Author: jenny.warwick27@gmail.com

Is your teenage child finding school difficult? Are they struggling to make it in? Are they coming home and unleashing their overwhelmed feelings on you? School is important, not just for learning maths and geography, but also for getting on with others and functioning in society.

When you realise they are struggling at school, the first step is to determine their reason. Talk to them about it and ask them to help you understand the issue from their perspective. If they don’t want to talk to you about it (which is quite normal for teenagers!), speak with their school to see if they can shed any light on it. 

Why is my child finding school difficult?

Some reasons could be:

• There is an issue with friendships. 
• They are being bullied.
• They are struggling with the work. Or they feel they have fallen too far behind.
• They are having problems with one of the teachers.
• There is an issue at home.
• They may have mental health issues.
• They may have learning difficulties or conditions that make school hard such as autism or ADHD.

How can I work out what is happening?

• Talk to them – it could be a problem with their friends or teachers, or they may struggle with the work.
• Work with the school – let your child know you will do this, so you can all work together to help them return.
• Speak to them about talking to a counsellor about their worries or fears about school.

Your child must go to school while this is happening – school is not just about learning academic stuff; it’s crucial for them socially and developmentally. Avoiding a difficult situation doesn’t help with anxiety; it feeds it. Physically going to school helps them remember they can do it, allowing them to find their confidence and resilience. Getting back to school is much easier if you haven’t been away from it for too long. 

Working with the school as a team is the best way to get your child back there. Talk with their tutor or head of year. 

• Let them know what’s happening from your perspective and what your child has told you is the issue.
• If the problem is bullying, let them know how this is impacting your child and ask them what strategies they have in place to manage or, better still, prevent bullying.
• Ask what support staff are available to help, such as the school counsellor or wellbeing team.
• If they are having difficulties due to a disability or neurodivergence, such as autism or ADHD, ask what the school has in place to support them.
• Make sure to ask for regular updates. 

Work with your child and the school to formulate a plan of action to move forward.

How do I talk to my child about this?

1. Staying calm is the goal here. If your child sees you’re stressed, upset or angry, they will pick up on this, worsening their anxiety.
2. Show them you understand and still expect them to attend school: “I can see that you’re worried about going to school, but you do need to go.”
3. Routines for the morning and evening are helpful for everyone. Having everything ready to go the evening before helps set up a calm start to the day.
4. Avoid getting into negotiations (teens love to negotiate) by being transparent, “When you’re at school tomorrow, you can…” rather than “If you go to school …”
5. Notice, acknowledge and praise them when they are taking steps to go in: “I know this is hard, but well done for getting your bag ready.”
6. If they don’t attend school, try not to reward this accidentally. No school means no television or electronics, for example. Make staying at home boring!

If you are worried about your child’s difficulty engaging with and going to school, you don’t have to resolve it alone – work with your child and the school to help.

And, most importantly, don’t forget to look after yourself! When you are feeling well, it’s much easier to help other people. 

Getting your own counselling can help. I work online with parents and carers to help them feel more confident in their parenting. If you are struggling to cope with how your child is behaving and how that is making you feel, get in touch to learn more about how we can work together.

When you find you have a particular issue that you want help with sooner rather than later, an Empower Hour of single-session therapy can help.

Rather than a specific counselling approach, single-session therapy is designed to help you address a particular problem or issue in one session. It is based on the view that people have the resources and strengths to solve problems. As your therapist, I will help you identify and access these resources. 

When you enter the session, we will have an agreed focus, and you will leave it with a plan for your next steps, making it bespoke and specially tailored to meet your needs when you have the session. The session’s focus is then to help you identify and implement solutions to your issue. 

Single-session therapy is a one-time session of solution-focused, brief therapy to help you quickly resolve one specific issue by offering you short-term support and guidance. After your Empower Hour, you can act and move forward independently. However, it is essential to note that the therapy doesn’t have to stop there. They can be made available if we agree that more sessions would be helpful. 

While single-session therapy is a relatively new approach to therapy, it is effective for various concerns. Research has shown that single-session therapy can be effective for anxiety, depression, stress, relationship problems, family and parenting issues, work issues and life transitions. Some problems need more in-depth support than a single session can provide, and your therapist will advise you on this.

An Empower Hour with me will help you to:

• Navigate challenges in your relationships and find ways to communicate more effectively.
• Find the right tools and coping mechanisms to help you manage your anxiety and stress.
• Give you the support and guidance you need to help you handle transitions and changes.
• Find ways to feel more positive and boost your confidence.

The session is a collaborative process where we work together to create a plan for change. This means that, together, we will clarify the problem, develop a plan, and then ensure you have a clear action plan for the next steps you will implement.  

It is crucial that you come into the session prepared, so think about what you would like to get from it. I’ll send you a worksheet to help you with this before our session. 

How does it work?

During the session, you and I will:

• Agree on the focus of the session.
• Decide on the goal that you are working on.
• Keep on track.
• Focus on your strengths.
• Identify the resources you have around you.
• Work out your options and alternatives.
• Define what has and has not worked for you in the past.
• Work out your next steps.

After the session, it is essential that you give yourself some time to reflect on what we have talked about. You can then put the agreed plan or next steps into action. 

Single-session therapy is not a quick fix but can be a constructive way to implement change. It isn’t just for when you’re struggling with a problem; it’s also a great way to build skills such as communication, assertiveness, self-awareness and problem-solving.

Some other benefits of an Empower Hour:

• It gives you the support and guidance to cope with your problem.
• It can help you identify goals and develop a clear plan.
• It’s a great way to get an idea of therapy and to see if it’s right for you.

If you want to learn more about single-session therapy and see if it would fit you, don’t hesitate to contact me.  If you’re ready to make an appointment time now, click here to go to my booking page.

Does it feel like all your teen wants to do is play video games? Games are designed to keep us plugged in and playing. It’s hard to stop and they typically don’t come to an end. They are also enjoyable and present us with a challenge that we want to persist with in order to get to the next level or stage.

When gaming is good

There are definite positives to gaming for tweens and teens:

No activity is good if that’s all you do. Help them to enjoy it but also help them to know how to stop.

How to manage expectations (yours as well as theirs)

Set time limits

You can’t stand over their shoulder all the time, but you can monitor the amount of time they spend online. Give them a clock to help them keep track of the amount of time they are spending. This will differ from child to child – if they’re maintaining a reasonable balance, with school work, for example, and it isn’t impacting their sleep, then things are OK.

Consider giving them longer at the weekend

You can do this while keeping a structure that works for you and them. They’ll appreciate being able to really focus on a particular challenge unrestricted but then take that extra time back the following week, by taking an evening off in the week in return. They’ll appreciate you giving them the time to really enjoy their gaming and it helps them maintain a healthy balance.

Consider multi-player platforms

This might either encourage teamwork (such as Minecraft) or they may be more competitive, where the aim is to be the last one standing (Unreal Tournament). These can help them learn how to be respectful of others and the importance of being a ‘good loser’. This is such an important lesson for children and young people. Video games can help them learn (with your help) how to be a good loser and how to be kind to their teammates who don’t perform quite as well as they might have hoped!

Try not to have them playing on their own, locked in their room

Be around, this is especially important for younger kids. You could even play with them (it can be more enjoyable than you might think!). By being in the game with them, you can monitor what they are doing, seeing and saying to other kids online.

Consider cyber safety

Talk with them – keep communication open so they know that they can come to you if something happens online that alarms or disturbs them.

Signs of problem gaming

What red flags should you look for that may indicate there may be a problem with their gaming?

Most kids don’t have the self-discipline to manage the amount of time they’re spending on gaming and they’re up against it as the games are made to be endless and addictive. Remember it is normal for teens to push boundaries and break the rules – that’s just part of their normal development.

If it’s interfering with their behaviour, home life, school or sleep life, it’s an indication they’re gaming too much.

• Sleep – Are they finding it hard to get to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night to game or waking up early to game?
• School– Are they falling behind with homework or not doing so well in assessments?
• Behaviour – Are they shouting, swearing or getting aggressive when you tell them to stop?

It might feel like they’re addicted but an actual gaming addiction is very unlikely. Things can cross a line into being problematic, however.

If this is the case, approach them calmly – sit down and address your concerns – “I noticed you’ve been really tired lately” or “Your teacher got in touch about you not having done your maths homework.”

The most likely response to this will be them telling you that they can manage their online time better. You could give them the benefit of the doubt and work out reasonable usage with them. Let them know that you’ll review it in a couple of weeks.

Chances are they aren’t going to be able to regulate their usage (because teens’ brains are not typically so good at this). Then you can then go back to them and say, “OK do you need some help? Maybe we should turn the Wi-Fi off at 10pm?”

Make the plan a casual one, so it’s a negotiated agreement process. Let them know that you respect they are developing their autonomy and that you want them to make their own decisions but that you’ll need to work together to find a better solution.

Keep reminding them what the boundaries are and why you’re setting them so that they understand you aren’t trying to punish them; you are trying to help them.

• Don’t get into a battle over the device itself.
• You can control the Wi-Fi and mobile data – cut it off at a specific time.

Helpful boundaries

• Gaming, like all other social activities, comes after homework.
• Set a limit on games or levels rather than time – if their time is up before they’ve finished a stage, you’re going to have a fight on your hands! Let them finish just that level.
• Let them know how important respect is – they need to be as respectful online as they are to people offline.
• Be aware of troubling themes they might be coming across – know what they’re playing and accessing.
• Encourage them to watch out for their mates and to speak up for them when bad stuff happens.
• If gaming is their thing – nurture it – be interested in the game they play, the strategies they use and what it is they enjoy about it.

Being a parent is hard and it doesn’t get any easier as your child moves through adolescence. Speaking with a counsellor can help. We will work together on coping mechanisms that will make you feel more balanced and stronger to support your teen. If you have any questions or would like to find out more, please do get in touch with me.

Do you feel your teenager is always glued to their phone or other digital devices? Are you worried about the impact this is having on their mental health? The truth is that it’s not all bad and that there are benefits to using digital devices. Young people have a strong need for social connections, which can be facilitated through their devices. However, your job is to help them realise that there needs to be a balance between screen time and real-life interactions. 

So, how do you get them off their devices without starting a fight? And what is happening in their developing brains when it feels like they have their beautiful eyes stuck on a screen all day long?

New tech is coming in all the time – the average three to four-year-old spends three hours a day in front of a screen, increasing to six and a half hours by the time they are teenagers. In fact, our teens spend more time interacting with digital devices than they do in school!

This excessive screen time can negatively affect sleep, physical activity, and real-life social interactions.

Try to see it from their point of view

As their parent, you must see this from your kid’s perspective. Friendships are very intense at this age, particularly so for girls. They feel they must be available 24/7 (and their friends also need to be available at all times for them). It can feel that not getting an immediate answer or response means that you don’t like or care about me. They can feel the need to be permanently on call.

So, they are not addicted to their phones; they are addicted to their friends. If you take away their phone, you’re taking away their access to their friends.

Social media

As parents, how do we keep up to date with social media where a new app appears before we’ve got to grips with the old one? At the end of the day, all the various social media apps are similar – they are about seeing and keeping up with what others are doing. Don’t get too hung up on which app.

Making mistakes is a vital part of adolescence, they need to know that you aren’t trying to control them but want to work with them. 

Red flags

Their need for social connection, alongside their tendency for risky behaviour, means there are certain areas where, as a parent, you need to hold a firm boundary.

Points to keep in mind when managing teenage screen time:

• bullying – it happens 24/7 and is relentless
• the impact on their sleep
• the access to porn and disturbing content

Make sure that you are always looking for ways to connect with them. Listen to them and show them that you value time with them. You can pick up on potential issues early on through cooperation, not control.

How to work with them

1. Talk to them about what they’re using their phones and screens for.
2. Let them know your worries and concerns around this – it’s always best to be open and honest.
3. Expect your teens to find you annoying as a parent – pulling away from you is a natural part of their move towards independence. Now is the time for you to reframe your family home as a place where they are valued, listened to, and connected.
4. Expect some pushback, it is to be expected and is OK – see it as an ongoing conversation.
5. Find out their school’s phone policy – you can use that to set boundaries around phone use at home.
6. Set boundaries around phone use for the whole family – these boundaries are not just for your teen. This needs to be a household determination.

We all find it difficult to limit our screen time – phones are designed to keep us looking. You’ll never get to the end of Instagram!

Could it be you who is digitally distracted? We can all become mindless when on our phones. They are developed to take your attention but this impacts your sleep and connection to others just as it does our kids’. 

There is a time and a place; when you’re with people you care about, your phone should not be there. At the dinner table, for example, or at the coffee shop. It’s rude to look at your phone, text or message when you’re with someone – this is something we can all get better at.

It’s great for them to see that this is also hard for you – it gives them the feeling that we’re in this together. Support and help them rather than judge and punish them. 

Don’t let their phones or online time feel like their only access to support – that needs to come from you too. Again, collaborating, not control is where it’s at – you all need to work on this together. So, lead by example.

Safeguarding sleep

One of the best things you can do to safeguard your child’s mental health is to guard their sleep and, to put it bluntly, this means no phones in the bedroom at bedtime. This can feel like an impossible dream, but it can be done. 

We all need to recognise that we use our phones too much, impacting our sleep. This needs to be tackled together – it won’t work to have one rule for you and another for them.

Expect a big pushback to not having phones in bedrooms, particularly from girls. This is because they feel a need to be available should their friends need them. They can be genuinely fearful that they might miss something important – this is more than FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

Management strategies

• Banning phones at bedtime does work but you need to work with them.
• Talk with them about the benefits – they will know how they feel when they don’t get enough sleep, for example.
• Put all the family’s phones on to charge in one place overnight.
• Use an old-fashioned alarm clock rather than a phone alarm.

Being a parent or carer as your child hits their tween and teenage years can be challenging and overwhelming, leaving you feeling stressed, anxious and depressed. Speaking to a counsellor about your parenting struggles can help improve communication and strengthen relationships in and out of the family. If this has resonated with you, why not get in touch by clicking on the link HERE to see how I can help.

When our children hit puberty (generally when they are 10 to 12 years old), the emotional centres of their brains become super-powered. This also means that their ability to maintain perspective is not so great in comparison. They become emotionally labile – their emotions are all over the place – meaning they tend to become overwhelmed easily. Feelings become very intense for them and the impact on you is that it can feel like there is nothing you can do right.

At this stage, your child is driven by a need to extricate themselves from you and become their own person. Your relationship is changing and their need to separate from you and find their own identity also means that pretty much anything you do is wrong and extra annoying. Anything you do that is not the way they see themselves is not good; anything you do which is how they want to be is also not good. This intensifies around age 13 when they’re looking to get their needs met outside the family but we’re often still dreaming of cosy chats inside coffee shops.

Teens need to push away safely. There can be times when they feel the need to give a big push to get their independence, which can feel like an attack. This is especially true when you’re holding boundaries (as you should be) but it can also feel that the very fact that you exist aggravates them. Being told constantly by your child that you’re annoying and wrong can feel very personal. 

What can you do?

You know your kid the best – trust that you will know when something is up where you should be concerned. It could well be that your teen is picking a fight as it’s the most efficient way they know to get you quickly engaged when they need you. 

So what on earth can you do?

• Try not to take it personally – remember, this will not last forever.
• Try to give a helpful reminder rather than nagging.
• Try not to react.
• Stop probing and asking leading questions – be a soft, close presence because they need breathing space.
• Remember that this is down to developmental factors that neither of you can control. This isn’t forever and it will ease.

If they have been outwardly rude to you, it’s OK to pull them up because it’s your job as a parent to show them how to be caring, confident people out in the world. Don’t let them act at home in a way that would be unacceptable in the outside world – you’re doing them no favours if you do. Home is a safe training ground for developing ways to let them be successful in the outside world.

There is no need for them (or you!) to be outright rude or disrespectful. Don’t make it a row, but do tell them “No, it’s not OK to say that” and “If you’re going to talk to me like that – you need to go away and cool off”. 

You can give them three options:

1. You can be friendly (this is the best one yes please).
2. You can be polite.
3. You can tell me you need some space.

Work out why they are reacting like this; they may be tired, so their impulses are strong and their controls are weak. Have they picked up on something other kids say at school? Is it something they’ve seen on social media? Is it hormonal? 

Give time and space for their emotions to settle (and let yours settle too!) Let them know you need some space to cool off as well whilst also letting them know that you will be talking about this (so they know they’re not off the hook). It’s going to be hard not to react and you’re probably exhausted as well – give yourself a breather. This also shows them how you manage and regulate your emotions when things become overwhelming – it’s a great learning tool. 

Do you remember snow globes? When we are upset and overwhelmed, our minds feel like a snow globe shaken up. It would help if you let things settle – this is not the time to talk to them – give them a chance to reregulate and let their brain balance out.

You can explain this to your child using the snow globe as an analogy that they can relate to. These intense emotions feel weird to them too. While you don’t need to get into a biology lesson, it might be helpful to talk about what’s happening with their emotions (when they’re calm).

• How do you help them regulate their emotions? Give them time to let their emotions settle. You could suggest going for a walk together or sometimes just offering them a drink of water can be enough.
• Show them how you regulate your emotions.

If there’s something to be solved, they will be better able to be rational and you have a much better chance of sorting this out together. 

Being a parent is hard and it doesn’t get any easier as your child moves through adolescence. This can impact your mental health, leaving you feeling stressed, overwhelmed, depressed or anxious. Speaking with a counsellor can help. I’m based in East Sussex, between Brighton and Eastbourne, and work online. We can work together on coping mechanisms that will make you feel more balanced and stronger to support your teen. If you have any questions or would like to find out more, please do get in touch with me.