactions.

• Discuss Social Challenges:

• • Initiate conversations about your teen’s social challenges, whether dealing with peer pressure, navigating dating, or preparing for college or future careers.

• Promote Self-Expression:

• • Encourage your teen to express themselves through creative outlets like writing, art, or music. These forms of self-expression can boost confidence and self-esteem.

• Set Realistic Goals:

• • Please work with your teen to set achievable social goals relevant to their age group. For instance, they could aim to attend a social event with a friend or initiate a conversation with a classmate.

• Encourage Peer Involvement:

• • Encourage your teen to invite friends over or engage in group activities. This can help them build social skills in a comfortable setting.

• Seek Professional Help If Needed:

• • If your child’s shyness is causing significant distress or interfering with their daily life, consider consulting a professional who works with young people for specialised support. Early intervention can make a substantial difference in helping your teenager manage their shyness and related challenges effectively.

Everyone is unique; what works for one young person may not work for another. Patience and understanding are essential while helping your shy teen develop the social skills they need to flourish.

Shyness is a natural part of the human experience, and parents need to support their shy kids rather than trying to change them. By understanding the impact of shyness on your child’s life, promoting open conversations, and encouraging comfortable courage through small steps, you can help your teenage child build confidence and resilience. Remember, it’s not about “fixing” shyness; it’s about helping your teen thrive on their terms.

Are you feeling overwhelmed and unsure how you can support your shy teenager? I work with parents of tweens and teens, offering personalised guidance and support. Contact me today to discuss your situation and explore how we can work together to help your teenager overcome shyness and find their full potential. Don’t let shyness hold them back from the bright future they deserve!

Are you worried your teenage child might be vaping? As a parent, it’s natural to be concerned about the influences surrounding our adolescents, particularly when issues like teenage vaping are rising.

Vaping, despite its legal age restrictions, is increasingly becoming a widespread habit among teenagers. In fact, it’s been labelled an “epidemic” by experts. The ASH Smokefree GB Youth Survey reveals that a staggering 20.5% of children have tried vaping, and 7.6% are currently using e-cigarettes.

While vaping serves as a cessation tool for some adults trying to stop smoking, it’s an entirely different story when it comes to marketing. Colourful packaging and sweet flavours, specifically designed to lure young consumers, are just the tip of the iceberg. The allure of vaping for teenagers often hinges on its cool and rebellious image, an appeal actively exploited by social media influencers. Even though adverts promoting vapes are banned on platforms like TikTok, the use of e-cigarettes among influencers remains widespread.

It’s important to understand that vaping is far from a harmless habit. Besides damaging the lungs and exacerbating asthma, vaping increases the risk of heart disease, stroke, and lung cancer. Yet, the most vulnerable in this scenario are young people with developing brains at risk of nicotine’s long-term, lasting effects. Nicotine addiction, mood disorders, permanent impulse control reduction, and harm to cognitive functions are all associated with teenage vaping—a fate you’d undoubtedly want to spare your child from.

However, it’s crucial to maintain a balanced perspective. While vaping may seem ubiquitous in the media, it’s less common among youngsters than one might think. As you mentioned, less than 8% of children in the UK are currently vaping. While this number is relatively low, it’s essential to acknowledge that vaping is a reality for some teenagers, and its usage is rising. If you’re concerned that your teen may be vaping, it’s vital to have an open and informed conversation with them about the associated risks.

In this blog, we’ll explore the hidden dangers of teenage vaping and provide you with the knowledge and tools to engage your teenager in a constructive conversation about this worrying trend.

Signs your teenager is vaping

You might notice increased coughing at night, irritability, and thirst. The usual giveaway is the fruity and sweet scents wafting from their room.

How to start the conversation

• Choose a time and place to have a private conversation without distractions.
• Start by letting your teen know you’re concerned about them and want to talk to them about vaping.
• Be open and honest with your teen. Let them know you’re not there to judge them but want to help them make informed decisions about their health.

What to say

• Talk to your teen about why they should want to quit, and then you can tailor your support accordingly. The environmental impact of single-use vapes can be a good motivator for young people.
• Be empathetic and understanding. Let your teen know that you know they might be tempted to vape but that it’s essential to resist the urge. Quitting vaping is hard, especially for teens. Let your teen know you’re there for them and willing to help however possible.
• Encourage your teen to ask questions and be ready to answer them openly and honestly.

How to handle your teen’s reactions 

• Be prepared for mixed reactions from your teen. Some teens may be receptive to your concerns and willing to discuss vaping. Others may be defensive or angry.
• If your teen is defensive or angry, stay calm to avoid arguing. Let them know you’re there to listen and want to support them.
• Don’t give up if your teen is unwilling to talk to you about vaping. Try to speak to them again at a later time. You could also suggest they talk to a trusted adult, such as a teacher or counsellor.

Additional tips

• Be respectful of your teen’s feelings.
• Avoid using judgmental language.
• Focus on the facts.
• Be patient. It may take some time for your teen to come around.
• Don’t panic. Give yourself time to let your feelings settle, and then you can feel prepared to have a constructive conversation with them.
• Be a role model: If you or anyone in your household vapes, consider quitting or using alternatives. It’s much harder for them to vape and more accessible to resist temptation if no vaping devices or products are around the house.

Vaping among teenagers is an escalating concern, but as a parent or carer, you hold the key to making a real difference in your child’s life. Remember, the most crucial aspect is to ensure your teenager knows you’re there for them and that your support is unwavering.

If you face challenges communicating with your teen or need further guidance on steering the often complex issues surrounding adolescence, I specialise in providing support and guidance. Get in touch with me to explore how we can collaborate to ensure the well-being and future of your teenager.
As parents, caregivers, and professionals, we can empower our youth to make informed, healthier choices. Your proactive steps today will pave the way for your teen’s safer and brighter tomorrow.