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Any relationship can feel complicated in unique ways, and the one between mums and their daughters has an extra dimension. The media, films, and TV tend to oversimplify mother-daughter relationships as either very close or extremely tense. While it’s true that mother-daughter relationships can be profoundly fulfilling, they have some distinct challenges. The dynamic between you will continue to change and shift as your daughter moves from childhood through adolescence into adulthood. It is shaped by biological, psychological, and social influences, but when you understand these, you and your daughter can build a stronger relationship that’s based on empathy.

You and your daughter have a particular connection due to sharing the female biological and psychological experience, making the potential of this shared bond strong. This closeness can help you understand and empathise with each other’s feelings and actions. However, it can also lead to high expectations and intense emotions, none of which make the relationship any easier!

Identity and independence

As your daughter grows up, she also develops her own unique identity. And to do this, she needs to start separating from you. This desire and need for independence can lead to conflict, especially when mums find it hard to loosen their grip or daughters feel too restricted.

Adolescence is the time when this conflict becomes particularly noticeable, where you find your daughter testing your every limit while you try to offer advice and support. Finding the right balance between independence and closeness is tricky and can lead to tension.

Communication styles

Differences in communication styles between you and your daughter can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. You may rely on certain forms of communication, while your daughter, especially in this digital age, may prefer different methods. It’s important to listen and express feelings to bridge this gap actively.

Additionally, finding common ground in communication methods, such as setting aside time for face-to-face conversations, can help improve understanding and build a healthy relationship.

Be aware of your past issues

Unresolved issues from your past can resurface and affect your relationship with your daughter. Past hurts, unmet expectations or unspoken resentments can create barriers to closeness.

One way to address these issues is through counselling, which can provide a safe space to heal and move forward. Open and honest communication about these issues can help you understand each other’s perspectives and work towards resolution.

Influence of fathers and other family members

The presence and behaviour of fathers and other family members can influence the dynamics of the mother-daughter relationship. A supportive family environment helps reduce conflict and provides extra support. On the other hand, if the family dynamic is strained, it can make tensions between mothers and daughters worse. 

Adolescence and menopause: The perfect storm

Adolescence is a time of rapid physical, emotional, and psychological change for daughters, characterised by the quest for identity, increased independence, and often heightened emotional sensitivity. At the same time, mothers may be experiencing menopause, a significant life transition marked by hormonal changes, emotional fluctuations, and reflections on their own ageing and life course.

Mothers and daughters often experience these changes simultaneously (thanks, Mother Nature!), which can make your relationship even more complicated. When you and your daughter are dealing with significant internal and external changes, the emotional environment is going to be heightened.

If this is something you’re experiencing, keep in mind:

• The hormonal fluctuations of menopause can impact mood and behaviour, just as they do adolescence. Understanding that you are both experiencing heightened emotional states helps maintain empathy and patience.
• When you and your daughter are both experiencing significant life changes, miscommunication is only to be expected. Open, honest dialogue is crucial to working through misunderstandings and supporting each other through these transitions.
• Recognising the challenges each other is facing can reframe a source of tension into an opportunity to support each other. Your daughters can gain insight into the ageing process, and you can better understand the pressures of growing up in today’s world. 

Do you find yourself struggling with your relationship with your teen or nearly teenage daughter? Being a parent to a child who’s going through puberty just as you’re navigating menopause is hard. 

If this resonates with you, counselling can help improve your relationship with your adolescent child. Find out more about working with me HERE.

How to keep your Co-Parenting Relationship Healthy

Deciding to separate is difficult, especially when children are involved. However, ensuring the well-being of your children rests on maintaining a positive dynamic with your co-parent. Whether you’re recently separated or have been co-parenting for years, navigating the relationship confidently and making it respectful and cooperative is crucial. A positive co-parenting dynamic provides stability and consistency for your kids and helps both parents foster a supportive environment.

Here are some practical suggestions for building (and maintaining!) a supportive and collaborative co-parenting relationship.

Communication

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy co-parenting relationship. It should be clear, respectful, and consistent. Clarifying via email can be helpful, and scheduling check-ins ensures that both parents stay up to date. There are even co-parenting apps to help keep scheduling, logistics, and communication clear.

When speaking with your co-parent, actively listen to understand the other person’s perspectives. This can include paraphrasing what they’ve said to you and validating feelings. For instance, if your co-parent expresses concern about your decision, you can acknowledge their concern and explain your reasoning. When you communicate with empathy and a willingness to understand, it becomes much easier to gain perspective.

Boundaries

Define, establish, and stick to clear emotional and physical boundaries. Think of your co-parenting relationship as professional rather than built on emotions. By ‘professional relationship ‘, I mean a relationship based on mutual respect, clear communication, and a shared commitment to the well-being of your children. Keep your interactions focussed on parenting issues. Reframing your relationship this way makes boundaries clearer and easier to stick to.

Scheduling and Organising Discussions

1. Regular check-in meetings help with communication and boundaries. A consistent schedule to discuss parenting matters helps ensure you stay informed and involved in decision-making.
2. Use a shared calendar to schedule these meetings to help you both keep track and avoid scheduling conflicts.
3. Have a clear agenda of the topics to discuss, such as school updates, logistics for upcoming events, and any concerns or decisions that need to be made. Share the agenda with your co-parent beforehand so both parties can prepare. This will keep the meeting on track and ensure that all important issues are addressed efficiently.

Emotional Management

Some complicated emotions might still be floating around your ex, so emotional management is crucial to co-parenting. Acknowledging and managing your emotions, especially those related to your ex, is essential for your well-being. Mindfulness is a great way to manage stress and maintain emotional balance. Acknowledging how you’re feeling is the best start.

Think about who you have around you as your support system: friends, family, or a therapist. Don’t be afraid to reach out for eternal support.

Focus on the Children

Take a child-centred approach by prioritising your children’s needs and interests in all decisions. This makes it much easier to collaborate on parenting strategies that benefit the children.

Consistency in rules and routines between households and presenting a united front to the children makes all the difference.

Making a New Normal

Establish new routines and traditions that involve both co-parents. This will create opportunities for positive, respectful, and supportive interactions with your co-parent, benefiting everyone

Look after Yourself

Your well-being is crucial in this process. Maintain your health and happiness by doing what makes you feel good. When you are happy, those around you can be well and happy. Don’t underestimate the power of self-care. Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary for you to be the best parent you can be.

Conflict Resolution

If/when things don’t go well, keep disputes away from the children. Try to find a constructive resolution for any disagreements. If necessary, consider professional mediation. Having a neutral third party can help you find solutions.

Professional Guidance

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Professional guidance, such as counselling, can provide strategies for effective co-parenting. Resources such as books, workshops, and online materials can also enhance your co-parenting skills. Seeking professional guidance can reassure you that you’re on the right track and provide the support you need.

Remember, the goal is to create a stable and nurturing environment for your children while respecting and cooperating with your co-parent. You can maintain a healthy and supportive co-parenting relationship by focusing on clear communication, setting boundaries, prioritising your children’s needs, and caring for your emotions and well-being. Stay focused on this goal, and you’ll see the positive impact on your children’s well-being.

If you have any questions or need further guidance on co-parenting, I’m here to help. As a counsellor with experience supporting parents through these transitions, I can provide personalised strategies and support tailored to your unique situation. Visit my contact page here to learn how to work together to ensure a positive co-parenting experience for you and your children. You can find more information about my services and how I can assist you in maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship.

One moment, you’re besties, sharing jokes, friendship bracelets, and adventures. The next, you’re faced with a barrage of eye-rolls, grunts, and mumbles where you’re not quite sure what they just said, but you’re pretty sure it wasn’t very friendly. This might escalate to all-out declarations of war. But remember, this is all part of the standard stage of teenage development, which I call ‘the Great Pushback’. It’s a period where your teen is asserting their independence, testing boundaries, and trying to figure out who they are. It can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that this is a normal part of their growth and development, not a sign of a problem.

Understanding adolescent development is not just helpful; it’s pivotal. It gives you a solid base and a framework to understand what is happening. It recognises that this is a to-be-expected part of parenting a teen or nearly teen. This knowledge empowers you to navigate this stage with confidence. This stress on understanding can make you feel more prepared and less anxious about the challenges that come with parenting a teenager.

Understanding Adolescent Development

The hormonal changes associated with puberty should not be underestimated. They profoundly affect your child’s mood and behaviour, often leading to unexpected reactions and outbursts. The teenage brain undergoes significant growth and changes. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation, is still developing. This means that your teen is not only dealing with intense emotions but also learning to make decisions and regulate these emotions. Add the work on developing decision-making skills; you have quite the heady mix.

Independence and Identity Formation

The teenage years are a time of seeking independence and exploring identity. This natural desire to break free and find autonomy can often lead to clashes with parents and carers. Your teen is also trying to figure out who they are in this pivotal stage. They need to constantly push boundaries and test limits, which means they are testing your limits as well! To manage these conflicts, it’s important to set clear boundaries, encourage open communication, and respect their need for independence while providing guidance and support.

Communication Breakdown

Teenagers often feel misunderstood due to differing perspectives. As an adult, you may have a more experienced and rational viewpoint than your teenager. However, consider the impact before sharing this with them, as it might not be well received. Have you ever been told you’re being irrational when disagreeing with someone? There’s a fair chance that it’s your teen who says this to you! It doesn’t feel great and could be more helpful.

Nevertheless, it’s essential to remember this. This is why there can be misunderstandings and communication barriers. Remember, their perspective is valid, even if it’s different from yours.

Peer Influence

Relationships with peers become increasingly important for teenagers. Social pressure might cause teens to prioritise friends over family, leading to conflicts at home. Teens seek peer approval, leading to clashes with family values or rules.

Emotional Intensity

Adolescence is intense, and teens may not always know how to manage these feelings effectively. Small issues can seem like huge problems to teens, leading to overreactions and exaggerated responses.

Parental Expectations

The weight of your expectations can feel more substantial and overwhelming to your teens than you realise. Your expectations may seem obvious and reasonable to you, but they can overwhelm your teenager. Talk to them to help gauge what is and isn’t sensible. It can be a balancing act, but balancing support, freedom, guidance, and independence is important. This balance can change and evolve as your teen gets older and has more responsibilities at home and school. One way to achieve this balance is to involve your teen in setting expectations and rules, allowing them to have a say in their own life while respecting your authority as a parent.

Signs of Deeper Issues

If you are experiencing ongoing and particularly strained conflicts with your adolescent child, it could be an indication of an underlying issue such as depression or anxiety. Signs to look out for include:

• Persistent sadness.
• Changes in appetite or sleep patterns.
• Social withdrawal.
• A significant drop in academic performance.

If you are worried that deeper issues may be at play, seeking professional help is essential.

Conclusion

Navigating the teenage years can be challenging for both parents and teens. Understanding the developmental changes and the intense emotions your teen is experiencing can help you approach conflicts with empathy and patience. The most crucial tool in your arsenal is open communication. By fostering a safe and open environment for your teen to express themselves, you can work together to overcome these challenges. Remember, this phase is a normal part of growing up. You and your teen can get through it together with time, support, and open communication. This emphasis on open communication can empower you to build a stronger relationship with your teen.

If anything I’ve said resonates with you, please don’t hesitate to get in touch HERE. Counselling with me can help you find effective strategies and solutions to support your teenager.

Helping your teen find independence is a crucial aspect of their development. This is when young people will naturally start to challenge authority and seek autonomy, the ability to decide what to do rather than being influenced or told what to do by someone else. While this behaviour is typical during adolescence and is essential for their growth, it can also be challenging for their parents and carers.

One moment, your child sees you as a source of knowledge and wisdom; the next, they treat you like you know nothing. Despite the instinct to protect and guide, allowing teens to explore their independence to meet their psychological and emotional needs is essential.

For instance, empowering your teen to make their own decisions, such as choosing extracurricular activities and managing their study schedules, can significantly boost their self-esteem. Successfully navigating these choices reinforces their confidence in their abilities and judgment, reassuring you that you’re effectively encouraging their independence. 

Granting teens the autonomy to handle conflicts with their peers and manage their responsibilities, such as budgeting, helps them develop crucial problem-solving skills. This ability to think critically and independently will help prepare them for the challenges of adulthood.

Setting clear boundaries and expectations

Establishing clear and consistent boundaries is crucial for maintaining safety and structure. For example, knocking before entering their room shows your teen that you respect their need for independence and personal space. At the same time, it’s reasonable to expect them to keep their room tidy by putting dirty clothes in the laundry, clearing used dishes, and ensuring their floor is (more or less) clear.

Remember to:

1. Be specific – Use straightforward language. Avoid vague instructions like “Tidy your room”. Instead, be precise by stating tasks such as “Put your dirty clothes in the laundry, use crockery in the kitchen every day, and keep the floor clear of clutter to keep your room tidy.”
2. Provide reasoning – Teens are more likely to respect boundaries when they understand their logic. For instance, explain that keeping their room clean creates a comfortable space for them to relax and study, and it also makes it easier to find things, reducing stress.
3. Involve them in decision-making – For instance, when it comes to keeping their room clean, you could ask, “What do you think is a reasonable way to ensure your room stays clean?” This involves them in the decision-making process and makes them feel respected and more likely to comply with the rules.
4. Outline consequences – Clearly outline them so they understand the implications of not respecting boundaries. For example, you could say, “If you don’t put your dirty clothes in the laundry regularly, they won’t get washed, and you’ll have to wear them dirty.” Also, discuss reducing some of their privileges until their room is clean.

How to teach teens to be more responsible

Maintain open communication

Stress the significance of keeping lines of communication open. It’s crucial to have honest and respectful conversations, even about challenging topics. This will make you feel more connected and involved in your teen’s life, fostering a stronger relationship.

Balance freedom with guidance.

By being supportive yet non-intrusive in your teenager’s life, you can allow them to make their own decisions while still providing guidance.

Recognise and respect individuality.

Acknowledge and respect your teen’s unique personality, interests, and opinions. Show interest in their passions and hobbies, even if they differ from your own.

Deal with conflicts and misunderstandings

Handle conflicts and misunderstandings calmly and constructively. Empathy is essential here—try to see things from their perspective to understand better how to resolve issues.

Promote problem-solving skills

Teach your teen problem-solving skills and how to approach challenges independently. Guide them through making decisions and solving problems rather than stepping in to fix things for them.

Model independence and responsibility

Model-independent and responsible behaviour by demonstrating how you manage tasks and commitments. Share how you plan your day, handle chores, and balance work and personal life. For example, you could show them how you manage your work deadlines and household chores or how you make time for your hobbies and personal interests.

Seek professional help when needed.

Remember, seeking professional help, such as counselling for parents, is always an option if navigating your teen’s independence becomes particularly challenging. This reassurance should make you feel supported and understood, knowing that help is available when you need it.

Do you have a teen or nearly teenage child and need help boosting their independence? I specialise in supporting parents and carers in developing strategies for their teen’s growth. Contact me today, and let’s work together to build a positive and empowering environment for your teen.

Bullying can cause long-lasting harm to a young person’s mental health and overall well-being. Discovering that your teenager is being bullied can be highly distressing for you as a parent or caregiver. However, there are strategies you can employ to provide support and guidance to help them navigate through this difficult experience.

Bullying is when a person or group deliberately and repeatedly hurts another person or group, usually happening when there is an imbalance of power. Bullying can be physical (hitting or pushing, for example), verbal (such as name-calling, teasing, or saying mean things), or psychological (like spreading rumours, manipulating social relationships, or threatening to reveal personal information). It can happen in person or online (cyberbullying), which involves using digital technology to harass, humiliate, or send hurtful messages.

The impact of bullying can be devastating to a young person’s mental health and well-being, especially when it continues over time.

It’s important to note that having disagreements, arguments, or experiencing occasional hurtful comments from friends or peers does not constitute bullying. Bullying involves repeated mean and hurtful behaviour.

Signs of Bullying

Recognizing signs of bullying in teenagers can be more challenging than in younger children because teens may feel ashamed or afraid and may not confide in you. Here are some common signs that might indicate your tween or teenage child is being bullied:

• Changes in behaviour: Becoming more isolated, having trouble sleeping, asking you for money
• Withdrawal from social activities or suddenly deleting social media accounts
• Physical: Unexplained injuries, regularly complaining of headaches or stomach aches
• Reluctance to go to school or changes in academic performance

Communication is Key

It’s important to keep lines of communication open. When teenagers feel safe and know they won’t be judged, they find it much easier to talk about their experiences. Listen to them without interrupting, and don’t jump in offering immediate solutions. They want to feel heard and understood. Let them know that:

• They were right to speak to you about what is happening, even though it might have been hard
• Bullying is never ok
• This is not their fault
• You will work with them to make things better

Having worked with young people for over ten years, I often hear from them that they don’t want to worry their parents or carers. By keeping communication open and maintaining your connection, your teen will feel more confident that you can work out potential solutions together.

Practical Steps

• Documenting Incidents: Keep a record of bullying incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions. Encourage your teen to write down what happened as soon as possible after the incident. If the situation escalates, this record can be used as evidence when reporting the bullying to the school or authorities.
• Developing a Plan: Collaborate with your teen to establish a plan of action, including how to respond to bullying, who to approach for help, and what steps to take if the bullying continues.

When to Involve the School

When dealing with bullying, involving the school is important, but the first step is to talk to your child. Reassure them that you are in this together. When discussing the bullying with their head of year or pastoral lead, be specific about the incidents and their impact on your child. Ask about the school’s policy on bullying and what measures will be taken to address the issue. It’s important to approach this conversation calmly and constructively, focusing on finding a solution.

Advocate for your teen by staying informed about the school’s actions. Avoid involving the other child or their parents directly, as this is more likely to make the situation worse. It’s much better to work with the school on this.

Professional Help

If your teen is being severely affected by bullying, therapy can provide a safe space for them to process their experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. This can be done through the school or privately. However, it’s important to talk to your child about this first and not go over their head; getting their buy-in is crucial.

Dealing with bullying is a continuous journey that requires your commitment and alertness. Your ongoing support is crucial in helping your adolescent child navigate this difficult situation and build resilience for the future.

If anything I’ve said resonates with you, please don’t hesitate to get in touch HERE. Counselling with me can help you find effective strategies and solutions to support your teenager.

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT): A Unique Approach to Parenting Challenges

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) is a unique approach to addressing parenting challenges. It is a short-term therapy typically consisting of six to eight 50-minute sessions. The time commitment can vary depending on the complexity and progress of your challenges. We will collaborate during each session to establish clear and achievable goals. You will be asked targeted questions to find solutions, and together, you will develop a plan to track your progress. The therapy involves shifting the focus from dwelling on problems to actively seeking solutions that can enhance family dynamics and relationships.

Key Elements of SFBT for Parenting:

1. Goal Setting Establishing clear and achievable goals or aims for the sessions is central to SFBT. For instance, you might set goals to improve communication between you and your teen, to minimise conflict, or to build a more positive and healthy parent-child relationship. By answering questions such as ‘What are some of the positive aspects of your current relationship with your teen?’ or ‘What strategies have you tried in the past that have worked? ‘, you can gain new perspectives, generate creative ideas, and identify actionable steps.
2. Present and Future Focus: While the family you grew up in and your teen experiences are relevant, SFBT concentrates on the present and looks to the future rather than digging deep into past issues. This forward-thinking approach empowers you to visualise and work towards positive outcomes, recognising and amplifying your strengths and resources. By highlighting and reminding you of these strengths in sessions, you gain the confidence and resilience to tackle challenges, making you feel more in control and confident in your parenting journey.

Real-Life Example: Improving Communication with a Teen

For instance, if you’re experiencing difficulties communicating with your teenager, leading to frequent arguments and a growing sense of distance, we can work together to address this. During our sessions, we will:

– Establish clear objectives.

– Identify strengths and available resources.

– Ask targeted questions to focus on finding solutions.

– Develop a plan and track your progress.

Our collaborative efforts will help you determine your strengths, recognise interactions that are positive, and create a plan for engaging in active listening and having non-confrontational conversations with your teenager. Subsequent sessions will involve assessing progress and celebrating small victories.

Benefits of SFBT for Parents:

Collaborative and Client-Led: SFBT strongly emphasises the partnership between the therapist and the client. As your therapist, I guide the process by asking questions and providing support, but this doesn’t mean you are a passive recipient of solutions. You are an active participant in problem-solving and decision-making, leading to greater ownership and empowerment. I am here to support and guide you, but the solutions and progress come from you and your family.

Quick and Effective: It works! Focusing on practical solutions and working with your strengths, SFBT can produce positive results relatively quickly, making it especially appealing to busy parents like you. This gives you hope and reassurance that positive change is within reach.

Adaptability: SFBT is not a one-size-fits-all approach. It’s highly adaptable and can be tailored to address a wide range of parenting challenges, from communication issues and boundary-setting to navigating transitions and nurturing resilience in children and teens. This adaptability ensures that your unique parenting challenges can be effectively addressed, making you feel understood and catered to.

Celebrating Progress: Throughout the therapeutic process, SFBT strongly emphasises celebrating even small victories and progress toward goals. This emphasis on recognising and reinforcing positive change is not just a feel-good exercise. It’s a powerful motivator that can help you stay on track and contribute to ongoing success.

Continued Growth and Learning: SFBT encourages a mindset of continuous growth and learning for both you and your children. By promoting resilience and equipping you with practical skills and strategies, SFBT helps you navigate the ever-changing parenting landscape. It’s not just about solving the challenges you’re facing now. It’s about building the skills and resilience to face future challenges confidently.

SOLUTION-FOCUSED BRIEF THERAPY (SFBT) provides an active and practical approach to addressing parenting challenges. By focusing on the present and future, leveraging strengths, and collaborating with your therapist, SFBT can create significant and lasting improvements in family dynamics. However, it’s important to note that, like any therapy, there may be potential risks or challenges. These can include the need for active participation and commitment, potential discomfort as challenging issues are confronted, or additional sessions if goals are not met within the initial timeframe.

Whether it’s communication issues, conflicts, or other parenting challenges, SFBT offers a structured and supportive method for positive change. The benefits of SFBT for parents are clear: it’s collaborative, client-led, quick, effective, adaptable, and promotes ongoing growth and learning.

Counselling can be a valuable resource if you’re struggling with parenting your teen or nearly teenage child. Don’t feel like you have to figure it out alone – I specialise in adolescent issues and am here to help. Get in touch to learn more about how we can work together.

Are you concerned that your teenager or pre-teen is overly attached to their smartphone? Do you find it hard to get more than one-word answers because they’re always looking at their screens? Adolescents and children can spend significant time on their phones, whether scrolling through social media, playing games, or chatting with friends. As a parent or carer, you may be worried about the impact of this behaviour on your child’s well-being, including their mood, concentration, and overall mental health.

With smartphones so common, managing your teen’s screen time can feel challenging. However, as a parent, you play a crucial role in this. According to Ofcom’s Children’s Media Literacy Report 2024, by the time they’re 11, nine out of ten kids own a mobile phone. This marks a significant change in how young people interact with technology, and it’s up to you to guide them.

While negative media coverage of children and young people online is prevalent, it’s important to remember that screen time and technology are not entirely negative. In fact, they can be beneficial for tweens and teens, who use their phones for various reasons, including schoolwork, playing games, and entertainment.

The positives of screentime

Some positive aspects of screentime for adolescents include:

1. Social Connection: Social media helps teens stay in touch with family and friends, especially those who live far away. It also offers online communities where teens can find support, share their interests, and build relationships with like-minded peers.
2. Creative Expression: Technology allows teens to explore and develop their creative talents. This includes photography, video editing, graphic design apps, and coding.
3. Skill Development: Multiplayer online games can help teens develop teamwork, communication, and problem-solving skills. Social media management can also teach digital marketing and networking skills.
4. Access to Diverse Perspectives: Social media, news apps, and online forums allow teens to engage with different perspectives, broadening their understanding of global issues and helping them develop empathy and tolerance (and couldn’t we all do with more of this?).
5. Empowerment and Advocacy: Technology can be used for social change. It can help raise awareness about social justice issues, organise events through social media, or participate in online activism.

Finding a balance

However, finding a balance between online and real life is essential and it’s wise to assess each situation and child individually.

So, how much is too much when it comes to your teen’s smartphone use?

Ask yourself:

• Are they physically healthy?
• Are they getting enough sleep?
• Are they keeping up with their hobbies and interests?
• Are they catching up with their friends (online or offline)?
• Are they doing ok at school?

It’s crucial for parents to play an active role in helping their teens find a healthy balance and sensible use of technology. Here are some strategies to manage your teen’s (and your own) screen time and tech:

1. Model healthy smartphone habits: Children learn from the habits of the adults around them, so to set clear boundaries, it’s best to establish these healthy habits for yourself first.
2. Implement screen-free zones for the whole family—no phones at the dinner table is a good baseline. No electronics in bedrooms after a specific time is another boundary well worth putting in place. For instance, you could set a tech cutoff time for the whole family at 9 p.m.
3. When establishing these guidelines, it is important to have an open conversation with your teenager. This approach is more likely to gain their acceptance and cooperation. Be ready to review these rules regularly, every few months, as devices and needs evolve. Schedule regular family dinners or social gatherings without smartphones to encourage face-to-face communication and meaningful connections with family and friends.
4. Add these to your family routines. Establishing clear rules for everyone, such as setting certain times as family time, can prevent arguments about social media use. This way, everyone can enjoy quality time together without any distractions.
5. Give them the chance to practice managing their screen time. There’s a balance between monitoring and trusting them to work it out. Having a sense of autonomy over their use will make it much more likely for them to stick to the family screen time rules. Encouraging them to think about the positives of maintaining a healthy balance helps.
6. Encourage your teen to maintain a balance between online and offline activities. Remind them to engage in the offline activities they enjoy, such as playing games with friends, having face-to-face social interactions, and pursuing creative hobbies.
7. Discussing important issues such as cyberbullying, online privacy, and digital footprints with your teen is crucial. This not only helps them become responsible digital citizens but also fosters a sense of open communication and trust.

You can help your teen use their smartphones safely, respectfully, and ethically by keeping communication open.

Do you have concerns about your teen’s smartphone or tech use? Are you worried about the impact this is having on their well-being? As a counsellor specialising in working with parents of tweens and teens, I’m here to help you navigate the challenges of the digital age and create healthy online habits. Contact me HERE today to find out more and schedule a session.

Life is full of ups and downs, and the teenage years are no exception. Adolescents face many challenges, from physical changes to academic pressures, social dynamics, and emerging identities. For instance, they might be stressed about upcoming exams or fitting in with their peers. While these experiences can be exhilarating, they can also be daunting for teens and their parents and carers. So, while stress is to be expected during this period, it can significantly impact their well-being if it is ongoing or chronic. Knowing how to spot stress in your teen is important as a parent or carer. So, what are some signs of stress in teens?

Signs of stress in teens

By being aware of these signs, you can intervene early and help your child manage their stress effectively. Some common signs include irritability, moodiness, withdrawal from activities they once enjoyed, difficulty concentrating, changes in sleeping patterns, headaches, and stomach aches. If your teenager is under stress, it could affect their academic performance. They may begin to procrastinate, become perfectionists, or develop a fear of failure.

It can be challenging to distinguish between typical teenage behaviour and signs of a more serious problem. If your child is having more conflicts with friends or avoiding social activities they usually enjoy, it could be a sign that they are struggling. They may be more sensitive to criticism or rejection and have sudden mood swings or emotional outbursts. Although these behaviours are common among teenagers, it’s essential to trust your instincts as a parent to determine if they are struggling more than usual. Remember that you know your child better than anyone. 

Normalising stress

Adolescence is a stressful time! It’s hard work being a teenager, and experiencing stress is a natural part of growing up and experiencing life’s challenges. Validate your teen’s feelings and reassure them that it’s okay to seek help when needed.

Seeing stress as a positive

Stress is a natural part of life and can even be beneficial if managed correctly. For example, students may find it stressful to cope with a lot of work before exams, but they can manage this by developing study strategies that work for them, seeking help from teachers or tutors, and taking care of themselves by practising mindfulness or exercising. This not only helps them perform better academically but also teaches them valuable life skills such as time management and self-care. They learn to understand their strengths and abilities, which they can use to overcome future challenges, encouraging resilience and adaptability.

Teenagers often experience stress and emotional turmoil due to conflicts with their peers or social rejection. By working through these situations, they can learn to understand other people’s perspectives, practice empathy and communication skills and build stronger relationships. They also learn to have open dialogues, actively listen, and resolve conflicts.

Strategies for parents and carers

If you notice any signs that your child might be stressed, it’s crucial to initiate a conversation about their feelings. Adolescents may find it challenging to articulate their emotions, so if they do open up, it’s essential to listen to them and try to understand their perspective. You might be tempted to intervene and solve their problems, but this may not align with what they want or need. Sometimes, all they need is a supportive ear and a shoulder to lean on.

When supporting your teenager, it’s vital to strike a balance between giving them independence and being there for them. This stage is about allowing them to make decisions, learn from their experiences, and develop their problem-solving skills. They don’t need you to fix every issue they face, but they do need your guidance when they ask for it. You can ask your teenager if they want you to listen or help them work out their next steps. Let them know you trust them and are there for them if they need you.

Here are some practical ways you can help your kid manage their stress:

• Sleep – Encourage your teen to limit their tech use before bedtime and keep digital devices out of the bedroom.
• Physical activity – Exercise is good for their mental and physical health and can be a great way to relieve stress.
• Hobbies and interests – Doing the things they enjoy can be a great way to relieve stress.
• Spending time outdoors – Encourage your teen to spend time outside and breathe in some fresh air.

It’s important to lead by example. When you practice these habits, you not only set a good example but also help your teenager understand the importance of self-care and compassion. These strategies have been proven to be effective in managing stress, so by encouraging your teen to adopt them, you’re giving them a valuable tool for life.

Identifying when stress becomes an issue

If you have concerns about your child’s stress levels or mental health, it’s crucial to reach out for professional support. While you can check in with your child’s school to see how they are doing there, it’s always best to talk to your child about this first rather than going behind their back. They might benefit from talking through their feelings with a counsellor, but checking with your teen first is essential. They might be hesitant at first, but you can mention it as an option for them and see if they decide that it is something they would like to explore. Remember, there’s no shame in seeking help when needed, and it can make a significant difference in your child’s well-being.

Remember that working collaboratively with your teen to help them manage their stress effectively helps them and provides an opportunity for growth and connection.  

Counselling for parents can help you find ways to best support your teenager. I work with parents to help them understand and manage their feelings and their children’s and develop coping strategies. If you want to find out more, you can contact me by clicking HERE.

Dealing with separation or divorce can be emotionally challenging, especially when it comes to considering the impact it has on your nearly teenage child or teen. This is a time of change and intense emotions for everyone involved, and helping teenagers through this process can be extremely challenging. However, it is crucial for their well-being that you offer them the support they need during this difficult time. To help you with this, here are some strategies that you can consider:

Communication

It’s important to have open and honest conversations with your teenager about the separation or divorce, even though it may feel overwhelming. Instead of having just one conversation, think of them as ongoing talks as your teen starts to process and understand what’s going on. During this time, it’s important that your teen feels heard and understood, so give them the opportunity to express how they’re feeling. By actively listening to what they say, you can work together to identify what they need to feel safe and reassured that things will work out in time.

Reassurance 

Teenagers often experience strong emotions when their parents separate or divorce. They may feel angry, sad, and confused. As a parent, it is important to support and listen to their feelings without trying to jump in and fix how they’re feeling. By acknowledging their emotions and showing understanding, you can help them feel more confident and resilient. Encourage them to talk openly and create a safe space for them to express themselves without worrying about being judged.

Stability and routine

It’s important to keep in mind that your adolescent child may have practical concerns during a family separation. They may be worried about where they will live, whether they have to move away from their friends and school, and how they will adjust to living in two homes. 

To maintain stability and security during this change, keep to the same routine and activities as much as possible. This includes continuing to live in the same house or area, going to the same school, and keeping up with everyday activities. 

Even if you and your teenager are not living together full-time, staying connected and involved in each other’s lives is crucial. You can maintain a healthy relationship by doing the same things you’ve always done together, such as playing sports, cooking, watching movies, or shopping.

Avoiding conflict

Make it a priority to minimise conflict in front of your kids. Witnessing arguments or tension between parents can be distressing for teens and may exacerbate their emotional distress. Exposure to hostility and constant conflict isn’t good for anyone’s well-being. Avoid discussing difficulties related to the separation or negative comments about the other parent in front of your child. If you need to vent, talk to a friend, family member or someone you feel comfortable with when your child is not around.

Co-parenting

Work with your ex so you both prioritise your child’s well-being. Keep your communication with your ex respectful and focus on making joint decisions regarding your teenager’s upbringing.

Support

It can be tough for adolescents to express when they’re having a hard time, but there are signs that they may be struggling with a transition. Look out for increased anger, unwillingness to cooperate, spending more time alone, sleep or eating problems, lack of interest in usual activities, friendship issues, or risky behaviour.

It can be challenging to determine if your teenager’s behaviour is due to the usual ups and downs of adolescence or if it’s a sign of difficulty with the separation. Trust your instincts and don’t jump to conclusions about what’s causing the behaviour. If you’re concerned about your teen’s well-being, seek professional help.

Let your child’s school know about the separation or divorce so their teachers are aware. They can look for changes in your teen’s behaviour that indicate they might be struggling and suggest support options.

Despite the challenges of separation or divorce, you will get through this with time, find a new normal for your family, and even thrive. One of the remarkable strengths of teenagers is their innate ability to adapt to new circumstances. With your love and support, your teen can emerge more robust and resilient from the separation or divorce.

You need to pay attention to your physical and emotional well-being during this stressful time. Reach out to friends for support, look for a support group for parents going through a divorce, and speak with a counsellor about your feelings. By doing so, you’ll be better positioned to support your child while caring for yourself.

Being a parent or carer of teenagers has specific challenges. Please don’t feel that you have to do it on your own. As a counsellor specialising in working with parents of tweens and teens, I help parents like you find ways of strengthening their relationship with their adolescent child.

If this resonates with you, why not contact me today to schedule a session?

It’s not uncommon for parents and carers to experience apprehension regarding their teenagers’ apparent lack of enthusiasm towards schoolwork during their adolescent years. The transition from childhood to adulthood is challenging, and teens are often preoccupied with social arrangements and other distractions. There are effective strategies you can use to encourage your teenager to take their education seriously. These practical approaches can promote a sense of responsibility and motivation in teenagers, leading to academic success and a brighter future.

Understanding typical teen mindsets

It is common for teenagers to need help prioritising their studies. There may be various reasons for this, such as social expectations, lack of motivation, or difficulty comprehending the significance of education. Alternatively, they may have more pressing concerns, such as fitting in with their peers or worrying about how to get someone to like them.

It’s important to remember that your anxieties and priorities may be different from those of your child. You almost certainly have had a different school experience than your teenager has now. Perhaps you excelled academically, but your child may be struggling. While school and learning are important, there is more to life than getting good grades.

It’s essential to remember that your teen is their own person, and they are still figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world. 

Teenagers tend to prioritise the present over the future. They are not very good at weighing short-term pain against long-term gain. As a result, when discussing career prospects and the benefits of investing in education, they may respond with eye rolls.

However, academic success is important for your teen’s future. So, how can you motivate them to take their education seriously (enough)?

Talk to them

Maintaining open communication with your teenager is crucial to help them overcome academic challenges. Encourage them to share their concerns and issues related to school with you by initiating a conversation. For instance, you can ask them if there is anything specific they would like to talk about, such as, “Hey, I noticed you seemed a bit stressed about school lately. Is there anything on your mind that you want to talk about?” You can also share your own experiences and offer your support. For example, “I remember when I was your age, I sometimes found school tricky. I’m here to support you if you need help or want to talk. How are things going with your classes and assignments?” Create a supportive and non-judgmental atmosphere to make them feel comfortable about opening up to you. Although it may be challenging, avoid criticising their thoughts and opinions, as this will help you find solutions to any problems they may face. Remember, providing your support and understanding will go a long way in motivating them to take their education seriously.

• Set clear expectations: Establish clear guidelines and expectations regarding academic performance, attendance, and involvement in school activities. Consistency is key in reinforcing these expectations.
• Encourage goal setting: Help teens set realistic short-term and long-term goals related to their academic achievements. Breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks can make them feel more attainable.
• Provide resources and support: Offer tutoring, study groups, or educational apps to support your teen’s learning process. Be actively involved with them in finding solutions to any academic challenges they may face.

It’s important to encourage your teenagers to take responsibility for their education by allowing them to make decisions and learn from their mistakes. Remember that schools are designed to provide learning resources and set boundaries and consequences. It’s best to let these take place and take a step back whenever possible.

• Lead by example: Be a positive role model by demonstrating a solid work ethic and a commitment to lifelong learning. Show them your commitment to learning by taking courses yourself or engaging in educational discussions with your teen.
• Encourage them: Help them to develop effective time management and study skills.
• Celebrate their wins: Acknowledge your teen’s academic accomplishments, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement boosts their confidence and motivation to take school seriously.

If you notice your teenager persistently struggling or showing signs of academic disengagement, you should speak with their school. If possible, talk with your teen first, letting them know you’re getting support for them—don’t go behind their back. Professional support can help identify underlying issues and provide tailored interventions. 

Do try to avoid getting too fixated on your teen’s academics. Young people face so much pressure from different directions, so choosing this battle may not be worth it. 

If you’re worried about the well-being of your teenage or nearly teenage child, counselling can help. I specialise in assisting parents and carers dealing with adolescent issues and providing ongoing counselling support to work on these issues together. If you have a specific problem that you want to talk through, I also offer one-off parenting consultations that focus on finding solutions. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you need further guidance or support.